Revealed: Ben Carson is a Cat

I don't even have a joke for this. Doesn't this cat look exactly like Ben Carson? But livelier?

Republicans Drop Elephant

WASHINGTON    In a historic move, the Republican congressional caucus has changed their mascot from the venerable elephant to Toonces the Driving Cat. Toonces is a recurring SNL character who always claimed to have good intentions but invariably ended up driving his car off a cliff.  Leadership aide Biff Wheedle explained, "It's just part of increased transparency by our members. And it makes perfect sense; in 2008 we drove the economy off a cliff.  We're starting 2017 by driving the nation's healthcare off a cliff. We think we can fit women's rights, gay rights and minority rights in one backseat and turn Toonces loose before spring.  Not to sound cocky, but we are pretty confident we can get government finances in there and then in pretty short order, coax the economy back into the car with Toonces."

Trump's Secret Service Code Name

WASHINGTON    Sources reveal that the Secret Service code name used for Donald Trump is ‘Golden Showers.’  The name is unverified, however one agent speaking off the record, said, “It’s perfect for Trump. He’s got those long flowing golden locks that shower down around his face. What else could it possibly mean.” 

Trump to Take 'Thank You Tour' to Moscow

NEW YORK  According to chief of staff Rience Priebus, President Elect Donald Trump (shown at left, reviewing Russian hacking report) "now believes what everyone else does." That is that the Russian government interfered with the US presidential election to aid Trump.

Trump says his response will be "swift and appropriate" in that he plans to immediately take his 'Thank You Tour' on the road to Moscow. Trump was quoted as saying, "We'll have a huge rally, huge rally. And I don't know if Putin will attend but if he does, I hope he'll be my best friend."

Trump Unveils Putin Tattoo

MAR-A-LAGO   Doubling down on his odd fan-boy love of Russian President Vladimir Putin, President-elect Trump unveiled his new Putin portrait tattoo on his right bicep. Asked if he had any other tattoos, Trump revealed that he has a portrait of himself tattooed on his left bicep, his inner thigh, his back, his ankle......

Cubs-Jesus-Holy Cow

CHICAGO   A flood warning was issued for Chicago’s north side last night shortly after the Cubs clinched their first World Series title in 108 years.  Thousands of Cub fans crying tears of joy overwhelmed sewers, flooded streets and the volume of tears actually reversed the flow of the Chicago River. Police Capital Paddy O’Doyle spoke through his own tears, “We thought we’d be dealing with a lot of happy drunk people, maybe a couch fire, but this is completely unexpected.” The flood of tears subsided before dawn then picked up again when highlights started airing on Sports Center this morning. Captain O’Doyle reported that overnight, “crime all but evaporated, potholes were filled with gold, the blind could see and the lame could walk.”  In a surprise move Pope Francis attributed these miracles to comedian Bill Murray and has canonized him, saying “You take 'The Razor’s Edge’ out of the equation and Bill’s whole life is a miracle, I’m a little embarrassed we haven’t done this sooner." 

Clinton - America's Most Wanted

WASHINGTON   FBI Director James Comey has added Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton to the agency’s famed ’10 Most Wanted’ list. “It’s just a precautionary move,” Said Comey, “The wanted posters were actually printed several weeks ago - just in case. But, we believe she’s armed and dangerous and if her poll numbers hold our agents will act accordingly.” The Clinton campaign has yet to address this stunning, extrajudicial move, but a spokesman did say, “At least we’re number 1.” 

Comey Comes Clean

WASHINGTON  FBI Director James Comey explained his rational for announcing that the agency was re-opening it's investigation  of Hillary Clinton's emails less than 2 weeks before the presidential election. "When additional emails that may be relevant showed up on a computer used by disgrace generation system  and former congressman Anthony Weiner, we thought it was important enough to drop it into the closing days of the presidential campaign. I have a duty to perform and besides, this election isn't going to rig itself.
Trump 2016!!!"

Weiner Probe Exposes Emails

Jury OJ's Bundy Brothers

PORTLAND  Jurors deliberate the fate of the Bundy brothers (left). Federal prosecutors have expressed some concerns about the jury’s ability to grasp the complex case, but feel confident that "virtually anyone with a sliver of common sense" would see that the Bundy’s takeover of a federal wildlife refuge was a crime. The Bundy’s attorney, Colt Buckshot, had a different take, “The Bundy’s are patriots and I’m betting the jury is made up of patriots, so I’ve got enough mason jars in the trunk of my car for my clients and the jury once the verdict’s in. 

