Cubs-Jesus-Holy Cow

CHICAGO   A flood warning was issued for Chicago’s north side last night shortly after the Cubs clinched their first World Series title in 108 years.  Thousands of Cub fans crying tears of joy overwhelmed sewers, flooded streets and the volume of tears actually reversed the flow of the Chicago River. Police Capital Paddy O’Doyle spoke through his own tears, “We thought we’d be dealing with a lot of happy drunk people, maybe a couch fire, but this is completely unexpected.” The flood of tears subsided before dawn then picked up again when highlights started airing on Sports Center this morning. Captain O’Doyle reported that overnight, “crime all but evaporated, potholes were filled with gold, the blind could see and the lame could walk.”  In a surprise move Pope Francis attributed these miracles to comedian Bill Murray and has canonized him, saying “You take 'The Razor’s Edge’ out of the equation and Bill’s whole life is a miracle, I’m a little embarrassed we haven’t done this sooner."