Basic Instinct

CLEVELAND  Polling from the first Republican debate showed one thing: even dogs hate Ted Cruz. Mitzy Bonobo from Harrisburg, owner of a mixed breed named Fritz said, "Fritz never growls at anyone, but when he hears Ted Cruz, he foams at the mouth, I have to lock him in my bedroom and put on smooth jazz to calm him down." It appears that this is not an unusual sentiment. Across breeds, almost all dogs appear to hate Senator Cruz - as do babies, toddlers, nuns and interestingly - pandas. Docile Pandas react placidly to almost any stimulus, but writhe, hold their ears and roll on the ground when exposed to Ted Cruz rhetoric.  Polling even worse among dogs was former senator Santorum's performance in the earlier 'Kids Table Debate.' When exposed to his debate audio, dogs shook, whined and in some cases even vomited. Reportedly, the Humane Society of America spokesman Rick Shed said, "Dogs are excellent judges of character, we will not play audio from future republican debates in our facilities on humanitarian grounds."