Comedians Mourn Weiner Announcement

LONDON - Comedians worldwide reacted with shock and horror to the news that Rep. Anthony Weiner had resigned. "It's as though millions of jokes were snuffed out before they even had a chance," noted a shaken Arlene Frisbane, moments before taking the stage at the Funny Bone in Pittsburgh. "Thank God we still have Joe Biden and Newt Gingrich." The comedy world will have to adjust to the loss of a punchline-rich motherlode, the likes of which hadn't been seen since Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face over 4 years ago. "Can we go on without Weiner jokes?" asked one comedian, "Absolutely. But you'll hear the sadness in our voices each time we pass one up."

White Confirms Unwelcome Weiner

NEW YORK - Actress Betty White confirmed that Congressman Anthony Weiner emailed her pictures of himself wearing nothing but Depends adult diapers. White said Weiner sent the picture during an email exchange concerning senior healthcare. , "Out of the blue he sends me the picture, then asks me if I ever used a walker naked." 

Bachman Turns It Up

NEW HAMPSHIRE - Supporters of congresswoman Michelle Bachman erupt with joy at the official announcement of her presidential campaign. Bachman appears to have narrowly edged out Rick Santorum for support among the Clinically Insane, a key Republican demographic, while both candidates have been strongly encouraged to run by comedians.

Staff Boots Newt

ATLANTA - The entire top level of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff (left) prepares to submit their formal resignations from his campaign yesterday. Campaign manager Skip Nickels cited "concerns over the direction of the campaign" as the reason for the resignations, saying, "Death spiral is a bad direction in just about any circumstance." A feisty Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign saying, "Reality never stopped me before."

Put That Weiner to Work

WASHINGTON - Haines has reportedly inked a lucrative endorsement / modeling deal with Rep Anthony Weiner (D-NY) to promote their new 'CareerWrecker' line of boxer briefs. Available in "a rainbow of photogenic, social-media friendly colors", Haines hopes the product will stand out on your computer as well as national news programs. Weiner initially denied involvement with the product rollout, then reversed his position, admitting, "CareerWrecker seems like a perfect fit for me at this time." 

What a Weiner

WASHINGTON - Rep Anthony Weiner (D-NY) delivers a dissertation on the topic of 'Irony' to media assembled at the Capital on Monday.

Terminator 4: End of Marriage

HOLLYWOOD - Associates have reported increasingly bizarre behavior by Arnold Schwarzenegger as Maria Shriver prepares to file for divorce.

Newtwear

See the complete line of Newt Gingrich signature Coronation-wear at Tiffany & Co.

Santorum Tortures America

PENNSYLTUCKY - Former senator Rick Santorum (Left) said in a recent interview that long-tortured POW John McCain does not "understand how enhanced interrogation works." McCain noted, "Anyone who's heard Rick Santorum speak is familiar with torture." During the interview Santorum also observed: "Stephen Hawking doesn't have a clue about ALS", "B.B. King could learn a lot from white people about the blues" and "Dr. Phil may be the greatest philosopher of our time." The former senator also said, "Barry Bonds probably does understand exactly how steroids work."  

Riddle Me This, Al Qaeda

WAZIZSTAN - Al Qaeda has named The Riddler as interim operational leader to take over day to day operations of the terror organization. Wiley E. Coyote, Al Qaeda's media representative explained, "We've been running really short on 'clever' lately. But I think we really hit a home run with this guy." 

The Govinseminator

HOLLYWOOD - Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to fathering a child with a household employee more than a decade ago. Schwarzenegger told an interviewer that he regretted the affair mostly because the woman, "really, really looks like Danny DeVito." 

Trump Says Hairwell

NEW YORK - Donald Trump has decided not to pursue the Republican presidential nomination. The real estate developer cited his desire "to spend more time with my hairstylist" as his main reason for leaving the race.  

Huckabye-bye

NEW YORK - Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee announced on his Fox TV show 'Gravy Train' that he will not seek the Republican Presidential nomination. Huckabee explained his decision, "Well, if you have been paying attention you'd know that the rapture is going to happen Saturday and a lot of us good Christians aren't going to be around. There's a very good chance that I may announce on Monday that I'm running for president of heaven." Huckabee said he wishes the best to "those who will remain here to suffer and die" and noted, "Some of us will be gone, but I'm pretty sure Republican voters will still have Gingrich, Trump, Palin and Bachman to work with."

