Altered State of the Union

(WASHINGTON DC)  In his State of the Union Address, President Obama embraced a legislative agenda item near and dear to Republicans in an attempt to jumpstart bipartisan cooperation. "I call on Republicans to quit stalling and just impeach me," said Obama to thunderous applause from the Republican side of the aisle. "The American people know you don't need a real reason, so just go with because I'm black or left handed or taller than all you tight-ass crackers. But it's time to show America that Republicans can actually be for something and not just against things." Speaker Boehner was somewhat restrained following the speech, "The president has some very good ideas, immigration reform and that impeachment thing both sound very promising." Harry Reid was very enthusiastic, "I believe this will work out better than the shutdown."

Are You Daft, Punk?

(LOS ANGELES) At a raucous post grammy party celebrating their win for Album of the Year, electronic duo Daft Punk took the iconic masks off and revealed their true identities: Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking. "I can't believe the media bought the 'French Pop Duo' persona for so long," said a beaming Gates. Hawking added, "Our next project, 'Black Hole Theory' will change how people think about electronic music, hip hop and the relationship of matter to time and space." Gates was quick to add, "It's not going to be available on iTunes."

Hucka-V

(LITTLE ROCK) Standing in front of a biological clock and a middle school diagram of "Lady Parts," Fox News host Mike Huckabee claimed that Obamacare has "Escalated the Democrats War on Women by giving them control of their vaginas." Huckabee explained, "Vaginas are fickle, complex, maddening and require maintenance -  a lot of maintenance. If women are permitted to maintain their own vaginas the same way, for example,  they maintain their cars, many good men will suffer." He noted that under Republicans women will be free to, "put their butts in the kitchen and their vaginas in our hands."

Pepe Le Pope

(VATICAN CITY)  The meeting between Pope Francis and French President Francois Hollande got off to a rocky start Friday when Hollande's social secretary, Pepe LePew, interjected himself between the two leaders, reportedly to stop Hollande from repeatedly asking for "just 10 minutes with the nuns - only the hot ones." The pope handled the situation deftly, whispering, "Look pal, don't you think we've both got enough scandals to deal with." Afterwards, LePew noted, "The President, he has a lot to learn about women."

Heist Solved

(NEWARK)  Today, the FBI arrested four crime figures for their part in the legendary Lufthansa Heist in 1978. Ray Liotta, Robert DeNiro, Paul Sorvino and Joe Pecsi were rounded up in predawn raids after an FBI investigation revealed that, "there was some pretty good film of these guys - it's pretty irrefutable" according to FBI agent Rip Snoot. "We don't usually come across evidence like this, academy award quality stuff," gushed Snoot, "but we're still looking for a guy named Scorsese, he seems to know everything." DeNiro's attorney, Tom Hagen, said, "If these clowns see the rest of his film catalog, Bobby's going away for a long time."

Rodman Thanks Sherman

(MALIBU) Dennis Rodman issued a statement today thanking Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman for his post-game rant Sunday. Rodman said, "Just when everyone thought I was the most abrasive, self-involved and clueless athlete on the planet, Richard Sherman stepped in and snatched that title from me. Thank you Richard, thank you." Rodman's spokesman, Bo Needles, added, "Dennis would love to sing Happy Birthday to Richard, but he's pretty sure Richard sings it to himself - in the third person."

Christie Calls on Rodman

(NEWARK) Facing a public relations disaster of biblical proportions, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has executed a prisoner exchange with North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un. Christie sent his former chief of staff, Bridget Anne Kelly, to the gulags of North Korea in exchange for international basketball ambassador Dennis Rodman, who assumed the Director of Public Relations position for the governor's office. Rodman deftly handled questions concerning the politically motivated lane closings on the George Washington Bridge during a 2 hour press conference, blaming "stupid motherfuckers" on Christie's staff and encouraging reporters to "shut your fucking pie-holes" as he defused the crisis. Christie seemed pleased with Rodman's efforts saying"Hey, that guy can still kowtow."