Dropped Like a Stone

PALM BEACH FL   Recently indicted Trump advisor Roger Stone is reportedly following the advice of his lawyer and employing an 'I'm going to spend the rest of my life in jail' defense that revolves around denying crimes that he has already publicly admitted to. A Stone confidant says, "I can't tell you who Roger's counsel is, but his initials are Rudy Giuliani."

Super Dress Up Party

BOSTON MA  The New England Patriots have announced that they will wear their white, MAGA jerseys in the upcoming Super Bowl. "We call them our 'shutdown' jerseys, said trainer Ped Snootful. "In two weeks the whole county's going to still be in shutdown mode; we love it."
The Rams are still considering their options. Reportedly they may wear Saints Jerseys. because, "they absolutely should be there" or they may go with cheerleader outfits, because as one team trainer says "they're fun, spunky and fashion is all about taking risks."

Face the Music

WASHINGTON DC  White House sources say that following a series of gaffes and a "Tourettes - style evidence dump" over the past week, presidential spokeslawyer Rudy Giuliani will no longer speak to the press. He will continue to meet with reporters and appear on news programs, however from this point on, he will "only respond with facial expressions." Reporters seem unfazed, one network correspondent noted, "I guess we can add mimes to the list of things team Trump thinks are a good idea."

MAGA Teen Spirit

WASHINGTON DC  MAGA hat wearing Catholic high school teens who appeared to harass a native american as he chanted a peace prayer, have reportedly vowed to 'never, ever, ever, in our lives - get laid.'  A spokesperson for Women Everywhere assured them, "That will not be a problem."

Pence Pushes Provolone

WASHINGTON DC  Vice President Mike Pence appeared on the Sunday news shows to tout the administration's latest proposal for a border wall.  "Everyone knows that Latinos are exceptionally lactose intolerant and America produces some of the worlds strongest cheeses. A border wall made out of cheese would A) Be very effective in repelling migrants and B) Bring a much needed boost to America's dairy farmers." when pressed about the durability of a cheese border wall Pence countered, "Have you ever tried cutting provolone or romano? It's nearly impossible! And remember, we will leave the rind on, that makes it very comparable to our steel slat design." The president hopes to discuss the proposal with Democrats, "over some fondue and Lactaid" and hopes they'll keep an open mind.

Introducing: The MAGA Wall Hat!

WASHINGTON DC   Hoping to jump start the negotiations over his border wall funding, President Trump has introduced his 'MAGA Wall Hat' design. "I've got two right here, one each for Chuck and Nancy. It's a great hat, the greatest - well maybe second greatest. But believe me it's a great hat."

Trump reportedly believes that this will clarify the actual purpose behind the wall and quickly shift public opinion behind him. Polls currently show that "next to no one" thinks either the border wall or the resulting government shutdown are a good idea.