Sheen Parties With Gaddafi

TRIPOLI - Actor Charlie Sheen arrived in Libya today and announced plans to "party like it's the end of the world" with Libyan strongman Moammar Gaddafi. "The Moamster and I are definitely on the same wavelength, we march to a different drummer" explained the volatile actor, "When I heard about the bash he was throwing I told him I'd be at his side till the hookers and hash run out."

Both Gaddafi and Sheen have made impressive strides this week on various Celebrity Death Pools, prompting one Hollywood power broker to note, "Doesn't surprise me, I think this is going to be Charlie's year."

Limbaugh Attacks Michelle Obama

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh defended his attack on First Lady Michelle Obama's figure, saying "Her boobs are an international disgrace, tiniest ta-ta's in the free world. Luckily, I've got America covered. Get a load of these casabas." Railing against her drive to get americans to eat healthier, Limbaugh continued, "Michelle is anti Twinkie, anti pork rind, anti Slim Jim - it seems she's against all classic american cuisine." Limbaugh brushed off criticism of his remarks as insensitive and inappropriate, "when I'm right I'm right. She can't even tell you where Oxycontin belongs on the food pyramid."

Rothlisberger Honored

Ben Rothlisberger checks his notes as he prepares to accept the award for 'Mullet of the Year.' The controversial quarterback was chosen for the honor despite his recent troubles with the law. Contest organizer FLoyd Barber explained, "Rape allegations aren't exactly viewed as a negative in the mullet community."

Big Shoes

TOPEKA - Rumors are swirling that fired Kansas coach Mark Mangino may be heading to Notre Dame to replace the recently departed Charlie Weis. An un-named source at Notre Dame said, "It's a good fit. We are already set up for a morbidly obese coach; you know big sturdy furniture, over sized fridge, the whole works." Mangino did not comment on the Notre Dame situation directly but said, "if there's a program with big shoes to fill, I could definitely fill them, noooooo problem."

Freedom Crashers

WASHINGTON - News photos reveal that additional crashers may have breached security at the recent White House state dinner.

Fore

PALM BEACH - Police have determined that injuries sustained by Tiger Woods are consistent with being struck by a golf club. They plan to question a Judge Smails who played 18 holes at Bushwood Country Club with Woods earlier that day.

Belly Up

SOUTH BEND - Football fans everywhere lamented the firing of Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weiss amid concerns that the school might hire someone "good." Analysts however expect the school to follow recent trends and pick a coach that will not only disappoint alumni, but may bring down the wrath of God. Weis meanwhile did not stay unemployed for long, accepting the head coaching position at Hamburger U before the afternoon was out.

Trouble With Tiger

ATLANTA - Tiger Woods gets in a little practice while waiting for an ambulance after driving into a tree and fire hydrant hazard just outside his driveway.

Breast In Show

WASHINGTON - A U.S. government group's recommendation that women delay getting regular mammograms from 40 until age 50, has stirred controversy. The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) is releasing more detail in an attempt to lessen objections to the new guidelines. This clarification points out that mammography should not be completely abandoned for women in their 40's but may be largely replaced by a procedure currently in use called 'Cougar Screening'. In a Cougar Examination, women in their 40's recruit young men to thoroughly examine their breasts. Studies have shown that on average, young men do an painstaking job of examining breasts of older women, often studying areas that have been long neglected. The data shows that breasts are typically examined so thoroughly that it would almost be impossible to miss any abnormalities.

The USPSTF expects this new information will generate strong support for the new guidelines among women in their 40's and believe that younger men will enthusiastically take up the challenge.

The Son Also Rises

TOKYO - Conservative pundits are cheering President Obama's near beheading when he bowed deeply upon meeting Japanese Emperor Akihito, as per tradition. A Japanese government spokesman apologized for the sneak attack saying, "Sorry, force of habit."

