Pope Performs Miracle in Washington

WASHINGTON   Pope Francis has climbed the first step towards sainthood by performing his first confirmed miracle while on his historic trip to the United States. His simple, heartfelt words on the importance of family, on working together, on global warming - miraculously convinced Speaker John Boehner to resign his leadership post and his seat in congress "for the good of America." The pope downplayed the event saying, "Now you know why Trump won't meet with me."

Stating the Obvious

NEW YORK   Following his appearance on the premier episode of 'The Late Show with Steven Colbert', the Secret Service has taken the unusual step of determining the code name they will use if and when Jeb! Bush becomes eligible for Secret Service protection. Secret Service code names strive to sum up the character of the person succinctly; for Mr. Bush they plan to go with: "Al Gore."

Iran Deal Passes the Cheney Test

LARAMIE   Former Vice President Dick Cheney's vehement opposition to the President's Iran nuclear plan has undercut the rest of the Republican party's plan to derail the deal. "History tells us that Dick Cheney never met a bad idea he didn't like. Almost no one bats .1000, but he's done it." said Republican strategy Snip Diddler. "Domestic policy: Katrina, foreign policy: 'we'll be greeted as liberators', economic policy: derivatives and destroying manufacturing. It's actually uncanny, it's like Cheney has a magnetic attraction to awful ideas. The man couldn't recognize sound policy if it were giving him a lap dance."

Republican candidates are clearly uncomfortable when Cheney's name is brought into the Iran deal discussion. A top Republican aide commented off the record, "We really think it's a bad deal, but Dick Cheney's opposition instantly makes it look like it's good for America. It's a tough position."

God Speaks About Kentucky Clerk

LEXINGTON   Rowan County clerk Kim Davis is citing "God's authority" as her reason for refusing to issue same sex marriage licenses even after losing her supreme court appeal. In a rare move, God has issued a statement distancing himself from Ms Davis, "Kim Davis appears to be a confused soul, a frumpy county employee who somehow got a cross stuck up her butt. Perhaps demons are causing her to blame me for her lack of job performance, but the truth is I did not lend my authority to her or Rowan County Kentucky and I've got to say her claim is absolutely not kosher. I suggest that she get to work issuing marriage licenses to whoever wants one, lest she face some biblical style wrath from me. And really, she needs to do something with that hair, it's not 1963."

Basic Instinct

CLEVELAND  Polling from the first Republican debate showed one thing: even dogs hate Ted Cruz. Mitzy Bonobo from Harrisburg, owner of a mixed breed named Fritz said, "Fritz never growls at anyone, but when he hears Ted Cruz, he foams at the mouth, I have to lock him in my bedroom and put on smooth jazz to calm him down." It appears that this is not an unusual sentiment. Across breeds, almost all dogs appear to hate Senator Cruz - as do babies, toddlers, nuns and interestingly - pandas. Docile Pandas react placidly to almost any stimulus, but writhe, hold their ears and roll on the ground when exposed to Ted Cruz rhetoric.  Polling even worse among dogs was former senator Santorum's performance in the earlier 'Kids Table Debate.' When exposed to his debate audio, dogs shook, whined and in some cases even vomited. Reportedly, the Humane Society of America spokesman Rick Shed said, "Dogs are excellent judges of character, we will not play audio from future republican debates in our facilities on humanitarian grounds."

Palmer Sets Sights on Shamu

1.  MINNEAPOLIS  Big game serial killer and fugitive dentist Walter Palmer is reportedly making good use of his time in hiding.  While his practice remains shuttered due to the firestorm of outrage following his killing of beloved Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe, rumors swirl regarding Palmer's plans to add an Orca to his trophy room. Palmer reportedly told friends he'd purchased permits to hunt an Orca killer whale in the San Diego area. Associates say that Palmer told them "It's all perfectly legal. I got the permits from the a Nigerian prince; it's game on. I'm very excited?" As a result of the rumors, SeaWorld is stepping up security. Spokesman Mike Nelson said, "We're on high alert. While it would be extremely difficult to lure Shamu off the property, orcas will do just about anything for a couple of fresh mackerel. We can't be too careful." Meanwhile, the grieving continues for Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe, one Wildlife Parks official, dejectedly noted, "It's very sad, hunters without testicles are always the cruelest."