Pakistrategy

ISLAMABAD - Fearing that the US will use it in service of their outrage over Osama Bin Laden's long and comfy residence in their country, the Pakistani government has preemptively trademarked the phrase "How dare you" The Pakistanis' plan to employ it to promote their own outrage over the commando raid that killed Bin Laden. They also plan to roll it out against charges of complicity with Bin Laden at the highest levels of their government. Almost immediately after the Pakistani move, the Obama administration countered by trademarking the phrase "Are you fucking kidding me?" An administration source says that the phrase will be "Incredibly useful in our future dealings with Pakistan."  

Ladies Choice

MOUNT PILOT - Newt Gingrich is confident that voters have moved past his serial philandering, history of divorcing women with cancer, reprehensible personal behavior and are ready to elect him president of the United States. A confident Gingrich said, "The voters know what I can do for the country, they remember the Contract On America. They've forgotten about my personal issues just like I have. In fact, the only time I think about my wives is when I hear the word 'plaintiff.'"

The Empire Strikes Back

WASHINGTON - Early Sunday morning, President Obama authorized use of 'the force' to take out Osama Bin Laden.

Virgin Shortage Reported

AFTERLIFE - Osama Bin Laden is reportedly very disappointed with the quality of the 72 virgins he received after his death. "I know there's been a run on them lately, but c'mon" said the terrorist mastermind, "eternity is really going to seem like eternity." 

Osama Bin Shot

ISLAMABAD- The US confirmed tonight that they have killed Osama Bim Laden relying on a special forces operative who, in the words of the president,  "possessed true grit."
Pakistani officials struggled to explain how Bin Laden could have been openly living less than an hour from their nation's capital, "In our defense, he was wearing an elaborate disguise - as Osama Bin Laden. It's a very popular disguise here. Boy, he really fooled us."

World Sleeps Through Royal Wedding

LONDON - Millions worldwide who have been eagerly anticipating the wedding of Prince William to Katherine Middleton at Westminster Abbey were put quickly to sleep by the inescapable plodding dullness of the proceedings. Even the most excited royal watchers drifted off as though affected by a powerful sedative within minutes after the ceremony began. "Buggers!!! I missed it," said Clarice Rigby who had spent every waking moment for the past six months preparing for the wedding, "but I had a lovely nap."

New Obama Birther Controversy

WASHINGTON - President Obama posted  a copy of his “long-form” birth certificate from the state of Hawaii on Wednesday, which may finally end the long-simmering conspiracy theory among some conservatives that Obama was not born in the United States and was not a legitimate president. White House communications director Dan Pfeiffer noted that an irrefutable birth certificate may not end the controversy, "They'd have to to read it. It involves reading. Birthers aren't particularly good at reading." The certificate itself has immediately created another issue since it lists the birthplace of his father, 'Smokin' Jor-El Obama, as the planet Krypton. Pfeiffer acknowledged that the media would have a field day with the new information and added, "we can't wait to see what Trump does with it."  

Supreme Health

WASHINGTON -- The Supreme Court has declined to hear an appeal from the state of Virginia designed to repeal the administration's Healthcare Act. Citing the court's "need for colonoscopies" the justices unanimously agreed to allow the appeal to remain with the lower courts, and adding "Justice is not blind, but it does have to be checked for polyps."

Nick Cage Match

NEW ORLEANS - Previews of the new Nicolas Cage film 'Drink Angry' have been leaked to YouTube. The clip features the signature line, "They took my vodka, I am going to get it back."

Budget Blowout

WASHINGTON - House speaker Jphn Boehner and a trusted deputy managed to regroup the Republican caucus for a vote on the contentious budget bill using a combination of fire hoses, Darvocet and promises of candy and hookers. 59 Republican members voted against the bill. That number could have been much greater if not for the armed presence of  deputy Fife. "That's the second amendment in action" said Boehner, "thank god they didn't know he only had one bullet."

Bonds Value Drops

SAN FRANCISCO - Jurors continue deliberation in Barry Bonds Perjuroids trial after reaching a guilty verdict on one count. Bonds was originally charged with four counts of perjury, one count of obstruction of justice and one count of being a huge asshole. Ten counts of douchbaggery were added to the indictment in May 2008 along with three counts of complete unlikeability. The jury announced a 'guilty' verdict on the one count that prosecutors felt was incontrovertible; that Bonds is a total asshole. "Even his mom wouldn't appeal that one" noted one prosecutor. Deliberations will continue tomorrow. 

