Linguini with Klan Sauce

CHARLESTON  Donald Trump continues to claim that he has no idea about who David Duke  could be or what white supremacists are. "Look, I see some guys with tall white hats on their heads, I assume they're chefs - chefs. Are chefs racist, I don't think so. And that Duke guy. I hear he's a Duke, I hear he's a wizard, the media can't get it straight."  Asked for a comment former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke said, "Of course Trump's right, we're  chefs."

Wall to Wall to Mexico

HOUSTON   Republican Front Runner Donald Trump claimed that the plans for his Border Wall with Mexico, "Are really coming together. I'm signing up contractors left and right and let me tell you, I will only work with contractors who have a history with minorities and I can say that some these folks truly are wizards."

Jeb Unveils New Logo

Donald Trumps Pope

LAS VEGAS  Reacting swiftly to Pope Francis' position that he is "not a Christian" because of his position on immigration, Donald Trump took the offensive, "Pope Francis is going to be soooo sorry he questioned my faith. You know what, nothing says I can't be both President and Pope; so as of right now, I'm also running or Pope. Look the Catholics love me, I have a great relationship with them. Frankly, many Catholics tell me they would kill to have a pope like me." Asked how he could run for an office that was not vacant, Trump stated, "My people assure me that it's no problem. We're already printing the 'Make the Vatican Great Again' hats.

Cam Nails It

SAN FRANCISCO   Following his post Super Bowl news conference, Cam Newton has shot to the top of the Republican presidential field just one day before the New Hampshire primary. Newton answered only seven questions, giving mostly one word answers. His performance clearly outstripped all participants in Saturday's Republican debate for thoughtfullness, clarity and detailed policy proposals. Also surging in Republican polls are political outsiders: Beyonce, Johnny Manziel and The Cohen Brothers who Chris Christie dismissed as, "Booty, batty and technically brilliant."  

Jesus Endorses Trump

DES MOINES  Donald Trump scored a surprise endorsement just in time for the Iowa caucus vote on Monday when Jesus Christ appeared at a rally to offer his endorsement to the business magnate.  Jesus appeared on stage, healed a blind man and said what separated Trump from the other candidates is, "Donald Trump doesn't even pretend to be likable or socially aware. He doesn't care that he's creepy. Frankly it's a miracle that anyone likes him."  When asked if he could help Trump with his hair, Jesus said "There's no reason to, it's a miracle as it is. And you know what? That makes him one miracle shy of sainthood! What other candidate can say that?" A humble Trump joked with the Savior saying, "Us kings of kings have to stick together."