Skin Deep

WASHINGTON -- John McCain's campaign is reporting that there is "absolutely nothing to be concerned about" following a biopsy of "a small area" on the senator's cheek. Doctors at the Mayo Clinic said that tests showed no cancer and noted that the candidate's skin appears just as young as, "a 46 year old black guy."

Signs of Inflation

WASHINGTON -- Economists are reporting signs of inflation on at least two fronts with both commodity prices and foreign exchange rates threatening to break free of fiscal restraints. President Bush & Fed Chairman Bernake are reportedly squabbling over who would be best suited to grapple with these massive issues. The administration believes that with careful handling of these weighty matters, "we just might get lucky."

First Pitt - Jolie Twin Photos

Pulitzer Quality has obtained the first picture of the Pitt - Jolie twins: a boy named Knox Leon and girl, Vivienne Marcheline. Asked about the unusual names a spokesman said, "Unusual? For a while they were considering naming them Tide and Cheer, now that's unusual."

Fannie & Freddie Saved!

WASHINGTON -- Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac (pictured above) express relief following their rescue by the Treasury Department. Signs of trouble had been building for months as fiscal watchdog Lassie ran between Fed chairman Ben Bernanke and President Bush, barking frantically. Both men repeated "checked the well" and reported with growing frustration that "`Timmy's not in there." Over the weekend Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson overheard Lassie while visiting the Fed, stopped Bernanke on his way to the well and exclaimed, "It's Fannie and Freddie, they're in trouble, we've got to rescue them." Paulson quickly cobbled together a rescue package and was able to save the plucky duo, although he was later forced to return to the Fed and pull Bernanke out of the well.

"Freddy & Fanny are in no danger and the economy is saved", said a relieved President Bush "And I must say, if it weren't for Lassie our entire economic system, and perhaps civilization as we know it, might have collapsed. That's why dogs are better than cats - heh, heh."

Forecast: No More Snow

Former presidential spokesman Tony Snow has died at 53. Vice President Cheney's office issued a statement of sympathy to Snow's family saying, "The White House will miss Tony's candor and humor and sorry - I thought it was Scott McClelland."

Bush Explains

TOKYO -- Aides rush to assist President Bush as he explains his decision to participate in the opening ceremonies at the Beijing Olympic Games and his plans to remove North Korea from the State Sponsor of Terror list.

Helms Dies

Former Senator Jesse Helms has died at 86.