Belly Up

SOUTH BEND - Football fans everywhere lamented the firing of Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weiss amid concerns that the school might hire someone "good." Analysts however expect the school to follow recent trends and pick a coach that will not only disappoint alumni, but may bring down the wrath of God. Weis meanwhile did not stay unemployed for long, accepting the head coaching position at Hamburger U before the afternoon was out.

Trouble With Tiger

ATLANTA - Tiger Woods gets in a little practice while waiting for an ambulance after driving into a tree and fire hydrant hazard just outside his driveway.

Breast In Show

WASHINGTON - A U.S. government group's recommendation that women delay getting regular mammograms from 40 until age 50, has stirred controversy. The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) is releasing more detail in an attempt to lessen objections to the new guidelines. This clarification points out that mammography should not be completely abandoned for women in their 40's but may be largely replaced by a procedure currently in use called 'Cougar Screening'. In a Cougar Examination, women in their 40's recruit young men to thoroughly examine their breasts. Studies have shown that on average, young men do an painstaking job of examining breasts of older women, often studying areas that have been long neglected. The data shows that breasts are typically examined so thoroughly that it would almost be impossible to miss any abnormalities.

The USPSTF expects this new information will generate strong support for the new guidelines among women in their 40's and believe that younger men will enthusiastically take up the challenge.

The Son Also Rises

TOKYO - Conservative pundits are cheering President Obama's near beheading when he bowed deeply upon meeting Japanese Emperor Akihito, as per tradition. A Japanese government spokesman apologized for the sneak attack saying, "Sorry, force of habit."

Hard Road Ahead

NEW YORK - Researchers at NYU claim that they have been able to grow new penis cells (pictured here under high magnification) in the lab. While it's hoped that the cells can someday be implanted to restore sexual function, Dr. Andrew McCallough says, "These cells are unusually cranky and mean tempered. It will take much more testing to determine if they can be of any use to humans." Dr. McCallough feels that he should also be able to use these cells to clone sphincter cells saying, "they just have that look about them."

Extreme Makeover - Berlin Edition

BERLIN - On the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, a crack crew from ABC's renovation show 'Extreme Makeover' has rebuilt the hated symbol of communist tyranny overnight. 'We didn't recreate a section, we did the whole thing, guard towers, barbed wire, everything." said clearly proud crew leader Ty Pennington. "We don't just change lives, we recreate history." The crew however has been detained by German authorities who are reportedly "pissed as hell". The crew could be set free as early as tomorrow, but a government spokesman said "they'll have to make it through the mine field, avoid the crossfire, clear the concertina wire and get over the wall to leave the country."

Phillies Celebrate

NEW YORK - Philadelphia Phillies celebrate the end of the World Series saying, "It was really cold, the games went way too late & the Yankees pay A-Rod more than our entire team."