No Contest

Time Magazine names Christmas Eve killer Bruce Pardo 'Asshole of the Year'. Pardo easily beat the odds-on favorite: Tom Cruise.

Big (White) Tent

NASHVILLE -- Candidate for the leadership of the Republican National Committee, Representative Chip Saltsman (R-TN), appears at fundraiser titled 'It's Not Racism, It's Satire'. Asked about the apparent insensitivity of the event, Saltsman said, "I think most people recognize political satire when they see it. I think RNC members understand that."

All I Want

WASHINGTON -- White House Spokeswoman Dana Perino confirmed today that President Bush received coal in his stocking, but insisted, "that's what he asked for."

Face Off

CLEVELAND -- Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic released details of the near total face transplant performed earlier this week, explaining, "This educated professional woman was seriously handicapped and humiliated by her appearance. Doctors called the operation a complete success and said the patient is 'thrilled' at her new looks."

Oz Has Spoken

NEW YORK - Investors react as Bernard Madoff's investment empire is exposed as a massive fraud

Famous Footwear

GREEN ZONE - In a surprise move, the Detroit Lions have signed the Iraqi Journalist who threw shoes at President Bush in Baghdad on Sunday. Excited team owner William Clay Ford said, "Now that's the kind of arm we've been looking for."

Cleaning House

WASHINGTON -- Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff is pictured with members of the crew from a Washington DC cleaning company that has cleaned his house for the past three years. Chertoff says that he was stunned to learn that there were illegal aliens on the crew.

Final Frontier

Obama appoints Chief Science Officer. Critics call the selection, "fascinating."

Energy Boost

WASHINGTON - President-elect Obama has chosen a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Dr. Hermann Strangelove, to be the next Energy Secretary. Strangelove vows to bring a unique approach to the nation's energy problems and is "very honored to serve mien fuehrer."

Home of the Blues

SPRINGFIELD -- Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich appears with staff members Jake and Ellwood Blues to offer his side of the story following his arrest for allegedly scheming to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat for cash or a plum job for himself. Blagojevich explained that he was working with the Blues brothers to raise cash to save the orphanage where they were raised saying "It was for The Penguin." Sister Mary Stigmata of The Sisters of Perpetual Flatulence, which runs the orphanage, confirmed the story, but in light of the arrests said "Well I guess we're fucked now."

Guilty In Gitmo

GUANTANAMO -- A drawing by courtroom artist Hanna Barberra, shows Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his attorney Charlie Little Feather, as Mohammed and four co-defendants, all members of the Water Buffalo Lodge terrorist group, plead guilty to planning the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. The court declined to hear character testimony from two former Mohammed associates: Mr. Barney Rubble and Mr. Slate.

Holy Bankruptcy!

WASHINGTON -- Increasingly desperate automakers today offered "Industry Executive Pricing", which translates to free cars, to all members of the Senate Banking Committee debating the fate of the auto industry bail out package. All other legislators would be offered the infamous "I Know a Guy...Pricing" which translates to implausibly good deals on cars in inventory. GM & Chrysler also offered to throw in mats and pinstriping, while Ford offered one year of satellite radio. All three said that their offers were contingent on passage of the bailout bill and would apply only to qualified legislators (those voting yes). Lawmakers voting against the bailout package would not be excluded, they would be eligible for a free tire rotation at any dealership in Hawaii.

No Regrets

NEW YORK -- In a wide ranging interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson, President Bush cited "faulty intelligence" as the biggest regret of his presidency; effectively blaming his parents for all his administration's troubles. The president followed up with, "Hey Charlie, pull my finger."

Water, Wine, Cabinet Positions

CHICAGO -- Obama and his inner circle finalized cabinet positions this week at a raucous dinner. Staffers marveled that in spite of the length of the festivities Obama always seemed to be able to miraculously produce a bottle of wine just when one was needed. In regard to the selection process, a top aide said, "Lo and it was good."

All Thai'd Up

BANGKOK - The prime minister of Thailand was ousted today after a long standoff by protesters who had shut down the country's airports. When four plucky tourists from Kansas, sick and tired of being stuck in the Bangkok airport, doused the Prime Minister with water, she promptly and unexpectedly melted while crying "my world, my world". Immediately surrounded by the Prime minister's security forces the four Americans stammered, "we didn't mean to kill her." But the elated troops treated the four like heroes and promised to take them to someone who could get them back to Kansas. Asked to comment on the prospect of finally getting a flight home the leader of the four, Dorothy Gale said, "there' no place like home."

It's a Recession!

WASHINGTON -- Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson reacts as he is presented with a healthy baby recession. Clearly uncomfortable with the prospect of providing the intense care demanded by the young recession, aides for Paulson say the Treasury Secretary plans to let his wife take care of it until he can arrange to have the recession adopted by his successor.