Unconventional

DENVER -- Instead of giving a planned speech endorsing Barak Obama, Bill & Hillary Clinton stunned the Democratic convention by storming the podium, holding delegates at gunpoint and demanding the nomination for Hillary Clinton. The situation was diffused when police negotiators promised Hillary she could be co-president and Bill could live in the interns' dormitory.

Attack Dog

Showing that they do not intend to take Republican attacks lying down, Democratic VP nominee Joe Biden prepares to "open a can of whup-ass" on Republican John McCain. While confrontation was avoided this time, promoter Don King announced the two could fight In a "town hall style venue" in October.

Veepstakes 2

Barak Obama discusses the rhythm of the campaign trail with potential running mate Gene Wilder.

Veepstakes

The McCain campaign has refused to deny rumors that comic icon Lou Costello is the leading contender for the VP spot on the Republican ticket. McCain strategists feel that Costello, "would really resonate with the young people."

Phelpsfinger

The secretary of evil mastermind Auric Goldfinger was found dead, covered in gold, in Beijing on Sunday night. Chinese authorities quickly questioned swimmer Michael Phelps, who has denied any wrongdoing in the mysterious death.

Talkin' About Shaft

Isaac Hayes has died at 65.

Family Values

Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards poses with the child of his former mistress and campaign staffer, Rielle Hunter. Edwards has admitted having an affair with Hunter, but denies he is the father of her child.

Favre of Ages

GREEN BAY -- Packers quarterback Brett Favre insists he is in playing shape as he leaves training camp in Green Bay, Wisconsin to return to his home in Hattiesburg, MS. The Packers desperately need to resolve the Favre soap opera that has disrupted their training camp. It appears that an imminent trade with Tampa Bay to play for the Sun City Titans of the CFL (Cialis Football League) could bring the divisive saga to a close.

Mental Moves

BOSTON -- The Los Angeles Dodgers, suffering from good clubhouse chemistry, have acquired outfielder Manny Ramirez from the Boston Red Sox in a three-team deal. Ramirez, considered the biggest asshole in the NL will add offense on the field while offending team mates, coaches and management in the clubhouse. The Pittsburgh Pirates received Andy LaRoche (prima donna) and Bryan Morris (asshole) from the Dodgers and the Red Sox received Jason Bay (head case) from the Pirates. Ramirez said he didn't think he was an asshole but felt he could fill that role for the Dodgers. Inez Ramirez, the sluggers mother commented on the trade saying, "he is an asshole."

Ad Nauseam

SPRINGFIELD, MO - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie today sued the campaign of John McCain over a new ad labeling Barak Obama as more of a celebrity than a leader. The ad names Obama, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton as "the biggest celebrities in the world." Edwin Snyder, an attorney for Branjolina said "To claim that those people are bigger celebrities than my clients is basically defying the laws of physics. My clients celebrity has it's own gravitational field, can any of them claim that? We will see McCain in court."

The McCain campaign stood by their claim noting that they were originally going to use Michael Jackson and Vanilla Ice in the ad, but wanted to avoid "playing the race card." In a separate ad, McCain displays a shrunken head "from a white woman" that he says he obtained from the Obama campaign.

Rescue Me

WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush on Wednesday signed into law a sweeping housing rescue package allowing Republican members of the senate to accept up to $250,000 in home improvements in exchange for their support on legislation. The bill was hailed by Alaska's Ted Stevens, (pictured left) the longest-serving Republican senator in U.S. history, who was recently featured on 'America's Home Makeover' where lobbyists and contractors jacked up the senator's mountainside house on stilts and added a new first floor, with two bedrooms and a bathroom in exchange for the senator's support on several bills. Stevens denied that the exorbitant remodeling influenced his votes saying, "I would have supported that legislation in exchange for a Winnebago, a lavish junket or unmarked bills in the low 5 figures. That, my friends, is democracy in action."