Terminator 4: End of Marriage

HOLLYWOOD - Associates have reported increasingly bizarre behavior by Arnold Schwarzenegger as Maria Shriver prepares to file for divorce.

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Santorum Tortures America

PENNSYLTUCKY - Former senator Rick Santorum (Left) said in a recent interview that long-tortured POW John McCain does not "understand how enhanced interrogation works." McCain noted, "Anyone who's heard Rick Santorum speak is familiar with torture." During the interview Santorum also observed: "Stephen Hawking doesn't have a clue about ALS", "B.B. King could learn a lot from white people about the blues" and "Dr. Phil may be the greatest philosopher of our time." The former senator also said, "Barry Bonds probably does understand exactly how steroids work."  

Riddle Me This, Al Qaeda

WAZIZSTAN - Al Qaeda has named The Riddler as interim operational leader to take over day to day operations of the terror organization. Wiley E. Coyote, Al Qaeda's media representative explained, "We've been running really short on 'clever' lately. But I think we really hit a home run with this guy." 

The Govinseminator

HOLLYWOOD - Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to fathering a child with a household employee more than a decade ago. Schwarzenegger told an interviewer that he regretted the affair mostly because the woman, "really, really looks like Danny DeVito." 

Trump Says Hairwell

NEW YORK - Donald Trump has decided not to pursue the Republican presidential nomination. The real estate developer cited his desire "to spend more time with my hairstylist" as his main reason for leaving the race.  

Huckabye-bye

NEW YORK - Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee announced on his Fox TV show 'Gravy Train' that he will not seek the Republican Presidential nomination. Huckabee explained his decision, "Well, if you have been paying attention you'd know that the rapture is going to happen Saturday and a lot of us good Christians aren't going to be around. There's a very good chance that I may announce on Monday that I'm running for president of heaven." Huckabee said he wishes the best to "those who will remain here to suffer and die" and noted, "Some of us will be gone, but I'm pretty sure Republican voters will still have Gingrich, Trump, Palin and Bachman to work with."

Pakistrategy

ISLAMABAD - Fearing that the US will use it in service of their outrage over Osama Bin Laden's long and comfy residence in their country, the Pakistani government has preemptively trademarked the phrase "How dare you" The Pakistanis' plan to employ it to promote their own outrage over the commando raid that killed Bin Laden. They also plan to roll it out against charges of complicity with Bin Laden at the highest levels of their government. Almost immediately after the Pakistani move, the Obama administration countered by trademarking the phrase "Are you fucking kidding me?" An administration source says that the phrase will be "Incredibly useful in our future dealings with Pakistan."  

Ladies Choice

MOUNT PILOT - Newt Gingrich is confident that voters have moved past his serial philandering, history of divorcing women with cancer, reprehensible personal behavior and are ready to elect him president of the United States. A confident Gingrich said, "The voters know what I can do for the country, they remember the Contract On America. They've forgotten about my personal issues just like I have. In fact, the only time I think about my wives is when I hear the word 'plaintiff.'"

The Empire Strikes Back

WASHINGTON - Early Sunday morning, President Obama authorized use of 'the force' to take out Osama Bin Laden.

Virgin Shortage Reported

AFTERLIFE - Osama Bin Laden is reportedly very disappointed with the quality of the 72 virgins he received after his death. "I know there's been a run on them lately, but c'mon" said the terrorist mastermind, "eternity is really going to seem like eternity." 

Osama Bin Shot

ISLAMABAD- The US confirmed tonight that they have killed Osama Bim Laden relying on a special forces operative who, in the words of the president,  "possessed true grit."
Pakistani officials struggled to explain how Bin Laden could have been openly living less than an hour from their nation's capital, "In our defense, he was wearing an elaborate disguise - as Osama Bin Laden. It's a very popular disguise here. Boy, he really fooled us."