Limbaugh Advertisers Line Up

ATLANTA - Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh's use of "inappropriate words" to describe women, has created an advertising void on his radio program as many major sponsors have abandoned the show.  Waiting in the wings are several organizations who feel a close kinship to Rush's philosophies. The Klu Klux Klan and NAMBLA are reportedly eager to reach out to Rush's audience, "We believe we'll find a good match with Rush's demographics", said Grand Wizard Floyd Wiley. NAMBLA's Jasper Spanks said, "We certainly expect to feel the love from our advertising dollars, if you get my drift." Nevada's Wet Spot Gentlemen's Ranch feels advertising with Rush may be "the quickest way to reach folks interested in sluts and prostitutes." A Limbaugh spokesman reflected, "when god gives you lemons, you make lemonade."

Limbaugh Goes Celibate

LITTLE ROCK - Rush Limbaugh brushes off outrage from women over his birth control "slut" comments and his demand that women using birth control post sex videos for the rotund commentator's viewing pleasure . Limbaugh claims he's unconcerned about the controversy, saying, "look, I don't plan on ever, ever, in my wildest dreams, getting laid again anyway. This pretty much ought to guarantee I achieve that goal."

Romney, Santorum Vie for Title

ATLANTA - In yet another position reversal, Republican contender Mitt Romney has assured voters that he is indeed "just as crazy" as primary foe Rick Santorum and stating that he is "campaigning as a severely crazy conservative" after earlier characterizing Santorum as "a whackjob, lunatic who wouldn't recognize a sane policy if it were giving him a lap dance." Romney's newly confessed mental issues may do little to convince conservatives who continue to question his commitment to their Flat Earth and Ancient Aliens policies. Romney hopes that this week's expected Bigfoot endorsement will bring some of these skeptics into his camp.