Iranian Roulette

TEHRAN   The leaders of Iran were stunned to learn last week that one of the first actions secretly taken by the Trump administration was to put the Middle Eastern country on ‘Double Secret Probation” because, as as security advisor Dean Wormer noted, “We hate those guys.”  Iranian foreign secretary Ali Ali Allcomefree explained, “As soon as we found out, the Supreme Mystical Security Council was convened to address the issue. We all knew what had to be done, everybody shouted ‘Missile test!!!’ Then we threw our heads back and laughed.” 

The Iranians seemed unconcerned with the posturing by the Trump administration. “We’ll let them duke it out with the Australians for a while," said Allcomefree, “then we’ll come back with something even better. We’ve got some doozies planned." 

Trump Casts Out Satan

WASHINGTON   The nation was stunned today when President Trump failed to nominate Satan - The Destroyer of Worlds, for confirmation to the Supreme Court. All week it appeared The Prince of Darkness was the clear favorite. One staffer noted, “He’s been at the White House for days, showing up early, bringing donuts, sitting in on all the meetings - I thought it was a sure thing. He’s such a good fit. Beelzebub and Trump are really on the same page, they finish each other’s sentences."

Some pundits are sure Satan will find a role in the new administration while others are less certain. “How much unbridled evil do they really need?” asked noted political analyist Snoops McGyver, “He’s already got Gingrich, Bannon, Guliani… that’s an excellent triumvirate of dead eyed, soulless horror right there. Why would they want to mess with that balance."