Basic Instinct

CLEVELAND  Polling from the first Republican debate showed one thing: even dogs hate Ted Cruz. Mitzy Bonobo from Harrisburg, owner of a mixed breed named Fritz said, "Fritz never growls at anyone, but when he hears Ted Cruz, he foams at the mouth, I have to lock him in my bedroom and put on smooth jazz to calm him down." It appears that this is not an unusual sentiment. Across breeds, almost all dogs appear to hate Senator Cruz - as do babies, toddlers, nuns and interestingly - pandas. Docile Pandas react placidly to almost any stimulus, but writhe, hold their ears and roll on the ground when exposed to Ted Cruz rhetoric.  Polling even worse among dogs was former senator Santorum's performance in the earlier 'Kids Table Debate.' When exposed to his debate audio, dogs shook, whined and in some cases even vomited. Reportedly, the Humane Society of America spokesman Rick Shed said, "Dogs are excellent judges of character, we will not play audio from future republican debates in our facilities on humanitarian grounds."

Palmer Sets Sights on Shamu

1.  MINNEAPOLIS  Big game serial killer and fugitive dentist Walter Palmer is reportedly making good use of his time in hiding.  While his practice remains shuttered due to the firestorm of outrage following his killing of beloved Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe, rumors swirl regarding Palmer's plans to add an Orca to his trophy room. Palmer reportedly told friends he'd purchased permits to hunt an Orca killer whale in the San Diego area. Associates say that Palmer told them "It's all perfectly legal. I got the permits from the a Nigerian prince; it's game on. I'm very excited?" As a result of the rumors, SeaWorld is stepping up security. Spokesman Mike Nelson said, "We're on high alert. While it would be extremely difficult to lure Shamu off the property, orcas will do just about anything for a couple of fresh mackerel. We can't be too careful." Meanwhile, the grieving continues for Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe, one Wildlife Parks official, dejectedly noted, "It's very sad, hunters without testicles are always the cruelest."