Voice of Reason

WASHINGTON -- Rush Limbaugh addresses the Republican congressional delegation, stressing unity and referring to Democrats as "dogs" saying, "We must crush them, take their women, burn their crops and drive their children into the sea." Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY), was quoted as saying "That seems like a reasonable approach to doing what's right for the country."

Blame It On Little Debbie

NEW YORK -- Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez is sticking by his claim that he has never used any performance enhancing drugs and attributes any changes in his appearance to an increased consumption of "little powdered sugar donuts."

Loyal Opposition

WASHINGTON -- Republican senators appear to be unified in their opposition to any economic bailout package that doesn't reinstate Ronald Regan as president.

Bipartisanship

WASHINGTON -- Senators fail to reach agreement on the contentious economic bailout package.

Exit Stage Right

WASHINGTON -- Former Sen. Tom Daschle, President Barack Obama's choice to head the Health and Human Services, leaves the capital in a car and driver supplied by a lobbying firm after withdrawing his name from consideration for the cabinet post.

Six More Months

PUNXSUTAWNEY -- A stunned Punxsutawney Phil reacts after emerging from his lair and taking a good look at his financial statements. The plucky groundhog called for "6 more months of economic nuclear winter."

Taxiderby

WASHINGTON -- Health and Human Services secretary-designate Tom Daschle pays all back taxes owed in cash, and throws in a little something for the IRS agents, prior to beginning confirmation hearings. Economists say that if all Obama cabinet appointees pay off their back taxes, the national deficit could be erased.

Six!

TAMPA -- The Arizona Cardinals bow to the Pittsburgh Steelers 27-23 in Super Bowl XLIII.

Seeing Red

TAMPA -- The Arizona Cardinals exude confidence as they study their playbooks in preparation for Sunday's Super Bowl.

Eight's Not Enough

WHITTIER - Only 4 months pregnant, the un-named woman who gave birth to octuplets poses with her existing children - who wear numbered jerseys for easier identification.

Bye Bye Blago

SPRINGFIELD -- Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich makes a last minute appeal to state legislators considering his impeachment with a presentation he called 'The Price Is Right'. Blagojevich offered luggage, appliances, vacations and "brand new cars" to state senators who appeared to be genuinely interested, but eventually voted to impeach the governor after receiving a substantial cash offer to appear on Larry King Live. Blagojevich clearly saw the writing on the wall and issued an eleventh hour order to the senate stating "I'm rubber and you're glue". The state supreme court has ruled the order unconstitutional.

Steelers Begin Final Super Bowl Preparations

Ben Rothlisberger performs the Steelers infamous 'That Tiger Will Eat You' drill as coach Mike Tomlin supervises.

Cardinals Begin Final Super Bowl Preparations

Kurt Warner leads the offense through their grueling 'Skip to My Loo' drill.

Day One

Day One: Obama saves everything.

Free At Last

WASHINGTON -- Drawing on symbols from past presidents, Barak Obama's inauguration offered many historical references to a nation eager for new leadership. Obama began the day in JFK's famous rocking chair, he stood on the west portico of the capital in FDR's leg braces, placed his hand on Lincoln's bible and as he took the oath of the highest office in the land, kneeling behind the inaugural podium - was Monica Lewinsky.

King Holiday

Obama misinterprets King Holiday, dons coronation robes.

All Seats Are Taken

WASHINGTON -- Democratic leaders refused to seat Illinois senator designate Plaxico Burris today, while other new senators were sworn in. Majority leader Harry Reid (D-NV) said the rebuff of Burris was due to a technicality, "The business of the senate is conducted in english and no one here can understand a word he says." Democrats also refused to seat comedian Al Franken, who was declared winner of the Minnesota senate raceon the grounds that Democrats are unanimously opposed to seating a senator with an actual personality.

The Usual Suspects

WASHINGTON DC -- Nine Muslim AirTran passengers claim to be victims of racial profiling after they were removed from an flight on New Year’s Day. A Muslim civil rights group claims the Muslims were singled out due to their appearance. "They were the only passengers with rocket propelled grenades that the crew paid any attention to, how do they explain that?"

Nice Trip

WASILLA - The governor's staff released the first picture of Sarah Palin's grandson Tripp on Friday. The baby's father Levi Johnson, reportedly chose the unusual name as a tribute to his mother's business venture.

Bombs Away

GAZA CITY – Defying international pressure to suspend its devastating air offensive, Israel instead broadened the scope of their attacks initiating airstrikes against Palatine, IL, Gonzaga University and Yasir's Pizza in Livonia, MI effecively destroying their 30-minute guarantee. An Israeli defense official who spoke on condition of anonymity said, "Israel will attack anything that sounds even vaguely Palestinian, we are not taking any chances." As a result, employees of 'Arafattys', a T-shirt store in Binghamton, NY, and other businesses, are reportedly extremely nervous.