Run Donald Run

NEW YORK - Donald Trump says he will probably run for president as an independent candidate if he doesn't secure the GOP nomination. Trump is confident that he could be both president and reality TV star, "Can you imagine the ratings for that show?!" His ability to multitask doesn't stop there, Trump stated that he hasn't ruled out adding possible careers as either an Astronaut or Rodeo Clown. "There are a lot of people who would like to see me leave the planet, so astronaut is a good fit. Also - and  you may not know this - but I am very nimble and quite good with animals.You add 'clown' in there and rodeo clown is really the essence of who I am. I always like to remind the voters that they should never misunderestimate me."  

Memory Test

WASHINGTON - Namenda, a widely prescribed Alzheimer's drug has been proven to be essentially ineffective. Users of Namenda are largely unconcerned by these revelations - because they have Alzheimer's.

Common Ground

WASHINGTON - President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed on a starting position to expedite future policy negotiations.  Both Obama and Boehner will open all future negotiations by stating, "You're a douchebag, and you're out to destroy the country."

Dems Replace Reid

WASHINGTON - The Democratic caucus has decided to replace senate majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) with a potted plant, specifically a purple Iris, as their spokesman on the budget battle with the right wing of the Republican party. "We feel a potted plant would be a more dynamic presence than Harry Reid" said Chuck Schumer (D-NY) "the brilliant purple color will hold the attention of 10 to 12 percent of the electorate, more than double what Harry Reid typically pulls." As to the choice of an Iris, a fickle plant, which is difficult to maintain, party spokesman Ned Spanky noted, "when the fuck do we ever do anything easy."

Fox Boots Beck

NEW YORK - Mental institutions around the country are reporting tension and protests in reaction to the announcement that the The Glenn Beck Show will be dropped by Fox News. It's a serious situation," said Dr. Inago Lobatoni of the Bushwood Institute, "for many of our patients, the voices in their heads all sound like Glenn Beck." Fox News plans to tap into their Strategic Paranoia Reserve to insure that those who thrive on crackpot conspiracies and implausible doomsday scenarios will not be abandoned. "Tell the mental health community to chill," said one Fox news editor, "we can keep their patients paranoid and delusional with noooooo problem." 

Deep Cuts

WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehner listens to aides as he discusses the Republicans plan to cut 4.9 billion in government expenditures from Medicare and Medicaid by "Driving the old people out onto the ice floes." While popular among the Tea Party contingent, the scheme has hit a major snag: most of the ice floes have melted. "We'll hold ice floe hearings soon" said Boehner, "But for now we have identified some excellent low cost alternatives: cliffs, mine shafts, quicksand." Boehner noted that quicksand's ideal but is in short supply. Framing the shortage as a 2012 campaign issue, Bohner claimed that Democrats let the strategic quicksand reserve plummet from the record levels maintained by the Bush administration, saying "Sadly, China'a now far ahead of us in the quicksand race." 

Southwest Keeps It Fresh

AUSTIN - Southwest Airlines plans to offer goggles and leather helmets at no extra charge to all passengers on their new 'Open Cockpit Service' which they have implemented on their Boeing 737 aircraft. 

Burnin' Love

GAINESVILLE - With recruitment flagging, Al Qaeda turned to Florida minister Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Church in Gainesville to come up with a foolproof recruiting campaign. Dubbed "Rednecks Without Borders" Jones's Quran-B-Que brainstorm has been an immediate bonanza for Al Qaeda, prompting no less than Osama Bin Laden to comment, "Terry Jones, he's our hero." Building on his Al Qaeda success, Jones has reportedly signed on to work his marketing magic for another largely despised organization, NAMBLA. Sources say Jones is finalizing a campaign he plans to call "Altar Boys to Men.". 

How Are We Doing?

