Disney on Ice

SOCHI   Disney Corporation has filed suit against  gold medal ice dancers Meryl Davis and Charley White today charging that the skaters have infringed on characters from their movies 'Aladdin' and 'Pocahontis.'  Citing the fact that they exist in three dimensions, Davis and White have filed a motion to have the suit dismissed.

Russians Take the Sport Out of Curling

SOCHI  Pandemonium reined today at the Curling competition in Sochi when the Russians ran out of beer mid-competition.  "This is curling isn't it?" fumed Irish curler Brian O'Floozin, "why don't we try it without ice too." Canadian seeker Gordon Stoner echoed the sentiment, "Who understands the importance of drinking to curling - hell, to life - better than Russians." Security personnel at the venue promised to make sure coolers were stocked for the finals and vowed to find the culprits in the beer heist, "after we have a little nap."

Godzilla's Quest for Corvettes

BOWLING GREEN, KY   A state of emergency has been declared in Kentucky after Godzilla's search for classic sports cars led him to erupt from a giant sinkhole under the Corvette Museum.  As cars tumbled and the floor collapsed, Godzilla emerged roaring, then, "He giggled like a little girl," said museum curator Sy Berglas, "as soon as he saw the '63.  He may destroy cities, but that reptile's got good taste" The National Guard hopes to lure Godzilla to a remote area with a '74 AMC Hornet disguised as a rare 1958 Vette ragtop.  Explained the Guard's Captain Ed Spinkle, "Everyone knows those Hornets are the kiss of death."  

Taking Matters Into Their Own Hands

WASHINGTON, DC   House Speaker John Boehner today announced that the Republican congressional delegation plans to, "Retire to our offices and masturbate for the remainder of President Obama's term."  He explained his strategy, "It is literally the only thing we can agree on.  Immigration, debt ceiling, unemployment benefits - there is absolutely no consensus there.  But three years of me-time alone in our offices, everyone's on board with that."   When he was asked if this could be the last straw for their constituents, Boehner shrugged and said, "I don't think so, it's basically what we've been doing for the last 5 years."

Groundhog Picks Seahawks

(PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA)  Weather seer and Al Roker impersonator Punxsutawney Phil did double duty yesterday, predicting what everyone already knew about this winter and correctly calling the Seahawks Super Bowl blowout of the Denver Broncos.  "The Seahawks are going to roll the Broncos," said Phil, "I see a safety early, a kickoff return to open the second half and a scowl that never leaves Peyton's face.  I have no idea why you clowns only ask me about the weather, you should try holding me up in front of a March Madness Bracket."  The confident ground hog then whipped out a wad of cash and started placing his Super Bowl bets, "First I'm taking the over on the national anthem, then I'll run the table from there.  I hope to rake in enough to move to Florida; Punxsutawney sucks in the winter."