No Tricks, Just Treats

ISLAMABAD - Sources in Pakistan report that the Taliban is gearing up for Halloween, saying "They have their costumes ready and plan to be out from 6 to 9 PM in force." Taliban leaders have reportedly warned villagers to provide, "good treats, nothing fun-size."

Ailes Well

NEW YORK - As momentum builds concerning a possible presidential run by Roger Ailes, speculation rises that acting stints from early in his career could damage an Ailes campaign. His behind the scenes political and news careers are well documented back to the 80's when he helped Reagan and the first Bush gain the White House, followed by his stints at CNBC and Fox. Ailes role as the unpredictable Uncle Fester on the Addams Family is reportedly close to the man that employees of Fox News know. "He loves blowing things up and that light bulb thing - he really does that" said Sean Hannity. The impulsiveness and ability to defy common sense displayed by Fester should help him with conservative voters, said one Republican official. More troubling is Ailes' role as the sensitive, caring Charlie Brown. Polls show that conservatives consider Charlie Brown to be "a tree-hugging wimp not fit to be an American, let alone president". Analysts have dismissed Ailes short lived role as Curly Joe with the Three Stooges calling it a "sad, but harmless" chapter in his long career.

We're All Counting On You

DETROIT - The Northwest Airlines crew that overshot the Minneapolis airport by 180 miles maintains that they were merely distracted, but remained completely professional during the incident.

Belly Up

Steelers deliver victory. Vikings return home to regroup and shave their stomach

Reality Bites

FORT COLLINS, Colo. – Investigators in Colorado are speculating that the runaway balloon at the center of a publicity stunt gone awry may have taken off with Richard Heene's brain. Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden said, "From what we can determine, it appears that Mr. Heene does not have a brain in his head. We cannot at this time verify that he had any brains whatsoever before the balloon incident, but we do know that what is in Richard Heene's head is definitely not brains. It could be pudding, sand, poop, whatever. the fact remains that that man has no brains." Authorities do not plan to mount a search for the missing brain, Sheriff Alderden explained, "It would be like looking for Bigfoot; there just isn't a lot of evidence that the brain exists."

The Heene's stayed out of the media spotlight today, locked inside their house where they are reported working on an entirely new reality show proposal which they've titled: 'I'm In Deep Shit'.

Rush to Judgment

ST. LOUIS – Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from a group seeking to buy the St. Louis Rams for reportedly being, "too liberal." The group, led by St. Louis Blues chairman Dave Checkets, is in negotiations to replace Limbaugh with another well known arch conservative who also has access to vast family money: Osama Bin Laden. Bin Laden has reportedly shifted his focus to football after abandoning a bid to rescue the troubled WNBA once he determined "they can't play that game in burquas."

Swine and Dance

Bizarre symptoms emerge as swine flu spreads.

A Busy Man

Fresh off his surprising Nobel victory, President Obama went 4 for 4 and made a divining catch in center field to power the Yankees past the Twins in the American League Divisional Series. On Friday, Obama is scheduled to donate, then perform the transplant of his own kidney to a critically ill 11 year old girl and does not plan to play in the Yankees opener against the Angels in the ALCS. An administration spokesman says Obama's planned ascent of Everest on Sunday should go on as planned.

Day at the UN

Libyan leader Moamer Kadhafi and his twin brother Chico address the United Nations General Assembly at UN headquarters in New York. presenting his view of the world. Kadhafi defended his views saying, "Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

Jackson Completes Comeback

While many wept openly, Michael Jackson's brothers managed to remain composed during the emotional,star-studded memorial service for the King of Pop on Monday. As Jackson's body was taken from the memorial, the hearse carrying Jackson's body appeared to be moving backwards & forwards at the same time in apparent homage to Jackson's signature move.

The Evolution of Michael Jackson

Party On

In the wake of the second scandal involving extramarital affairs in a week, which de-railed a potential Republican party leader, RNC chairman Michael Steele has moved to limit damage to the party. Steele said, "The Republican party is a conservative party. Conservatives love family and consider marriage sacred. Second only to a day spent in church, extramarital affairs are clearly the lifeblood of bedrock conservatism. Many consider an enthusiastic extramarital roll in the hay to be a gift from God. The Democrats appalling lack of mistresses highlights their failure to follow the conservative Christian principals that have made this country great. We will continue to be the party that represents conservatives, their wives and their mistresses." Meanwhile, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admits to an extramarital affair with an Argentinean woman and apologized to his constituents for "not buying American."

Give Peace a Chance

WEIMAR, Germany – President Barack Obama toured a World War II concentration camp Friday and shared his format for middle east peace saying "all you need is love."

Money Well Spent

NEW YORK -- Jacob Frenkel, vice chairman of American International Group vows to go forward with the company's plan to "make it rain" to the tune of $165 million at, AIG's corporate offices, after receiving billions in taxpayer dollars. "Our people are kind of down right now", said Frenkel, "you know, almost bringing world's the financial system to it's knees and all has really taken it's toll. No one dreamed we had the cajones to do something like this, so I think it's really going to go over big with our employees." Acknowledging the fact that the American public is outraged at the prospect of hefty bonuses paid with taxpayer dollars to managers who, by any reasonable standard, have been utter failures, a spokesman referred to the company's new, post-bailout slogan "AIG: The Company You Hate."

Wall Street Beating

NEW YORK -- Many feared it was all over for CNBC's Jim Cramer after he was the totally dismembered on The Daily Show Thursday by host Jon Stewart . CNBC quickly dispatched Rick Santelli to Comedy Central's studio where he was able to "more of less" reassemble Cramer, although there is some question as to what brain Santelli used during the procedure.

Let's All Hug

NEW YORK - Radio host Rush Limbaugh today offered to meet with RNC chairman Michael Steele and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich to settle their public squabbles. "We can meet in my sauna. I'll accept their apologies mano-a-mano."

Stem the Tide

WASHINGTON -- President Obama urged researchers "to follow science, not ideology" prior to abolishing contentious Bush-era restraints on stem-cell research.

No Appeal

WASHINGTON -- Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has called for the summary execution of RNC chairman Michael Steele following Steele's critical remarks during an interview. Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) expressed shock and outrage at Limbaugh's "orders", before expressing regret that, "we'll just have to shoot Michael tomorrow." There is no word as to who will carry out the execution, but former Vice President Cheney has reportedly offered has services.

Calming the Markets

WASHINGTON -- Key Obama economic advisor reports, "things are going just fine."

Truth In Lending

NEW YORK – The government has announced that it plans to increase it's stake in Citigroup Inc. to approximately 40%. In keeping with President Obama's pledge of transparency in the financial bailout, the name will be changed to Shitigroup.