FOR SALE: Jeff Flake and Susan Collins Lawn Chairs

FOR SALE:  A matched set of Jeff Flake and Susan Collins lawn chairs. These chairs appear to be sturdy and reliable, but actually will lull you into a false sense of security that they can counted on to perform the basic task of supporting their constituents.  Unfortunately, these chairs have a history of folding under the tiniest amount of pressure. They are prone to collapse and will throw you to the ground - again and again and again.

If you think these Jeff Flake and Susan Collins lawn chairs are what you're looking for - no reasonable offer will be refused.

Trump Confessed to Collusion

WASHINGTON  President Donald Trump confessed to collusion with Russia to influence the outcome of the 2016 election via twitter last night saying his son Don Jr (aka Fredo) actually met with Russians to accept "dirt" on Hillary Clinton.  His tweet seems to implicate his son for high crimes, treason as well as first degree dumbshittery.  Trump's resignation is now expected "at any time", while the president and Don Jr are reportedly squabbling over who will bunk with Paul Manifort in prison.
Manifort is reportedly balking at that arrangement and is hoping to instead bunk with "people who read."

FBI Releases Photo of Russian Who Did Not Meet With Don Jr.

WASHINGTON   The FBI reportedly believes it has located a US based Russian agent who Donald Trump Jr. did not meet with. The agent, known only as Vlad (pictured at left at a 'Real Americans for Trump' rally) reportedly had several meetings scheduled, but all were cancelled. When questioned by the FBI, Vlad claimed "All his friends were meeting with 'Donny" but was evasive as to why he'd been shut out, "This is very complicated, a lot of in's, a lot of out's, a lot of what have you's." The FBI feels that there are not many other Russian agents out there who haven't met with Don Jr., but as one agent said, "It's certainly not suspicious, Donny's a people pleaser."

Summit-Up

WASHINGTON    Thrilled with what he sees as 'amazing press' following the Helsinki summit,  President Trump has reportedly asked aides to prepare a short list of leaders he can meet with. Summit requests from dictators are reportedly flooding in and White House advisor Steven Miller is reviewing the offers for 'whiteness."
     "The President was very disappointed to learn that Narnia was off the table," said one staffer. "Apparently Putin told him he had to meet the queen - 'she's so hot.'"

Helsink-hole

HELSINKI   Interpreters present at the Trump / Putin summit reported that after some initial tension the two leaders got along well once Trump finished polishing the Russian leader's shoes, ironing his shirt and cleaning up after his dog.  In return Putin presented Trump with a T-shirt that reads "Witch hunt." Both leaders agreed to meet again - but not collude - "right before the mid-terms."

Your Healthcare - Revealed

WASHINGTON  Republicans rolled out their Obamacare replacement to rave reviews from their own damn selves on Monday. GFYcare, as the program will be called, will provide tax credits to subsidize coverage for poor people - just not enough to actually pay for insurance. People with pre-existing conditions will get coverage - from unaffordable High Risk pools. "We've thought of everything," said Republican congressional spokesman Billy Vader, "but there's a lot we just didn't get around to putting in.  The important thing is, it won't be 'Obamacare', other than that, it really doesn't matter if it works."

Iranian Roulette

TEHRAN   The leaders of Iran were stunned to learn last week that one of the first actions secretly taken by the Trump administration was to put the Middle Eastern country on ‘Double Secret Probation” because, as as security advisor Dean Wormer noted, “We hate those guys.”  Iranian foreign secretary Ali Ali Allcomefree explained, “As soon as we found out, the Supreme Mystical Security Council was convened to address the issue. We all knew what had to be done, everybody shouted ‘Missile test!!!’ Then we threw our heads back and laughed.” 

The Iranians seemed unconcerned with the posturing by the Trump administration. “We’ll let them duke it out with the Australians for a while," said Allcomefree, “then we’ll come back with something even better. We’ve got some doozies planned." 

Trump Casts Out Satan

WASHINGTON   The nation was stunned today when President Trump failed to nominate Satan - The Destroyer of Worlds, for confirmation to the Supreme Court. All week it appeared The Prince of Darkness was the clear favorite. One staffer noted, “He’s been at the White House for days, showing up early, bringing donuts, sitting in on all the meetings - I thought it was a sure thing. He’s such a good fit. Beelzebub and Trump are really on the same page, they finish each other’s sentences."

Some pundits are sure Satan will find a role in the new administration while others are less certain. “How much unbridled evil do they really need?” asked noted political analyist Snoops McGyver, “He’s already got Gingrich, Bannon, Guliani… that’s an excellent triumvirate of dead eyed, soulless horror right there. Why would they want to mess with that balance." 

Trump Goes 'Bananas'

NEW YORK  Sources report that famed director Woody Allen is seriously considering suing President Trump for plagiarism over copying "almost work for word" the plot of Allen's 1971 film 'Bananas.' The movie is about a bumbling New Yorker who, through a series of implausible events, ends up being the dictator of a country. He quickly proves to be out of his depth and issues increasingly ridiculous policy proclamations. "It's the same story," said a movie veteran, "exactly, totally the same story. Even a game show host can see this is plagiarism."

Regulation Roulette!!!