DEEPDISH - Dominos Pizza has spent millions to convince customers that until recently, their food was completely awful but they really are going to try to figure this pizza thing out. They claim they are going to get better - they just don't say when. Now Dominos is putting this ad campaign into the customer's hands with their new "Tell Us How Shitty We Are" pizza box. Customers are invited to chose from Corny, Nutty and Diarrhea, to indicate just how much better Dominos is performing. It is rumored that the next phase of the campaign will seek consumer input. Still under development, the "Help Us, We're Clueless" ads are expected to run within a month. 

Gadhafi's Mom Defects

TRIPOLI - Col. Moammar Gadhafi's mother defected to Great Britain today, the third high level defection in 24 hours. Ma Gadhafi stated her main reason for leaving, "He's an asshole. Mo-Mo was a selfish little prick when he was a kid and he's just gotten worse." Reached for comment Gadhafi's father said, "She's in London?!"

Obama Steps Up

WASHINGTON - In an about face, President Obama has promised to provide the Libyan rebels with everything they'll need - Snake Plisskin. White House press secretary Jay Carney said, "We asked Stallone too but he said no. At least we think he said no. Frankly, I can't understand a word he says. "

Itty-Bitty Barry

SAN FRANCISCO - Barry Bonds former mistress Kimberly Bell testified at his perjury trial on Monday that the former slugger was not playing with regulation balls. 

Who You Gonna Call

WASHINGTON - President Obama explained the developments in Libya to the American people in a nationwide address Monday night saying "We came, we saw, we kicked his ass!" Obama repeated his promise keep American ground troops out of Libya, wary that we could end up in something "Like that clusterfuck we've got in Iraq." While rejecting regime change as a policy, the president did not rule out sending contractors with unlicensed nuclear accelerators to capture and place the dictator in an Ecto-Containment Unit. 

Jedi Snub Gadhafi

TRIPOLI - After a rebel advance recaptured the key towns of Dagobah and Tatooine, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi sent an urgent message for assistance, "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope." Kenobi quickly arrived from Alderaan to access the situation, but declined to bring the Jedi into the conflict saying, "The force is not strong with this one, this guy sure can dress like a Jedi, but that's about it." A Libyan general who spoke off the record said, "After this, we're just about out of people who will even talk to us, it looks like we're down to the John Birch Society and the Oakland Raiders.

Just Shoot Me

GENEVA- In an effort to garner support among arab nations, the IOC has voted to add a new sport to the Summer Olympics: Randomly Shooting Guns in the Air. According to IOC governing board member Lars Snootgren, "There might be style points, we might have a synchronized component - this is still a work in progress. Our Arab members are going to have to lead us on what is important in this sport." Announcement of the new sport was enthusiastically greeted in the Arab world - by randomly shooting guns in the air.

50 Million Hispanics

WASHINGTON - Hispanic population has topped 50 million in the US, reaching virtually every part of the nation.  Their economic power is staggering in virtually every segment of the american economy, yet many complain that siestas and sombreros are still hard to come by. Hispanic's number one complaint about the country? George Lopez. "He's a one-man hispanic pro-defamation league" says community leader Juan Rodriguez, "he really needs to find a new line of work." The census data show that not only are hispanics happier than most americans, they have much nicer landscaping. 

Elizabeth Taylor - Exit Stage Right

HOLLYWOOD - Coalition forces participating in the Libyan operation Odyssey Dawn, accidentally bombed famed Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles today, killing screen legend Elizabeth Taylor. Army General Carter B. Hamm, commander of the operation, issued a statement saying, "Our bad." A spokesman for Taylor commented, "I have no idea what they were doing in Los Angeles; this is obviously a terrible tragedy. Fortunately they got the bombing on film and the footage is spectacular."

Barry Bonds Perjuroids Trial

SAN FRANCISCO -- Barry Bonds has a heated discussion with former friend and business associate Steve Hoskins after Hoskins testified at Bonds' perjury trial. 

Good and Pawlenty

MINNETONKA - Former Minnesota governor and TV actor Tim Pawlenty announced on Monday that he had formed an exploratory committee, effectively calling "dibs" on the 2012 Republican presidential nomination. While many Republican voters don't know Pawlenty they do know Gomer Pyle, the character he played on the The Andy Griffith Show and on Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C..  Pawlenty cites his faux Mayberry roots and pretend military experience as evidence of grassroots credentials. He often emphasizes his support for the military by saying "I'm not a marine, but I played one on TV."

