WASHINGTON, DC House Speaker John Boehner today announced that the Republican congressional delegation plans to, "Retire to our offices and masturbate for the remainder of President Obama's term." He explained his strategy, "It is literally the only thing we can agree on. Immigration, debt ceiling, unemployment benefits - there is absolutely no consensus there. But three years of me-time alone in our offices, everyone's on board with that." When he was asked if this could be the last straw for their constituents, Boehner shrugged and said, "I don't think so, it's basically what we've been doing for the last 5 years."
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