Full Court Press

WASHINGTON -- Former White House Press Secretary Scott McClellan claims he was a pawn in the Bush administration's various misinformation campaigns which led to a bungled war, botched domestic policies, a stumbling economy, Dancing With the Stars and the continued popularity of rap. "This administration has irreparably harmed the country" said McClellan, "have you seen Dancing With the Stars?"

Zoo Robbery

Police have released this photo of the suspect in an armed
robbery at the Pittsburgh Zoo that netted $30,000 Saturday.

Terms of Endearment

WASHINGTON -- Hillary Clinton has told the Democratic party that she will agree to end her seemingly doomed campaign for the nomination, "If I can be president." While admitting that Barak Obama is the likely nominee, Clinton made her case for skipping the traditional electoral process and "giving me what is rightly mine" saying "I've won all the states that begin with vowels, more people have voted for me than there are people on the planet and I'm not going to let that black guy beat me. So c'mon, I've already got my dress picked out, just do the damn inauguration."

Golf War

WASHINGTON -- Apparently baffled by the angry response from US war veterans to his declaration that he gave up golf out of solidarity with those who made the ultimate sacrifice in Iraq, President Bush granted a follow-up interview with Politico.com, explaining, "Look, our troops are fighting in the Persian Golf, I felt that my giving up golf would have held great symbolism with our fighting men and women." When the interviewer pointed out that the troops are actually in the "Persian Gulf", the president bristled and said, "Look, I know my middle eastern genealogy. The only gulf over there is Gulf Oil and I know for a fact that there are no US troops at the Gulf station. Fool me once, shame on — shame on you. Fool me — you can't get fooled again."

Bush Makes Ultimate Sacrifice

WASHINGTON -- President Bush declared in an interview that he quit masturbating in 2003 out of respect for the families of Americans killed in the war in Iraq. "I don't want some mom whose son may have recently died to know the Commander-in-Chief could be spanking the monkey in the Lincoln bedroom" Bush said Tuesday. "I feel I owe it to the families to be as -- to be in solidarity as best as I can with them. And I think waxing the weasel during a war just sends the wrong signal." He also noted that vice President Cheney recently gave up shooting people in the face as a means to boost troop morale.

Penguins are Hot

The Penguins Sidney Crosby torches the Flyers Joffrey Lupul during the first period of Game 3 in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Shotgun Wedding

President Bush, daughter Jenna and the leader of the president's hand picked security team during photos at Jenna Bush's wedding. following the ceremony the president praised the special detail saying, "heck of a job Barney."

Carolina Dreamin'

RALEIGH -- North Carolina rednecks show their enthusiasm for Barak Obama as he buys a round for "anyone with a full set of teeth" during Tuesday's primary.