The Sheen's Speech

HOLLYWOOD - Actor Charlie Sheen today delivered an impassioned speech denouncing ABC, CBS, AA, the NBA, NORAD and "anything with letters", following what he perceived as his Oscar snub. While he appeared in no movies in the past year, Sheen says his antics of the past year, "would make an incredible screenplay." "They do that Special Category shit all the time, who's more deserving than me?" Currently absent from TV as production of 'Two and a Half Men' has been halted to allow Sheen to gas noxiously about the media universe, Sheen feels the hiatus will be short lived saying, "I'm sure I'll be featured on an episode of South Park very soon."

Sheen Parties With Gaddafi

TRIPOLI - Actor Charlie Sheen arrived in Libya today and announced plans to "party like it's the end of the world" with Libyan strongman Moammar Gaddafi. "The Moamster and I are definitely on the same wavelength, we march to a different drummer" explained the volatile actor, "When I heard about the bash he was throwing I told him I'd be at his side till the hookers and hash run out."

Both Gaddafi and Sheen have made impressive strides this week on various Celebrity Death Pools, prompting one Hollywood power broker to note, "Doesn't surprise me, I think this is going to be Charlie's year."

Limbaugh Attacks Michelle Obama

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh defended his attack on First Lady Michelle Obama's figure, saying "Her boobs are an international disgrace, tiniest ta-ta's in the free world. Luckily, I've got America covered. Get a load of these casabas." Railing against her drive to get americans to eat healthier, Limbaugh continued, "Michelle is anti Twinkie, anti pork rind, anti Slim Jim - it seems she's against all classic american cuisine." Limbaugh brushed off criticism of his remarks as insensitive and inappropriate, "when I'm right I'm right. She can't even tell you where Oxycontin belongs on the food pyramid."