Skin Deep

WASHINGTON -- John McCain's campaign is reporting that there is "absolutely nothing to be concerned about" following a biopsy of "a small area" on the senator's cheek. Doctors at the Mayo Clinic said that tests showed no cancer and noted that the candidate's skin appears just as young as, "a 46 year old black guy."

Signs of Inflation

WASHINGTON -- Economists are reporting signs of inflation on at least two fronts with both commodity prices and foreign exchange rates threatening to break free of fiscal restraints. President Bush & Fed Chairman Bernake are reportedly squabbling over who would be best suited to grapple with these massive issues. The administration believes that with careful handling of these weighty matters, "we just might get lucky."

First Pitt - Jolie Twin Photos

Pulitzer Quality has obtained the first picture of the Pitt - Jolie twins: a boy named Knox Leon and girl, Vivienne Marcheline. Asked about the unusual names a spokesman said, "Unusual? For a while they were considering naming them Tide and Cheer, now that's unusual."

Fannie & Freddie Saved!

WASHINGTON -- Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac (pictured above) express relief following their rescue by the Treasury Department. Signs of trouble had been building for months as fiscal watchdog Lassie ran between Fed chairman Ben Bernanke and President Bush, barking frantically. Both men repeated "checked the well" and reported with growing frustration that "`Timmy's not in there." Over the weekend Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson overheard Lassie while visiting the Fed, stopped Bernanke on his way to the well and exclaimed, "It's Fannie and Freddie, they're in trouble, we've got to rescue them." Paulson quickly cobbled together a rescue package and was able to save the plucky duo, although he was later forced to return to the Fed and pull Bernanke out of the well.

"Freddy & Fanny are in no danger and the economy is saved", said a relieved President Bush "And I must say, if it weren't for Lassie our entire economic system, and perhaps civilization as we know it, might have collapsed. That's why dogs are better than cats - heh, heh."

Forecast: No More Snow

Former presidential spokesman Tony Snow has died at 53. Vice President Cheney's office issued a statement of sympathy to Snow's family saying, "The White House will miss Tony's candor and humor and sorry - I thought it was Scott McClelland."

Bush Explains

TOKYO -- Aides rush to assist President Bush as he explains his decision to participate in the opening ceremonies at the Beijing Olympic Games and his plans to remove North Korea from the State Sponsor of Terror list.

Helms Dies

Former Senator Jesse Helms has died at 86.

Vets Dig In

LOS ANGELES -- Viet Nam vets are responding to comments by Democrats that John McCain's service record does not qualify him to be president. Fellow veteran Captain M.T. Koons related how McCain kept a fellow prisoner's heirloom gold watch secure "in his ass for five years" while both were POWs at the Hanoi Hilton. Koons noted "That uncomfortable hunk of metal is more valuable than anything George Bush has pulled out of his ass in since he's been president."

Close Call

UNITY, N.H. - Barak Obama narrowly escaped an assassination attempt today at a New Hampshire campaign stop. Police declined to release the name of the knife wielding woman who screamed "Remember Bobby Kennedy" before turning on the Senator. Authorities are also looking for a tall, white haired man who appeared to supply the knife and was reportedly encouraging the woman in a very agitated manner. An Obama spokesman said that the senator was unhurt and was "not surprised" by the attack.

Axis of Crazytown

WASHINGTON - In a stunning policy reversal, President Bush lifted trade sanctions against North Korea, removed it from the U.S. state sponsor of terrorism blacklist, and most importantly, taken it off the administration's "axis of evil" and placed it on the newly formed "axis of just really fucked up" along with Zimbabwe and Iowa. "North Korea's come along way", explained President Bush, "Sure they've got nuclear weapons and are still starving most of their people, but they're tryin' hard. I believe that the North Koreans are a tiny, little peaceful people. Heck most of 'em barely reach my waist, how bad can they be." Asked why Iowa was included, Bush replied, " I was just in Iowa and believe me, it's really fucked up."

Feeling Lucky, Citizens?

WASHINGTON - Citizens of Washington DC take to the streets to celebrate the Supreme Court ruling Thursday that Americans have a right to own guns for self-defense.

Endless Summer

CEDAR RAPIDS -- President Bush visited flood ravaged areas of Iowa today and after catching wave after powerful wave from breached levies, declared the entire state "a federal recreation area." The president said, "Iowans should be proud. This is some great surfing. It's awesome."

Say It Loud

Al Gore endorses Barak Obama but notes that the fact that he's black is, "an inconvenient truth", at least in Kentucky and West Virginia.

Russert's New Beat

HEAVEN -- Not one to let death keep him down, NBC reporter Tim Russert filed his first dispatch from heaven today. Russert continued the insightful political observation that made him a respected journalist when he was alive, noting that "everyone here hates Nixon" and that former President James Buchanan, "is delighted that President Bush has replaced him as the worst president in the nation's history." Not surprisingly, Russert reported that Bobby Kennedy "is pretty pissed at Hillary Clinton."

Picasso's Stolen

SAO PAULO, Brazil - Three armed robbers stole two Pablo Picasso prints from the Pinacoteca do Estado museum in downtown Sao Paulo on Thursday. Police have released this photo of one of the suspects.

And the Winner Is

ST PAUL -- Senator Hillary appears to be unable to hear Barak Obama explain to her that their battle is over. Obama attempted to put it into terms that Clinton would understand, saying, "It's done, game over, I win, you lose. Bye-bye. Go home." Clinton countered by presenting a baby with what she called, "a miraculous birthmark", citing it as divine evidence that she will eventually become the democratic nominee.

Cheney Makes Friends

WASHINGTON -- Vice President Dick Cheney has apologized through his spokeswoman for stereotyping West Virginians as being prone to incest during a speech at the National Press Club on Monday. Cheney spokeswoman Lea Anne McBride said, "The Vice President offers his heartfelt apology to the people of West Virginia for his inappropriate remark, especially those West Virginians with a full set of teeth."

Sex and the City - Pittsburgh

Carrie, Miranda, Charlotte and Samantha (Sarah Jessica Porker, Cynthia Nixton, Krispy Davis and Kim Cattel, respectively) star in "Sex and the City - Pittsburgh"

PITTSBURGH -- "Sex and the City - Pittsburgh", the box office blockbuster detailing the trials and love interests of four 'Burgh gals, appears to be a hit with local women. Pittsburgh women can easily identify with the depiction trolling the South Side in a search for men without mullets or unfortunate tattoos. But the scene where Samantha realizes that she's dating a Ben Rothlisberger impersonator, appears to really hit home. Francine Kowalski from Beltzhoover said, "I mean really, what woman in this town hasn't gone home with Ben Rothlisberger and woken up with Stan from PayLess. It gave me chills."

Full Court Press

WASHINGTON -- Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan claims he was a pawn in the Bush administration's various misinformation campaigns which led to a bungled war, botched domestic policies, a stumbling economy, Dancing With the Stars and the continued popularity of rap. "This administration has irreparably harmed the country" said McClellan, "have you seen Dancing With the Stars?"

Zoo Robbery

Police have released this photo of the suspect in an armed
robbery at the Pittsburgh Zoo that netted $30,000 Saturday.