LONDON - Millions worldwide who have been eagerly anticipating the wedding of Prince William to Katherine Middleton at Westminster Abbey were put quickly to sleep by the inescapable plodding dullness of the proceedings. Even the most excited royal watchers drifted off as though affected by a powerful sedative within minutes after the ceremony began. "Buggers!!! I missed it," said Clarice Rigby who had spent every waking moment for the past six months preparing for the wedding, "but I had a lovely nap."
WASHINGTON - President Obama posted a copy of his “long-form” birth certificate from the state of Hawaii on Wednesday, which may finally end the long-simmering conspiracy theory among some conservatives that Obama was not born in the United States and was not a legitimate president. White House communications director Dan Pfeiffer noted that an irrefutable birth certificate may not end the controversy, "They'd have to to read it. It involves reading. Birthers aren't particularly good at reading." The certificate itself has immediately created another issue since it lists the birthplace of his father, 'Smokin' Jor-El Obama, as the planet Krypton. Pfeiffer acknowledged that the media would have a field day with the new information and added, "we can't wait to see what Trump does with it."
WASHINGTON -- The Supreme Court has declined to hear an appeal from the state of Virginia designed to repeal the administration's Healthcare Act. Citing the court's "need for colonoscopies" the justices unanimously agreed to allow the appeal to remain with the lower courts, and adding "Justice is not blind, but it does have to be checked for polyps."
NEW ORLEANS - Previews of the new Nicolas Cage film 'Drink Angry' have been leaked to YouTube. The clip features the signature line, "They took my vodka, I am going to get it back."
WASHINGTON - House speaker Jphn Boehner and a trusted deputy managed to regroup the Republican caucus for a vote on the contentious budget bill using a combination of fire hoses, Darvocet and promises of candy and hookers. 59 Republican members voted against the bill. That number could have been much greater if not for the armed presence of deputy Fife. "That's the second amendment in action" said Boehner, "thank god they didn't know he only had one bullet."
SAN FRANCISCO - Jurors continue deliberation in Barry Bonds Perjuroids trial after reaching a guilty verdict on one count. Bonds was originally charged with four counts of perjury, one count of obstruction of justice and one count of being a huge asshole. Ten counts of douchbaggery were added to the indictment in May 2008 along with three counts of complete unlikeability. The jury announced a 'guilty' verdict on the one count that prosecutors felt was incontrovertible; that Bonds is a total asshole. "Even his mom wouldn't appeal that one" noted one prosecutor. Deliberations will continue tomorrow.
NEW YORK - Donald Trump says he will probably run for president as an independent candidate if he doesn't secure the GOP nomination. Trump is confident that he could be both president and reality TV star, "Can you imagine the ratings for that show?!" His ability to multitask doesn't stop there, Trump stated that he hasn't ruled out adding possible careers as either an Astronaut or Rodeo Clown. "There are a lot of people who would like to see me leave the planet, so astronaut is a good fit. Also - and you may not know this - but I am very nimble and quite good with animals.You add 'clown' in there and rodeo clown is really the essence of who I am. I always like to remind the voters that they should never misunderestimate me."
WASHINGTON - Namenda, a widely prescribed Alzheimer's drug has been proven to be essentially ineffective. Users of Namenda are largely unconcerned by these revelations - because they have Alzheimer's.
WASHINGTON - President Obama and House Speaker John Boehner have agreed on a starting position to expedite future policy negotiations. Both Obama and Boehner will open all future negotiations by stating, "You're a douchebag, and you're out to destroy the country."
WASHINGTON - The Democratic caucus has decided to replace senate majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) with a potted plant, specifically a purple Iris, as their spokesman on the budget battle with the right wing of the Republican party. "We feel a potted plant would be a more dynamic presence than Harry Reid" said Chuck Schumer (D-NY) "the brilliant purple color will hold the attention of 10 to 12 percent of the electorate, more than double what Harry Reid typically pulls." As to the choice of an Iris, a fickle plant, which is difficult to maintain, party spokesman Ned Spanky noted, "when the fuck do we ever do anything easy."
NEW YORK - Mental institutions around the country are reporting tension and protests in reaction to the announcement that the The Glenn Beck Show will be dropped by Fox News. It's a serious situation," said Dr. Inago Lobatoni of the Bushwood Institute, "for many of our patients, the voices in their heads all sound like Glenn Beck." Fox News plans to tap into their Strategic Paranoia Reserve to insure that those who thrive on crackpot conspiracies and implausible doomsday scenarios will not be abandoned. "Tell the mental health community to chill," said one Fox news editor, "we can keep their patients paranoid and delusional with noooooo problem."
WASHINGTON - House Speaker John Boehner listens to aides as he discusses the Republicans plan to cut 4.9 billion in government expenditures from Medicare and Medicaid by "Driving the old people out onto the ice floes." While popular among the Tea Party contingent, the scheme has hit a major snag: most of the ice floes have melted. "We'll hold ice floe hearings soon" said Boehner, "But for now we have identified some excellent low cost alternatives: cliffs, mine shafts, quicksand." Boehner noted that quicksand's ideal but is in short supply. Framing the shortage as a 2012 campaign issue, Bohner claimed that Democrats let the strategic quicksand reserve plummet from the record levels maintained by the Bush administration, saying "Sadly, China'a now far ahead of us in the quicksand race."
AUSTIN - Southwest Airlines plans to offer goggles and leather helmets at no extra charge to all passengers on their new 'Open Cockpit Service' which they have implemented on their Boeing 737 aircraft.
GAINESVILLE - With recruitment flagging, Al Qaeda turned to Florida minister Terry Jones of the Dove World Outreach Church in Gainesville to come up with a foolproof recruiting campaign. Dubbed "Rednecks Without Borders" Jones's Quran-B-Que brainstorm has been an immediate bonanza for Al Qaeda, prompting no less than Osama Bin Laden to comment, "Terry Jones, he's our hero." Building on his Al Qaeda success, Jones has reportedly signed on to work his marketing magic for another largely despised organization, NAMBLA. Sources say Jones is finalizing a campaign he plans to call "Altar Boys to Men.".
DEEPDISH - Dominos Pizza has spent millions to convince customers that until recently, their food was completely awful but they really are going to try to figure this pizza thing out. They claim they are going to get better - they just don't say when. Now Dominos is putting this ad campaign into the customer's hands with their new "Tell Us How Shitty We Are" pizza box. Customers are invited to chose from Corny, Nutty and Diarrhea, to indicate just how much better Dominos is performing. It is rumored that the next phase of the campaign will seek consumer input. Still under development, the "Help Us, We're Clueless" ads are expected to run within a month.
