Trump Claims Immunity

NEW YORK   Donald Trump expressed confidence on Saturday that he could "Stand on New York's fifth Avenue and shoot people" and not lose voters. "This is not an idle threat" said Trump aide Lonnie Stickler, "you know he's packing." Trump reportedly has tried out this theme in campaign strategy sessions, 'I could drown puppies in french dressing and not lose voters', 'I could hurl kittens off Trump Tower into a bubbling cauldron and not lose support', "I could run with scissors through Times Square in my panda-fur coat, groping pregnant women - and not lose votes.' One concerned staffer noted, "Maybe he's getting a little carried away with this theme." Asked if Trump really does have a panda-fur coat, the staffer said,"Absolutely not, but I think Chris Christi does."

Palin Falls Flat

LAS VEGAS  Sarah Palin's endorsement of Donald Trump's presidential campaign is drawing mixed reviews from the conservative base. Registered voters at Sunrise Farms Sanatorium had been evenly split between between Trump and Ted Cruz, and that didn't change. "I love slam poetry so her speech was cool," said long time inmate Billy Sneegle, "but she sounds just like the voice that keeps telling me to kill people, so it was a little off-putting." Many residents say that their vote is medication dependent, "If I don't take 'em, Cruz starts to make sense" said Sneegle.