Pitt Makes History

Pitt's Nasir Robinson fouls Butler's Matt Howard with 0.9 seconds left in their NCAA second round tournament game. In spite of the unusually hard foul, Howard's game winning free throws sent Pitt home early from the tournament. Officials have been unable to determine a motive for the foul but are confident that Robinson acted alone.

Monster's Ball

TOKYO - At the urgent request of Godzilla, a coalition of city-destroying Japanese monsters have held a rare summit to discuss ways to aid the Japanese people as they recover from the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear disasters. Japanese Monster Association (JMA) spokesman Icho Facto said' "We're looking at earthquakes, fissures in the earth, tsunami, radiation - frankly, that's our best case scenario - you'd think we be giddy. But the JMA realizes that there is no benefit to terrorizing already terrified people or destroying already wiped out cities." All JMA members, led by Mothra, Ghidora (all 3 heads), Rodan and Godzilla "vow to do everything we can to help restore the calm, placid Japanese way of life, so we can unexpectedly shatter it at some point in the future."

A spokesman for the Prime Minister's office welcomed the monsters support, "sort of."

Takin' Care of Business

PROVO - Until this week, Utah had only 24 state symbols, from tree (the blue spruce) to insect (the honeybee) to sexual position (missionary). Now the state has addressed a crucial legislative oversight by adding an official state firearm -- the John M. Browning-designed M1911 pistol, becoming the first state in the nation to have one. According to Republican State Rep. Carl Wymner who sponsored the law."People are saying it's ignorant, a waste of legislative time and money and deeply insensitive in light of the recent shootings in Arizona" said Wymner "what I say to them is, it's a hell of a lot more fun than budgets or education." Wymner then announced his next legislative priority, getting the official state birth control method (rhythm) through the legislature.

Walker - Cheesehead Ranger

MADISON - Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker on Thursday stated that he is done waiting for the 14 fugitive state lawmakers to return and signed an executive order declaring "Demoquat Season" officially open. "Shoot 'em, run 'em down, bowhunters - this is a chance of a lifetime," a smiling Walker told stunned media and cheering Republican lawmakers. The second provision of the order allows the governor to appoint replacement senators once the Democrats have been declared "really most sincerely dead."

Running of the Foxes

NEW YORK - The entire staff of Fox News resigned en-masse today to run for the Republican nomination for president. Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, John Bolton and Rick Santorum (as shown from left) not only spin their views and criticism at large, they are the production staff as well. "We run pretty lean around here" said production manager Fritz Nisbett, "When Newt's pontificating, Sarah's on the camera, Bolton's on the lights and Huckabee is working the board. Santorum does make-up but frankly we're not going to miss him that much because that 'man on dog sex' quote of his didn't come out of nowhere if you know what I'm saying.

A Fox spokesman acknowledged that is scrambling to fill the pundit void "that homeless guy with the voice looks pretty good, Charlie Sheen's a pretty angry dude and he can talk on a wide variety of topics, we're even thinking about rolling Dick Cheney out in a Captain Pike style chair - anything's possible.

3-way Cage Match

NEW YORK - A fierce three-way legal battle has broken out over the rights to the term "Batshit Crazy" between unhinged pundit Glenn Beck, pharmaceutical mixmaster Charlie Sheen and ruthless dictator / fashion icon Moammar Gaddafi. Legal scholars are stymied, as all three appear to have unshakeable claims to the term. With each plaintiff's daily, brilliant and convincing attempts to bolster their positions, it appears that Batshit Crazy may well be destined to remain in the public domain. This can only lessen the impact as it applied to far more sane people like Lindsay Lohan, the hosts of 'The View' and Brett Favre.

Beck's back-up plan to trademark "whack job" failed when it was discovered that the term was already owned by fresh meat aficionado Ted Nugent.

The Sheen's Speech

HOLLYWOOD - Actor Charlie Sheen today delivered an impassioned speech denouncing ABC, CBS, AA, the NBA, NORAD and "anything with letters", following what he perceived as his Oscar snub. While he appeared in no movies in the past year, Sheen says his antics of the past year, "would make an incredible screenplay." "They do that Special Category shit all the time, who's more deserving than me?" Currently absent from TV as production of 'Two and a Half Men' has been halted to allow Sheen to gas noxiously about the media universe, Sheen feels the hiatus will be short lived saying, "I'm sure I'll be featured on an episode of South Park very soon."