Quidditch Pro Quo

WASHINGTON   White House elf and EU ambassador Gordon Sondland has amended his closed door impeachment inquiry testimony to indicate that there was "definitely, absolutely a quid pro quo" regarding Ukrainian military aid. Sondland explained, "Gordon did not want to disappoint his master. Gordon thought the questioning was about quidditch. Gordon was a bad white House elf," while repeatedly striking himself in the head with Rudy Giuliani's false teeth as White House staff made no attempt to stop him. Then he added, "Gordon also does not want to go to jail."

Sanctions On Turkey

WASHINGTON DC   President Trump today announced sanctions against what appeared to be an actual turkey after bursting into the Situation Room where the few remaining NSC staffers were attempting to craft a solution to the humanitarian and diplomatic disaster Trump had created out of thin air in Syria. While pointing at the actual  turkey, Trump announced  impromptu 136% tariffs on Turkish giblets, stuffing and green beans with onion straws   He did not rule out tariffs on cranberry sauce. Before storming out, Trump reportedly said that any additional sanctions, "would just be gravy."

Nixon 2020

Who can't see this???

Mental Illness in El Paso

EL PASO   A mentally ill man rambled around an El Paso hospital this week ranting to stunned emergency personnel who days before had performed heroically in the aftermath of a mass shooting.  "He seemed to be fixated on crowd size for some reason, it was bizarre. No one knew what he was talking about," said one doctor.  The man then posed with an toddler who had been orphaned in the sooting. Inexplicably, he grinned and shot a thumbs up. Staff were horrified, but luckily the man was quickly escorted out by the entourage that he'd arrived with.

The man was described as having 'clownish hair and an ill fitting suit." He was accompanied by a woman, who staff said had, "tons of makeup and strip club hair." Anyone with knowledge of who the man is should contact authorities,

ManaFellas

WASHINGTON DC  Former Trump campaign manager Paul Manafort celebrates with his legal team following his lenient sentencing for multiple convictions. Manafort attorneys Tommy and Jimmy were overheard saying, "47 months! Forgetaboutit, Paulie can do that standing on his head."

Trump Wows CPAC

WASHINGTON DC  Donald Trump addressed conservatives at the annual CPAC conference today in a rambling address covering many topics. In an ominous warning to his many detractors the president reminded them, "I can make things move without touching them. I can make animals do what I want without training them. I can make bad things happen to people who are mean to me. I can make them hurt, if I want...."  When Trump ended by reminding the audience that they 'had one hour to produce Harry Potter' and then, "Join me in the Forbidden Forest and confront your fate. If you do not do this, I shall kill every last man, woman and child who tries to conceal him from me," - the crowd went wild.

Dropped Like a Stone

PALM BEACH FL   Recently indicted Trump advisor Roger Stone is reportedly following the advice of his lawyer and employing an 'I'm going to spend the rest of my life in jail' defense that revolves around denying crimes that he has already publicly admitted to. A Stone confidant says, "I can't tell you who Roger's counsel is, but his initials are Rudy Giuliani."

Super Dress Up Party

BOSTON MA  The New England Patriots have announced that they will wear their white, MAGA jerseys in the upcoming Super Bowl. "We call them our 'shutdown' jerseys, said trainer Ped Snootful. "In two weeks the whole county's going to still be in shutdown mode; we love it."
The Rams are still considering their options. Reportedly they may wear Saints Jerseys. because, "they absolutely should be there" or they may go with cheerleader outfits, because as one team trainer says "they're fun, spunky and fashion is all about taking risks."

Face the Music

WASHINGTON DC  White House sources say that following a series of gaffes and a "Tourettes - style evidence dump" over the past week, presidential spokeslawyer Rudy Giuliani will no longer speak to the press. He will continue to meet with reporters and appear on news programs, however from this point on, he will "only respond with facial expressions." Reporters seem unfazed, one network correspondent noted, "I guess we can add mimes to the list of things team Trump thinks are a good idea."

MAGA Teen Spirit

WASHINGTON DC  MAGA hat wearing Catholic high school teens who appeared to harass a native american as he chanted a peace prayer, have reportedly vowed to 'never, ever, ever, in our lives - get laid.'  A spokesperson for Women Everywhere assured them, "That will not be a problem."

Pence Pushes Provolone

WASHINGTON DC  Vice President Mike Pence appeared on the Sunday news shows to tout the administration's latest proposal for a border wall.  "Everyone knows that Latinos are exceptionally lactose intolerant and America produces some of the worlds strongest cheeses. A border wall made out of cheese would A) Be very effective in repelling migrants and B) Bring a much needed boost to America's dairy farmers." when pressed about the durability of a cheese border wall Pence countered, "Have you ever tried cutting provolone or romano? It's nearly impossible! And remember, we will leave the rind on, that makes it very comparable to our steel slat design." The president hopes to discuss the proposal with Democrats, "over some fondue and Lactaid" and hopes they'll keep an open mind.

Introducing: The MAGA Wall Hat!

WASHINGTON DC   Hoping to jump start the negotiations over his border wall funding, President Trump has introduced his 'MAGA Wall Hat' design. "I've got two right here, one each for Chuck and Nancy. It's a great hat, the greatest - well maybe second greatest. But believe me it's a great hat."

Trump reportedly believes that this will clarify the actual purpose behind the wall and quickly shift public opinion behind him. Polls currently show that "next to no one" thinks either the border wall or the resulting government shutdown are a good idea.