Truth In Lending

NEW YORK – The government has announced that it plans to increase it's stake in Citigroup Inc. to approximately 40%. In keeping with President Obama's pledge of transparency in the financial bailout, the name will be changed to Shitigroup.

Octodaddy

LOS ANGELES -- The man who may be the sperm donor that octuplet mom Nadia Sulaiman used to create embryos, has demanded that paternity tests not be conducted to determine if he is the father of her 14 children. "What good can come of that?!" said Otto Gunther Octavius. "When I filled that little cup I didn't intend to field a team and fill the bench for the Crazytown Cubs. If I had known she planed to produce kids in Costco quantities, I'd have used a smaller cup."

Slumdog Squarepants

HOLLYWOOD -- The cast of the Indian film 'Slumdog Squarepants' celebrate their stunning success at the 81st Academy Awards on Sunday Night.

Heap Big Headache

HARTFORD – Geronimo's descendants have sued the secret Yale University society, Skull and Bones, which has had presidents, senators and other powerful figures as members, demanding the society return Geronimo's remains that were taken decades ago. Skull and Bones members admit to having Geronimo's skull and bones, his spurs that jingle jangle jingle and possibly his wallet but deny any wrongdoing. The secret society claims that Geronimo's last wish was that his remains be kept by rich white kids for use in demeaning rituals and pranks, and to remove the artifacts would be a disservice to the legend of the great Apache leader. Unofficially, the society believes that it may have to return Geronimo's bones to his family and has started searching for replacements. An official of Skull and Bones confirmed that talks are underway to obtain "the empty skull of George W. Bush, because it's clear he hasn't used it in years."

Kick the Can

PITTSBURGH -- Continuing what has become a public and abusive relationship, Steeler kicker Jeff Reed was arrested for assaulting his longtime companion, Towely, in the men's room of a Sheetz gas station Saturday night. Reportedly, Towely's refusal to, "Do the Larry Craig shuffle" angered Reed who proceeded in the words of one store employee to, "mop the floor with his buddy" until police were called.

Shakin' All Over

WASHINGTON -- In a slap to the congressional women's delegation, conservatives have removed a provision in the stimulus package that provided $17 million for vibrators for unemployed women. Disgruntled congresswoman Jan Schablowsky (D-IL) expressed her disappointment, "The public is already skeptical that this stimulus program will be effective. That portion of the package - called it the 'Happy Gal Provision' - was a stimulus that was absolutely guaranteed to work. This leaves women in congress very, very frustrated." In spite of Congresswoman Schablowsky's objections, the money was shifted to a provision subsidizing beer and pizza delivery during March Madness.

Innovative Solutions

WASHINGTON - Unable to reach a compromise on using tax cuts or spending as the proper way to stimulate the economy, congress opted instead to award a trillion dollar, no-bid contract to Halliburton to revive the economy. "As they have shown in Iraq, they can take taxpayer billions and sprinkle them like confetti all across the country", said house minority leader John Boehner, "we all know that Democrats can spend money with the best of them what we need in times like this are professionals. these guys can teach Wall Street a thing or two about making cash evaporate."
Democratic congressional leaders Nancy Pelosi, Steny Hoyer and chief Democratic negotiator Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush (pictured) expressed satisfaction with the compromise however President Obama has reportedly invited them to the White House to discuss the bill "over a couple cans of whup-ass."

High Degree of Difficulty

WASHINGTON -- Bankers react to the senate's version of the economic rescue package.

Motivator In Chief

WASHINGTON -- In his first prime time news conference, President Obama urged congress to "hurry up and pass that motherfucking economic stimulus bill."

Voice of Reason

WASHINGTON -- Rush Limbaugh addresses the Republican congressional delegation, stressing unity and referring to Democrats as "dogs" saying, "We must crush them, take their women, burn their crops and drive their children into the sea." Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY), was quoted as saying "That seems like a reasonable approach to doing what's right for the country."

Blame It On Little Debbie

NEW YORK -- Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez is sticking by his claim that he has never used any performance enhancing drugs and attributes any changes in his appearance to an increased consumption of "little powdered sugar donuts."

Loyal Opposition

WASHINGTON -- Republican senators appear to be unified in their opposition to any economic bailout package that doesn't reinstate Ronald Regan as president.

Bipartisanship

WASHINGTON -- Senators fail to reach agreement on the contentious economic bailout package.

Exit Stage Right

WASHINGTON -- Former Sen. Tom Daschle, President Barack Obama's choice to head the Health and Human Services, leaves the capital in a car and driver supplied by a lobbying firm after withdrawing his name from consideration for the cabinet post.

Six More Months

PUNXSUTAWNEY -- A stunned Punxsutawney Phil reacts after emerging from his lair and taking a good look at his financial statements. The plucky groundhog called for "6 more months of economic nuclear winter."

Taxiderby

WASHINGTON -- Health and Human Services secretary-designate Tom Daschle pays all back taxes owed in cash, and throws in a little something for the IRS agents, prior to beginning confirmation hearings. Economists say that if all Obama cabinet appointees pay off their back taxes, the national deficit could be erased.

Six!

TAMPA -- The Arizona Cardinals bow to the Pittsburgh Steelers 27-23 in Super Bowl XLIII.