Clinton - America's Most Wanted

WASHINGTON   FBI Director James Comey has added Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton to the agency’s famed ’10 Most Wanted’ list. “It’s just a precautionary move,” Said Comey, “The wanted posters were actually printed several weeks ago - just in case. But, we believe she’s armed and dangerous and if her poll numbers hold our agents will act accordingly.” The Clinton campaign has yet to address this stunning, extrajudicial move, but a spokesman did say, “At least we’re number 1.” 

Comey Comes Clean

WASHINGTON  FBI Director James Comey explained his rational for announcing that the agency was re-opening it's investigation  of Hillary Clinton's emails less than 2 weeks before the presidential election. "When additional emails that may be relevant showed up on a computer used by disgrace generation system  and former congressman Anthony Weiner, we thought it was important enough to drop it into the closing days of the presidential campaign. I have a duty to perform and besides, this election isn't going to rig itself.
Trump 2016!!!"

Weiner Probe Exposes Emails

Jury OJ's Bundy Brothers

PORTLAND  Jurors deliberate the fate of the Bundy brothers (left). Federal prosecutors have expressed some concerns about the jury’s ability to grasp the complex case, but feel confident that "virtually anyone with a sliver of common sense" would see that the Bundy’s takeover of a federal wildlife refuge was a crime. The Bundy’s attorney, Colt Buckshot, had a different take, “The Bundy’s are patriots and I’m betting the jury is made up of patriots, so I’ve got enough mason jars in the trunk of my car for my clients and the jury once the verdict’s in. 

Cubs Even Series

Taco Trump

WASHINGTON  Stung by criticism over his decision to take a valuable day off during the campaign homestretch to open his new hotel, Donald Trump signaled that he is not about to change strategy. "I will be in Akron tomorrow, in the crucial state of Ohio - the great state of Ohio, to open my new Taco Bell, the greatest Taco Bell in history." When it was pointed out that this was not actually campaigning, Trump disagreed. "This is hispanic outreach. We've got a special menu item that will be free to all my hispanic friends at the opening, it's a pure beef taco, with melty cheese and special sauce - it's called The Rapist."

Biden vs Trump - Fight Date Set

WASHINGTON   It's on. "The Rumble", "The Thrilla', 'The Oh Please Would You Two Just Shut Up': fight of the septuagenarians, Biden vs Trump. 'Behind the Gym' was booked, so the fight is scheduled for the recently shuttered Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.  And... on the undercard, in a mixed weight class bout, Megyn Kelly vs Newt Gingrich.
   The bout is tentatively scheduled for late November pending Kelly's schedule, "because by that point she's the only one who will be doing anything."

Dylan - Nobel - Resolved

NARNIA   Music icon Bob Dylan has belatedly responded to being awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature by writing a song that captures his feelings on receiving the iconic honor.  The ballad, called, 'I Don't Give a Flying Fuck' does not have a firm release date. A spokesman for Dylan said, "Bob will release the song when the muse strikes him, when the song fits perfectly in time, when the world has proven it's worthy...."  Journalists, then left en masse before the spokesman finished. A record company exec spoke off the record, "It's a really good Dylan tune, catchy, touching and about 27% intelligible."

First 100 Days

NEW YorkDonald Trump today outlined his plans for the first 100 days of his administration. He also acknowledged that he has plans for the 100 days following the election if he should lose. "I will be very busy, very busy - there's a very long list of women to sue and charity dinners to ruin.

Blutarski Backs Trump

LAS VEGAS  A campaign staffer credited former senator Bluto Blutarski as the inspiration for Donald Trump's stance on final election results. "Like Donald, Bluto's greatest asset is his tempermant. He is the embodiment of the Trump campaign." Blutarski has said that while there may not be a decision on the outcome on election night, there will damn well be a toga party.

Trump Lights It Up

LAS VEGAS  Trump on his performance in the third presidential debate, "It was flawless, I think it went very well."

Melania's World

NEW YORK   Melania Trump explained The Truth in regard to her husband's behavior to Anderson Cooper and the nation.
To recap:
- All of the women accusing Donald of a variety of sexual assaults are lying.
- All of the women accusing Bill Clinton of a variety of sexual assaults are telling the truth.
- Melania is proud of her nude and topless work in the 80's.
- Bill Clinton's past is fair game because "they started it" when republican primary opponents and the New York Post published the nude/topless photos - that Melanoma states she is proud of.
- Billy Bush is a ventriloquist, hypnotist or something along those lines.

Glad it's all straightened out.

Hey, Hey, Hey

NEW YORK   Embattled comedian Bill Cosby stopped short of endorsing Donald Trump, but said, "I've been searching for a candidate who's never assaulted women but has described it in detail.  Who then was accused of doing exactly what he described over and over and over again by women who clearly must be lying. That really resonates with me for some reason." 
Cosby was also impressed by Trump's women-first advisors - Bannon, Guliani, Gingrich, Ailes - who would never dream of abusing, assaulting, cheating on women or divorcing their wives when they have cancer.