LONDON - Comedians worldwide reacted with shock and horror to the news that Rep. Anthony Weiner had resigned. "It's as though millions of jokes were snuffed out before they even had a chance," noted a shaken Arlene Frisbane, moments before taking the stage at the Funny Bone in Pittsburgh. "Thank God we still have Joe Biden and Newt Gingrich." The comedy world will have to adjust to the loss of a punchline-rich motherlode, the likes of which hadn't been seen since Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face over 4 years ago. "Can we go on without Weiner jokes?" asked one comedian, "Absolutely. But you'll hear the sadness in our voices each time we pass one up."
NEW YORK - Actress Betty White confirmed that Congressman Anthony Weiner emailed her pictures of himself wearing nothing but Depends adult diapers. White said Weiner sent the picture during an email exchange concerning senior healthcare. , "Out of the blue he sends me the picture, then asks me if I ever used a walker naked."
NEW HAMPSHIRE - Supporters of congresswoman Michelle Bachman erupt with joy at the official announcement of her presidential campaign. Bachman appears to have narrowly edged out Rick Santorum for support among the Clinically Insane, a key Republican demographic, while both candidates have been strongly encouraged to run by comedians.
ATLANTA - The entire top level of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff (left) prepares to submit their formal resignations from his campaign yesterday. Campaign manager Skip Nickels cited "concerns over the direction of the campaign" as the reason for the resignations, saying, "Death spiral is a bad direction in just about any circumstance." A feisty Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign saying, "Reality never stopped me before."
WASHINGTON - Haines has reportedly inked a lucrative endorsement / modeling deal with Rep Anthony Weiner (D-NY) to promote their new 'CareerWrecker' line of boxer briefs. Available in "a rainbow of photogenic, social-media friendly colors", Haines hopes the product will stand out on your computer as well as national news programs. Weiner initially denied involvement with the product rollout, then reversed his position, admitting, "CareerWrecker seems like a perfect fit for me at this time."
WASHINGTON - Rep Anthony Weiner (D-NY) delivers a dissertation on the topic of 'Irony' to media assembled at the Capital on Monday.
