Transition 2

WASHINGTON -- After "substantive meetings and some Guitar Hero" at the White House today with President Bush, President elect Obama said, "I now have a much better understanding of why things are so fucked up."

Transition 1

President elect Barak Obama met with President Bush for the first time today. Much of Washington was destroyed.

Ho Down

NEW YORK – Federal prosecutors said Thursday that they will not bring criminal charges against former New York governor Eliot Spitzer for his role in a prostitution scandal. A relieved Spitzer said, "This certainly is good news, for me - and of course for the ladies. Client 9 is back in business baby." Spitzer's wife Silda has reportedly asked prosecutors to reconsider their decision.

Cabinet Maker

CHICAGO - President elect Barak Obama is wasting no time filling key administration positions, naming Illinois Rep. Rahm Emanuel as White House chief of staff and rapper Snoop Dogg as Secretary of Spleef.

Fight Club

BUSHWOOD -- Country clubs across the country are expecting the worst as conservative whites come to grips with their candidate's loss in the presidential election. Clubs feel it could be worse than the 'Green Jacket' riots of 2005 that left Men's Grills across the country in ashes following Tiger Woods victory in The Masters. One club pro said, "You've got a cranky white guy, a rich white guy, that they feel should continue the unbroken string of cranky, rich, white presidents that stretches back to our nation's founding." Angry club members threw drinks across verandas and punched holes in walls with long irons as the returns came in. Caddies and kitchen staff kept a low profile, fearful that outraged members could turn into a designer-clad mob at any moment.

Public courses across the country have stockpiled brie, scotch and imported beer and are prepared to accept refugees from private clubs.

Bowl Eligible

The Electoral College has convened and is prepared to bring a steady hand to Tuesday's election.

Voter Drive

With time fast running out, Republicans are "pulling out all the stops" to motivate reluctant voters to get to the polls.

Race Tightens

With just days to go, polls show the presidential race is tightening.

Obamercial

Barak Obama will explain his plan to rescue the economy with three easy payments of $13.33 plus shipping and handling in a pre-paid address tonight on 4 major TV networks.

Legal Precedent

WASHINGTON -- Clearly devastated by the first loss of his distinguished career, attorney Perry Mason accompanies a grim Alaska Senator Ted Stevens following the guilty verdict in his corruption trial.

Greenspannng the Globe

WASHINGTON -- Testifying before congress Thursday, former Fed chairman Alan Greenspan did not accept blame for the current economic crisis but did say, "My bad."

Bold Moves

WASHINGTON -- President Bush urges banks to incerase the pace at which they are loosening credit "or I will kill the kitty."

Open Season

John McCain and Barak Obama find little common ground in their contentious third presidential debate.

Treasury Scores Big

WASHINGTON -- Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson looks on as the government's plan to intervene directly in the nation's banking system gets underway.

Apology Accepted

Sarah Palin demands an apology from the head of the investigation that concluded she abused her power as governor of Alaska

Keating 5

SEDONA -- John McCain opens up about his days with the Keating 5, " I don't know why it was such a big deal, we were just a bunch of kids with a dream. But let me tell you one thing my friends, we were real toe tappers."

That Sinking Feeling

NEW YORK -- Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Fed chairman Ben Bernanke admit that following Wednesday's Fed rate cut, they no longer have enough lifeboats to rescue the economy. However both say they can accommodate all the bankers in first class.

Change of Venue

LOS ANGELES -- OJ Simpson says that having completed his search of every golf course in the country, he should now have better luck finding "the real killers" working from the inside of the federal prison system.

Palinocchio

DENVER -- Republican Sarah Palin repeats her claim that Barak Obama is "palling around with terrorists who hate America even more than he does" at a campaign stop in Colorado. The McCain campaign defended the claim saying, "We have all the facts on our website, just click the 'hey look what we just made up' link."

Foreign Policy for $100

ST LOUIS -- The McCain campaign reveals the prep format used by Sarah Palin for the Vice Presidential debate.