Rubio Retreats

MIAMI  After losing  Florida to Donald Trump, Marco Rubio sees no way forward and suspends his presidential campaign.

Shooting Down Gun Sense

JACKSONVILLE   Police theorize that a 4-year-old shot his gun-advocate mother in the back out of frustration after she mis-spelled "2nd Ammendment" on her 'Jamie Gilt for Gun Sense' Facebook page. A police spokesman said that the child told them, 'Maybe I got a little too jacked up about it, but I'm 4 and I can spell 2nd Amendment. Mommy just doesn't take gun rights seriously enough.' One gun rights advocate took the shooting as a cautionary tale saying, "If there's one thing we always stress in the gun community it's that spelling is important."

Holy Puerto Rico

MIAMI   Hoping to shake the tag of "Youthful Ward" in the Republican presidential race, Marco Rubio coasted to victory in the Puerto Rico 'not-a-state' primary and vowed to fight on. Most voters cited Rubio's "tiny hands" as the reason they voted for him. Ernesto Bobobo of San Juan explained."Trump's got the itty bitty hands too, but they're attached to Trump so they're creepy. Now, Rubio's hands fit his whole Latino Leprechaun persona like a glove so to speak. Is that presidential? Hell no, but we're grasping at straws here."  When asked how Rubio planned to fight a staffer replied, "You know how he fights, - POW!, BIFF!, WHAM!"