FBI Releases Photo of Russian Who Did Not Meet With Don Jr.

WASHINGTON   The FBI reportedly believes it has located a US based Russian agent who Donald Trump Jr. did not meet with. The agent, known only as Vlad (pictured at left at a 'Real Americans for Trump' rally) reportedly had several meetings scheduled, but all were cancelled. When questioned by the FBI, Vlad claimed "All his friends were meeting with 'Donny" but was evasive as to why he'd been shut out, "This is very complicated, a lot of in's, a lot of out's, a lot of what have you's." The FBI feels that there are not many other Russian agents out there who haven't met with Don Jr., but as one agent said, "It's certainly not suspicious, Donny's a people pleaser."

Summit-Up

WASHINGTON    Thrilled with what he sees as 'amazing press' following the Helsinki summit,  President Trump has reportedly asked aides to prepare a short list of leaders he can meet with. Summit requests from dictators are reportedly flooding in and White House advisor Steven Miller is reviewing the offers for 'whiteness."
     "The President was very disappointed to learn that Narnia was off the table," said one staffer. "Apparently Putin told him he had to meet the queen - 'she's so hot.'"

Helsink-hole

HELSINKI   Interpreters present at the Trump / Putin summit reported that after some initial tension the two leaders got along well once Trump finished polishing the Russian leader's shoes, ironing his shirt and cleaning up after his dog.  In return Putin presented Trump with a T-shirt that reads "Witch hunt." Both leaders agreed to meet again - but not collude - "right before the mid-terms."