FOR SALE: Jeff Flake and Susan Collins Lawn Chairs

FOR SALE:  A matched set of Jeff Flake and Susan Collins lawn chairs. These chairs appear to be sturdy and reliable, but actually will lull you into a false sense of security that they can counted on to perform the basic task of supporting their constituents.  Unfortunately, these chairs have a history of folding under the tiniest amount of pressure. They are prone to collapse and will throw you to the ground - again and again and again.

If you think these Jeff Flake and Susan Collins lawn chairs are what you're looking for - no reasonable offer will be refused.

Trump Confessed to Collusion

WASHINGTON  President Donald Trump confessed to collusion with Russia to influence the outcome of the 2016 election via twitter last night saying his son Don Jr (aka Fredo) actually met with Russians to accept "dirt" on Hillary Clinton.  His tweet seems to implicate his son for high crimes, treason as well as first degree dumbshittery.  Trump's resignation is now expected "at any time", while the president and Don Jr are reportedly squabbling over who will bunk with Paul Manifort in prison.
Manifort is reportedly balking at that arrangement and is hoping to instead bunk with "people who read."

FBI Releases Photo of Russian Who Did Not Meet With Don Jr.

WASHINGTON   The FBI reportedly believes it has located a US based Russian agent who Donald Trump Jr. did not meet with. The agent, known only as Vlad (pictured at left at a 'Real Americans for Trump' rally) reportedly had several meetings scheduled, but all were cancelled. When questioned by the FBI, Vlad claimed "All his friends were meeting with 'Donny" but was evasive as to why he'd been shut out, "This is very complicated, a lot of in's, a lot of out's, a lot of what have you's." The FBI feels that there are not many other Russian agents out there who haven't met with Don Jr., but as one agent said, "It's certainly not suspicious, Donny's a people pleaser."

Summit-Up

WASHINGTON    Thrilled with what he sees as 'amazing press' following the Helsinki summit,  President Trump has reportedly asked aides to prepare a short list of leaders he can meet with. Summit requests from dictators are reportedly flooding in and White House advisor Steven Miller is reviewing the offers for 'whiteness."
     "The President was very disappointed to learn that Narnia was off the table," said one staffer. "Apparently Putin told him he had to meet the queen - 'she's so hot.'"

Helsink-hole

HELSINKI   Interpreters present at the Trump / Putin summit reported that after some initial tension the two leaders got along well once Trump finished polishing the Russian leader's shoes, ironing his shirt and cleaning up after his dog.  In return Putin presented Trump with a T-shirt that reads "Witch hunt." Both leaders agreed to meet again - but not collude - "right before the mid-terms."