Meet John Miller

NEW YORK    In an unexpected move, Donald Trump introduced former spokesman John Miller as his running mate for the upcoming campaign, "I know him pretty well, I like him and we definitely see eye to eye. I think you'll be very impressed."

Quayle Takes Sides

SARASOTA    Immediately following former Vice President Dan Quayle’s endorsement of Donald Trump, Flip Yippler, spokesman for The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College addressed the press: “Every time former vice President Dan Quayle surfaces in the news, we are inundated with inquiries. People, frankly millions of people, just assume he’s our spokesperson - and as annoying as it is, I can see their point. However, Quayle's comments on Donald Trump or for that matter on any other subject do not reflect the opinions of The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College.”

Donald Trump was thrilled with the Quayle endorsement saying, “I for one am more than pleased to have the backing of The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College."

It's All Good

WASHINGTON   House Speaker Paul Ryan reported that he and presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump "had a very productive meeting on a side street in Brooklyn" this morning. Ryan said that the two now have a much better understanding of each others positions and look forward to working together on the campaign. It does appear however that some tensions remain between the two as Ryan added, "If he touches my sister again, I'll kill him."

Ready, Aim, Bid

SANFORD   Vigilante triggerman George Zimmerman plans to auction the pistol he used to kill black teenager Trayvon Martinto raise money "for my own damn self." In order to drive up the bidding, Zimmerman may bundle several items with the weapon. These could include his soul, "Not using it, in fact never have," as well as a meet and greet with Lucifer, The Prince of Darkness, "I really think I can pull that one off."

In order to soften the expected backlash, Zimmerman indicated he plans to donate a portion of the proceeds to, "crazy right-wing causes you won't even believe exist."

Carolina In My Bathroom

RALEIGH   North Carolina lawmakers are sticking to their guns on the principals of their controversial 'bathroom law' in the face of federal declarations that it is unconstitutional. However, they have proposed a change to the legislation. In the proposal, "persons with lady parts" must use the Women's restroom, "those persons with weiners" are required to use the Men's restroom, unless they happen to be "persons who actually are dicks," like North Carolina lawmakers, who will use a new "just for dicks" restroom. "Does this solve the issue? Hell no!" said Senator Floyd Spanker, "but we get us some fancy new bathrooms, don't we?" An LGBT activist noted, "this does make some sense, nobody wants those dicks in their bathrooms."