Unconventional

DENVER -- Instead of giving a planned speech endorsing Barak Obama, Bill & Hillary Clinton stunned the Democratic convention by storming the podium, holding delegates at gunpoint and demanding the nomination for Hillary Clinton. The situation was diffused when police negotiators promised Hillary she could be co-president and Bill could live in the interns' dormitory.

Attack Dog

Showing that they do not intend to take Republican attacks lying down, Democratic VP nominee Joe Biden prepares to "open a can of whup-ass" on Republican John McCain. While confrontation was avoided this time, promoter Don King announced the two could fight In a "town hall style venue" in October.

Veepstakes 2

Barak Obama discusses the rhythm of the campaign trail with potential running mate Gene Wilder.

Veepstakes

The McCain campaign has refused to deny rumors that comic icon Lou Costello is the leading contender for the VP spot on the Republican ticket. McCain strategists feel that Costello, "would really resonate with the young people."

Phelpsfinger

The secretary of evil mastermind Auric Goldfinger was found dead, covered in gold, in Beijing on Sunday night. Chinese authorities quickly questioned swimmer Michael Phelps, who has denied any wrongdoing in the mysterious death.

Talkin' About Shaft

Isaac Hayes has died at 65.

Family Values

Former Democratic presidential candidate John Edwards poses with the child of his former mistress and campaign staffer, Rielle Hunter. Edwards has admitted having an affair with Hunter, but denies he is the father of her child.

Favre of Ages

GREEN BAY -- Packers quarterback Brett Favre insists he is in playing shape as he leaves training camp in Green Bay, Wisconsin to return to his home in Hattiesburg, MS. The Packers desperately need to resolve the Favre soap opera that has disrupted their training camp. It appears that an imminent trade with Tampa Bay to play for the Sun City Titans of the CFL (Cialis Football League) could bring the divisive saga to a close.

Mental Moves

BOSTON -- The Los Angeles Dodgers, suffering from good clubhouse chemistry, have acquired outfielder Manny Ramirez from the Boston Red Sox in a three-team deal. Ramirez, considered the biggest asshole in the NL will add offense on the field while offending team mates, coaches and management in the clubhouse. The Pittsburgh Pirates received Andy LaRoche (prima donna) and Bryan Morris (asshole) from the Dodgers and the Red Sox received Jason Bay (head case) from the Pirates. Ramirez said he didn't think he was an asshole but felt he could fill that role for the Dodgers. Inez Ramirez, the sluggers mother commented on the trade saying, "he is an asshole."

Ad Nauseam

SPRINGFIELD, MO - Brad Pitt and Angelina Jolie today sued the campaign of John McCain over a new ad labeling Barak Obama as more of a celebrity than a leader. The ad names Obama, Britney Spears and Paris Hilton as "the biggest celebrities in the world." Edwin Snyder, an attorney for Branjolina said "To claim that those people are bigger celebrities than my clients is basically defying the laws of physics. My clients celebrity has it's own gravitational field, can any of them claim that? We will see McCain in court."

The McCain campaign stood by their claim noting that they were originally going to use Michael Jackson and Vanilla Ice in the ad, but wanted to avoid "playing the race card." In a separate ad, McCain displays a shrunken head "from a white woman" that he says he obtained from the Obama campaign.

Rescue Me

WASHINGTON - President George W. Bush on Wednesday signed into law a sweeping housing rescue package allowing Republican members of the senate to accept up to $250,000 in home improvements in exchange for their support on legislation. The bill was hailed by Alaska's Ted Stevens, (pictured left) the longest-serving Republican senator in U.S. history, who was recently featured on 'America's Home Makeover' where lobbyists and contractors jacked up the senator's mountainside house on stilts and added a new first floor, with two bedrooms and a bathroom in exchange for the senator's support on several bills. Stevens denied that the exorbitant remodeling influenced his votes saying, "I would have supported that legislation in exchange for a Winnebago, a lavish junket or unmarked bills in the low 5 figures. That, my friends, is democracy in action."

Skin Deep

WASHINGTON -- John McCain's campaign is reporting that there is "absolutely nothing to be concerned about" following a biopsy of "a small area" on the senator's cheek. Doctors at the Mayo Clinic said that tests showed no cancer and noted that the candidate's skin appears just as young as, "a 46 year old black guy."

Signs of Inflation

WASHINGTON -- Economists are reporting signs of inflation on at least two fronts with both commodity prices and foreign exchange rates threatening to break free of fiscal restraints. President Bush & Fed Chairman Bernake are reportedly squabbling over who would be best suited to grapple with these massive issues. The administration believes that with careful handling of these weighty matters, "we just might get lucky."

First Pitt - Jolie Twin Photos

Pulitzer Quality has obtained the first picture of the Pitt - Jolie twins: a boy named Knox Leon and girl, Vivienne Marcheline. Asked about the unusual names a spokesman said, "Unusual? For a while they were considering naming them Tide and Cheer, now that's unusual."

Fannie & Freddie Saved!

WASHINGTON -- Fannie Mae & Freddie Mac (pictured above) express relief following their rescue by the Treasury Department. Signs of trouble had been building for months as fiscal watchdog Lassie ran between Fed chairman Ben Bernanke and President Bush, barking frantically. Both men repeated "checked the well" and reported with growing frustration that "`Timmy's not in there." Over the weekend Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson overheard Lassie while visiting the Fed, stopped Bernanke on his way to the well and exclaimed, "It's Fannie and Freddie, they're in trouble, we've got to rescue them." Paulson quickly cobbled together a rescue package and was able to save the plucky duo, although he was later forced to return to the Fed and pull Bernanke out of the well.

"Freddy & Fanny are in no danger and the economy is saved", said a relieved President Bush "And I must say, if it weren't for Lassie our entire economic system, and perhaps civilization as we know it, might have collapsed. That's why dogs are better than cats - heh, heh."

Forecast: No More Snow

Former presidential spokesman Tony Snow has died at 53. Vice President Cheney's office issued a statement of sympathy to Snow's family saying, "The White House will miss Tony's candor and humor and sorry - I thought it was Scott McClelland."

Bush Explains

TOKYO -- Aides rush to assist President Bush as he explains his decision to participate in the opening ceremonies at the Beijing Olympic Games and his plans to remove North Korea from the State Sponsor of Terror list.

Helms Dies

Former Senator Jesse Helms has died at 86.

Vets Dig In

LOS ANGELES -- Viet Nam vets are responding to comments by Democrats that John McCain's service record does not qualify him to be president. Fellow veteran Captain M.T. Koons related how McCain kept a fellow prisoner's heirloom gold watch secure "in his ass for five years" while both were POWs at the Hanoi Hilton. Koons noted "That uncomfortable hunk of metal is more valuable than anything George Bush has pulled out of his ass in since he's been president."

Close Call

UNITY, N.H. - Barak Obama narrowly escaped an assassination attempt today at a New Hampshire campaign stop. Police declined to release the name of the knife wielding woman who screamed "Remember Bobby Kennedy" before turning on the Senator. Authorities are also looking for a tall, white haired man who appeared to supply the knife and was reportedly encouraging the woman in a very agitated manner. An Obama spokesman said that the senator was unhurt and was "not surprised" by the attack.