Six!

TAMPA -- The Arizona Cardinals bow to the Pittsburgh Steelers 27-23 in Super Bowl XLIII.

Seeing Red

TAMPA -- The Arizona Cardinals exude confidence as they study their playbooks in preparation for Sunday's Super Bowl.

Eight's Not Enough

WHITTIER - Only 4 months pregnant, the un-named woman who gave birth to octuplets poses with her existing children - who wear numbered jerseys for easier identification.

Bye Bye Blago

SPRINGFIELD -- Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich makes a last minute appeal to state legislators considering his impeachment with a presentation he called 'The Price Is Right'. Blagojevich offered luggage, appliances, vacations and "brand new cars" to state senators who appeared to be genuinely interested, but eventually voted to impeach the governor after receiving a substantial cash offer to appear on Larry King Live. Blagojevich clearly saw the writing on the wall and issued an eleventh hour order to the senate stating "I'm rubber and you're glue". The state supreme court has ruled the order unconstitutional.

Steelers Begin Final Super Bowl Preparations

Ben Rothlisberger performs the Steelers infamous 'That Tiger Will Eat You' drill as coach Mike Tomlin supervises.

Cardinals Begin Final Super Bowl Preparations

Kurt Warner leads the offense through their grueling 'Skip to My Loo' drill.

Day One

Day One: Obama saves everything.

Free At Last

WASHINGTON -- Drawing on symbols from past presidents, Barak Obama's inauguration offered many historical references to a nation eager for new leadership. Obama began the day in JFK's famous rocking chair, he stood on the west portico of the capital in FDR's leg braces, placed his hand on Lincoln's bible and as he took the oath of the highest office in the land, kneeling behind the inaugural podium - was Monica Lewinsky.

King Holiday

Obama misinterprets King Holiday, dons coronation robes.

All Seats Are Taken

WASHINGTON -- Democratic leaders refused to seat Illinois senator designate Plaxico Burris today, while other new senators were sworn in. Majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said the rebuff of Burris was due to a technicality, "The business of the senate is conducted in english and no one here can understand a word he says." Democrats also refused to seat comedian Al Franken, who was declared winner of the Minnesota senate raceon the grounds that Democrats are unanimously opposed to seating a senator with an actual personality.

The Usual Suspects

WASHINGTON DC -- Nine Muslim AirTran passengers claim to be victims of racial profiling after they were removed from an flight on New Year’s Day. A Muslim civil rights group claims the Muslims were singled out due to their appearance. "They were the only passengers with rocket propelled grenades that the crew paid any attention to, how do they explain that?"

Nice Trip

WASILLA - The governor's staff released the first picture of Sarah Palin's grandson Tripp on Friday. The baby's father Levi Johnson, reportedly chose the unusual name as a tribute to his mother's business venture.

Bombs Away

GAZA CITY – Defying international pressure to suspend its devastating air offensive, Israel instead broadened the scope of their attacks initiating airstrikes against Palatine, IL, Gonzaga University and Yasir's Pizza in Livonia, MI effecively destroying their 30-minute guarantee. An Israeli defense official who spoke on condition of anonymity said, "Israel will attack anything that sounds even vaguely Palestinian, we are not taking any chances." As a result, employees of 'Arafattys', a T-shirt store in Binghamton, NY, and other businesses, are reportedly extremely nervous.

No Contest

Time Magazine names Christmas Eve killer Bruce Pardo 'Asshole of the Year'. Pardo easily beat the odds-on favorite: Tom Cruise.

Big (White) Tent

NASHVILLE -- Candidate for the leadership of the Republican National Committee, Representative Chip Saltsman (R-TN), appears at fundraiser titled 'It's Not Racism, It's Satire'. Asked about the apparent insensitivity of the event, Saltsman said, "I think most people recognize political satire when they see it. I think RNC members understand that."

All I Want

WASHINGTON -- White House Spokeswoman Dana Perino confirmed today that President Bush received coal in his stocking, but insisted, "that's what he asked for."

Face Off

CLEVELAND -- Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic released details of the near total face transplant performed earlier this week, explaining, "This educated professional woman was seriously handicapped and humiliated by her appearance. Doctors called the operation a complete success and said the patient is 'thrilled' at her new looks."

Oz Has Spoken

NEW YORK - Investors react as Bernard Madoff's investment empire is exposed as a massive fraud

Famous Footwear

GREEN ZONE - In a surprise move, the Detroit Lions have signed the Iraqi Journalist who threw shoes at President Bush in Baghdad on Sunday. Excited team owner William Clay Ford said, "Now that's the kind of arm we've been looking for."

Cleaning House

WASHINGTON -- Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff is pictured with members of the crew from a Washington DC cleaning company that has cleaned his house for the past three years. Chertoff says that he was stunned to learn that there were illegal aliens on the crew.