Hard Road Ahead

NEW YORK - Researchers at NYU claim that they have been able to grow new penis cells (pictured here under high magnification) in the lab. While it's hoped that the cells can someday be implanted to restore sexual function, Dr. Andrew McCallough says, "These cells are unusually cranky and mean tempered. It will take much more testing to determine if they can be of any use to humans." Dr. McCallough feels that he should also be able to use these cells to clone sphincter cells saying, "they just have that look about them."

Extreme Makeover - Berlin Edition

BERLIN - On the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, a crack crew from ABC's renovation show 'Extreme Makeover' has rebuilt the hated symbol of communist tyranny overnight. 'We didn't recreate a section, we did the whole thing, guard towers, barbed wire, everything." said clearly proud crew leader Ty Pennington. "We don't just change lives, we recreate history." The crew however has been detained by German authorities who are reportedly "pissed as hell". The crew could be set free as early as tomorrow, but a government spokesman said "they'll have to make it through the mine field, avoid the crossfire, clear the concertina wire and get over the wall to leave the country."

Phillies Celebrate

NEW YORK - Philadelphia Phillies celebrate the end of the World Series saying, "It was really cold, the games went way too late & the Yankees pay A-Rod more than our entire team."

No Tricks, Just Treats

ISLAMABAD - Sources in Pakistan report that the Taliban is gearing up for Halloween, saying "They have their costumes ready and plan to be out from 6 to 9 PM in force." Taliban leaders have reportedly warned villagers to provide, "good treats, nothing fun-size."

Ailes Well

NEW YORK - As momentum builds concerning a possible presidential run by Roger Ailes, speculation rises that acting stints from early in his career could damage an Ailes campaign. His behind the scenes political and news careers are well documented back to the 80's when he helped Reagan and the first Bush gain the White House, followed by his stints at CNBC and Fox. Ailes role as the unpredictable Uncle Fester on the Addams Family is reportedly close to the man that employees of Fox News know. "He loves blowing things up and that light bulb thing - he really does that" said Sean Hannity. The impulsiveness and ability to defy common sense displayed by Fester should help him with conservative voters, said one Republican official. More troubling is Ailes' role as the sensitive, caring Charlie Brown. Polls show that conservatives consider Charlie Brown to be "a tree-hugging wimp not fit to be an American, let alone president". Analysts have dismissed Ailes short lived role as Curly Joe with the Three Stooges calling it a "sad, but harmless" chapter in his long career.

We're All Counting On You

DETROIT - The Northwest Airlines crew that overshot the Minneapolis airport by 180 miles maintains that they were merely distracted, but remained completely professional during the incident.

Belly Up

Steelers deliver victory. Vikings return home to regroup and shave their stomach

Reality Bites

FORT COLLINS, Colo. – Investigators in Colorado are speculating that the runaway balloon at the center of a publicity stunt gone awry may have taken off with Richard Heene's brain. Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden said, "From what we can determine, it appears that Mr. Heene does not have a brain in his head. We cannot at this time verify that he had any brains whatsoever before the balloon incident, but we do know that what is in Richard Heene's head is definitely not brains. It could be pudding, sand, poop, whatever. the fact remains that that man has no brains." Authorities do not plan to mount a search for the missing brain, Sheriff Alderden explained, "It would be like looking for Bigfoot; there just isn't a lot of evidence that the brain exists."

The Heene's stayed out of the media spotlight today, locked inside their house where they are reported working on an entirely new reality show proposal which they've titled: 'I'm In Deep Shit'.

Rush to Judgment

ST. LOUIS – Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from a group seeking to buy the St. Louis Rams for reportedly being, "too liberal." The group, led by St. Louis Blues chairman Dave Checkets, is in negotiations to replace Limbaugh with another well known arch conservative who also has access to vast family money: Osama Bin Laden. Bin Laden has reportedly shifted his focus to football after abandoning a bid to rescue the troubled WNBA once he determined "they can't play that game in burquas."

Swine and Dance

Bizarre symptoms emerge as swine flu spreads.