Money Well Spent

NEW YORK -- Jacob Frenkel, vice chairman of American International Group vows to go forward with the company's plan to "make it rain" to the tune of $165 million at, AIG's corporate offices, after receiving billions in taxpayer dollars. "Our people are kind of down right now", said Frenkel, "you know, almost bringing world's the financial system to it's knees and all has really taken it's toll. No one dreamed we had the cajones to do something like this, so I think it's really going to go over big with our employees." Acknowledging the fact that the American public is outraged at the prospect of hefty bonuses paid with taxpayer dollars to managers who, by any reasonable standard, have been utter failures, a spokesman referred to the company's new, post-bailout slogan "AIG: The Company You Hate."

Wall Street Beating

NEW YORK -- Many feared it was all over for CNBC's Jim Cramer after he was the totally dismembered on The Daily Show Thursday by host Jon Stewart . CNBC quickly dispatched Rick Santelli to Comedy Central's studio where he was able to "more of less" reassemble Cramer, although there is some question as to what brain Santelli used during the procedure.

Let's All Hug

NEW YORK - Radio host Rush Limbaugh today offered to meet with RNC chairman Michael Steele and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich to settle their public squabbles. "We can meet in my sauna. I'll accept their apologies mano-a-mano."

Stem the Tide

WASHINGTON -- President Obama urged researchers "to follow science, not ideology" prior to abolishing contentious Bush-era restraints on stem-cell research.

No Appeal

WASHINGTON -- Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has called for the summary execution of RNC chairman Michael Steele following Steele's critical remarks during an interview. Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) expressed shock and outrage at Limbaugh's "orders", before expressing regret that, "we'll just have to shoot Michael tomorrow." There is no word as to who will carry out the execution, but former Vice President Cheney has reportedly offered has services.

Calming the Markets

WASHINGTON -- Key Obama economic advisor reports, "things are going just fine."