Bye Bye Bieber

(LOS ANGELES) Justin Beiber made the world's Christmas dreams come true when he announced via twitter that he is retiring. Jews and Palestinians flooded the streets and embraced, the Syrian conflict all but evaporated, the US congress resigned en-masse saying, "We're sorry for letting you down and being total douchebags - you deserve better", as people worldwide realized what a post-Beiber era might mean. UN General Secretary Ban Ki-moon said, "Obviously we're ecstatic, I mean, everyone is - but the worst thing, I mean the worst thing that could happen to the entire planet is if this retirement thing is a hoax."

Dick Dynasty

Remarks by Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson where he denounced gays for their "excellent design sense, attention to hygiene, literacy and damned niceness" has left the A&E network trying to appease both critics and fans of the hit show.  A&E has reached what they feel is an acceptable compromise. They plan to air new episodes, however the name of the show will be changed to 'Dick Dynasty.'

Romney Takes Mega Millions

SAN DIEGO  Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney was informed during a round of golf at Bushwood Country Club that he had won the MegaMillions jackpot worth over $600 million. After noting, "well, that's awkward," Romney vowed to use the money to help people in the 98th, 97th and even the 96th percentile reach the 99th. Following an uncomfortable pause, Romney's golfing partner, Judge Smails, turned to him and asked, "Top notch Mitt, top notch! How about double or nothing?"

Mandela Interpreter Signs Up

(PRETORIA) The sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela's funeral service provided his own interpretation of remarks including appearing to be trapped in a box and engaging in a mock tug of war with an unseen opponent. A spokesman for South Africa's president, Jacob Zuma said the interpreter might not have gotten the gist of the remarks but, "he made it a hell of a lot more interesting for everyone." Lefty Sweezle of the Association of Sign Language Interpreters said the government has ignored them, "as usual our complaints have fallen on…. well you know."