Cubs Even Series

Taco Trump

WASHINGTON  Stung by criticism over his decision to take a valuable day off during the campaign homestretch to open his new hotel, Donald Trump signaled that he is not about to change strategy. "I will be in Akron tomorrow, in the crucial state of Ohio - the great state of Ohio, to open my new Taco Bell, the greatest Taco Bell in history." When it was pointed out that this was not actually campaigning, Trump disagreed. "This is hispanic outreach. We've got a special menu item that will be free to all my hispanic friends at the opening, it's a pure beef taco, with melty cheese and special sauce - it's called The Rapist."

Biden vs Trump - Fight Date Set

WASHINGTON   It's on. "The Rumble", "The Thrilla', 'The Oh Please Would You Two Just Shut Up': fight of the septuagenarians, Biden vs Trump. 'Behind the Gym' was booked, so the fight is scheduled for the recently shuttered Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.  And... on the undercard, in a mixed weight class bout, Megyn Kelly vs Newt Gingrich.
   The bout is tentatively scheduled for late November pending Kelly's schedule, "because by that point she's the only one who will be doing anything."

Dylan - Nobel - Resolved

NARNIA   Music icon Bob Dylan has belatedly responded to being awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature by writing a song that captures his feelings on receiving the iconic honor.  The ballad, called, 'I Don't Give a Flying Fuck' does not have a firm release date. A spokesman for Dylan said, "Bob will release the song when the muse strikes him, when the song fits perfectly in time, when the world has proven it's worthy...."  Journalists, then left en masse before the spokesman finished. A record company exec spoke off the record, "It's a really good Dylan tune, catchy, touching and about 27% intelligible."

First 100 Days

NEW YorkDonald Trump today outlined his plans for the first 100 days of his administration. He also acknowledged that he has plans for the 100 days following the election if he should lose. "I will be very busy, very busy - there's a very long list of women to sue and charity dinners to ruin.

Blutarski Backs Trump

LAS VEGAS  A campaign staffer credited former senator Bluto Blutarski as the inspiration for Donald Trump's stance on final election results. "Like Donald, Bluto's greatest asset is his tempermant. He is the embodiment of the Trump campaign." Blutarski has said that while there may not be a decision on the outcome on election night, there will damn well be a toga party.

Trump Lights It Up

LAS VEGAS  Trump on his performance in the third presidential debate, "It was flawless, I think it went very well."

Melania's World

NEW YORK   Melania Trump explained The Truth in regard to her husband's behavior to Anderson Cooper and the nation.
To recap:
- All of the women accusing Donald of a variety of sexual assaults are lying.
- All of the women accusing Bill Clinton of a variety of sexual assaults are telling the truth.
- Melania is proud of her nude and topless work in the 80's.
- Bill Clinton's past is fair game because "they started it" when republican primary opponents and the New York Post published the nude/topless photos - that Melanoma states she is proud of.
- Billy Bush is a ventriloquist, hypnotist or something along those lines.

Glad it's all straightened out.

Hey, Hey, Hey

NEW YORK   Embattled comedian Bill Cosby stopped short of endorsing Donald Trump, but said, "I've been searching for a candidate who's never assaulted women but has described it in detail.  Who then was accused of doing exactly what he described over and over and over again by women who clearly must be lying. That really resonates with me for some reason." 
Cosby was also impressed by Trump's women-first advisors - Bannon, Guliani, Gingrich, Ailes - who would never dream of abusing, assaulting, cheating on women or divorcing their wives when they have cancer.      

Constitution, Baby

CHICAGO   Large numbers of crying babies waving pocket constitutions are showing up at Donald Trump rallies across the country. In order to handle the disruption, campaign staff has started setting up giant ball pits to hurl the babies into.  When questioned about the practice, a security official would only say, "Donald Trump loves babies." A staffer added, "and babies love ball pits," then both walked away.

Noted child psychologist Milo Rash proposed a theory as to why so many babies cry at Trump rallies, "Babies hate clowns."