WASHINGTON   President Trump today announced his comprehensive plan to reduce what he sees as oppressive industry regulations. The plan will roll out with ’Two for Tuesdays’ where two regulations must be eliminated for each one approved. “For example,” explained one staffer, “We can roll back levels of mercury and lead in industrial waste output near schools while increasing the threshold for unicorn fairy sprinkles. Look this is not random, we know what we’re doing.” Other parts of the plan include ‘Whacky Wednesdays’ where only regulations dealing with worker safety can be repealed and ‘Freaky Friday’ where Rudy Giuliani will spin a large wheel to determine just how many regulations will be repealed. “It’s really the only thing we’re going to let him do," said the staffer, “We see this as a successful approach moving forward - so buckle up."

Trump's Crowd Envy

WASHINGTON   President Trump wasted no time on his first full day in office, postponing policy moves and battling with the press about the size of his inauguration crowd.  Ignoring, satellite images, eyewitness accounts and the obvious, Trump claimed, "Just like my hands, the crowd was yuge, yuge, biggest in history." 

The president also claimed that the massive Women's March crowd was actually there to support him.  "It happens when you're a celebrity," Trump explained, "women just throw themselves at you. And all of them coming to town to support me - it was so hot."

Trump Tide

WASHINGTON  Sewage systems across the country were overwhelmed today shortly after noon eastern time. "It appears that a vast majority of America took a collective 'nervous dump' moments after Trump's swearing in." said New York sanitation commissioner Floaters O'Bobbin. Reports from around the country quickly confirmed that a massive nationwide tsunami of sewage immediately followed the inauguration. Dubbed the "Trump Tide" by sewage professionals, there have been estimates that it could take up to four years to subside.

Stocks of toilet paper producers rose sharply on the news.

Ringling Transitions

WASHINGTON   Following the announcement that Ringling Brothers Barnum and Bailey Circus will be closing after 146 years, uncertainty swirls around the future of most employees and animals. One group however sees the closure as a new opportunity: clowns. Bobo, Wiggles and Sputters are just three of the clowns who have received inquiries from the incoming Trump administration.  Bobo explained, "They've got lots of positions to fill and of course lots of clowns have been brought in. One official told me that almost any clown will be able to find a position in the Trump administration."
      While they haven't been contacted, the cleanup crew known informally as "The Poop Squad" are hoping to be approached by the incoming administration. Long time employee Shovels McBean said, "You read the news, you know they're going to need us."

Revealed: Ben Carson is a Cat

I don't even have a joke for this. Doesn't this cat look exactly like Ben Carson? But livelier?

Republicans Drop Elephant

WASHINGTON    In a historic move, the Republican congressional caucus has changed their mascot from the venerable elephant to Toonces the Driving Cat. Toonces is a recurring SNL character who always claimed to have good intentions but invariably ended up driving his car off a cliff.  Leadership aide Biff Wheedle explained, "It's just part of increased transparency by our members. And it makes perfect sense; in 2008 we drove the economy off a cliff.  We're starting 2017 by driving the nation's healthcare off a cliff. We think we can fit women's rights, gay rights and minority rights in one backseat and turn Toonces loose before spring.  Not to sound cocky, but we are pretty confident we can get government finances in there and then in pretty short order, coax the economy back into the car with Toonces."

Trump's Secret Service Code Name

WASHINGTON    Sources reveal that the Secret Service code name used for Donald Trump is ‘Golden Showers.’  The name is unverified, however one agent speaking off the record, said, “It’s perfect for Trump. He’s got those long flowing golden locks that shower down around his face. What else could it possibly mean.” 

Trump to Take 'Thank You Tour' to Moscow

NEW YORK  According to chief of staff Rience Priebus, President Elect Donald Trump (shown at left, reviewing Russian hacking report) "now believes what everyone else does." That is that the Russian government interfered with the US presidential election to aid Trump.

Trump says his response will be "swift and appropriate" in that he plans to immediately take his 'Thank You Tour' on the road to Moscow. Trump was quoted as saying, "We'll have a huge rally, huge rally. And I don't know if Putin will attend but if he does, I hope he'll be my best friend."

Trump Unveils Putin Tattoo

MAR-A-LAGO   Doubling down on his odd fan-boy love of Russian President Vladimir Putin, President-elect Trump unveiled his new Putin portrait tattoo on his right bicep. Asked if he had any other tattoos, Trump revealed that he has a portrait of himself tattooed on his left bicep, his inner thigh, his back, his ankle......

Cubs-Jesus-Holy Cow

CHICAGO   A flood warning was issued for Chicago’s north side last night shortly after the Cubs clinched their first World Series title in 108 years.  Thousands of Cub fans crying tears of joy overwhelmed sewers, flooded streets and the volume of tears actually reversed the flow of the Chicago River. Police Capital Paddy O’Doyle spoke through his own tears, “We thought we’d be dealing with a lot of happy drunk people, maybe a couch fire, but this is completely unexpected.” The flood of tears subsided before dawn then picked up again when highlights started airing on Sports Center this morning. Captain O’Doyle reported that overnight, “crime all but evaporated, potholes were filled with gold, the blind could see and the lame could walk.”  In a surprise move Pope Francis attributed these miracles to comedian Bill Murray and has canonized him, saying “You take 'The Razor’s Edge’ out of the equation and Bill’s whole life is a miracle, I’m a little embarrassed we haven’t done this sooner." 

Clinton - America's Most Wanted

WASHINGTON   FBI Director James Comey has added Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton to the agency’s famed ’10 Most Wanted’ list. “It’s just a precautionary move,” Said Comey, “The wanted posters were actually printed several weeks ago - just in case. But, we believe she’s armed and dangerous and if her poll numbers hold our agents will act accordingly.” The Clinton campaign has yet to address this stunning, extrajudicial move, but a spokesman did say, “At least we’re number 1.”