Trump Unveils Putin Tattoo

MAR-A-LAGO   Doubling down on his odd fan-boy love of Russian President Vladimir Putin, President-elect Trump unveiled his new Putin portrait tattoo on his right bicep. Asked if he had any other tattoos, Trump revealed that he has a portrait of himself tattooed on his left bicep, his inner thigh, his back, his ankle......

Cubs-Jesus-Holy Cow

CHICAGO   A flood warning was issued for Chicago’s north side last night shortly after the Cubs clinched their first World Series title in 108 years.  Thousands of Cub fans crying tears of joy overwhelmed sewers, flooded streets and the volume of tears actually reversed the flow of the Chicago River. Police Capital Paddy O’Doyle spoke through his own tears, “We thought we’d be dealing with a lot of happy drunk people, maybe a couch fire, but this is completely unexpected.” The flood of tears subsided before dawn then picked up again when highlights started airing on Sports Center this morning. Captain O’Doyle reported that overnight, “crime all but evaporated, potholes were filled with gold, the blind could see and the lame could walk.”  In a surprise move Pope Francis attributed these miracles to comedian Bill Murray and has canonized him, saying “You take 'The Razor’s Edge’ out of the equation and Bill’s whole life is a miracle, I’m a little embarrassed we haven’t done this sooner." 

Clinton - America's Most Wanted

WASHINGTON   FBI Director James Comey has added Democratic Presidential nominee Hillary Clinton to the agency’s famed ’10 Most Wanted’ list. “It’s just a precautionary move,” Said Comey, “The wanted posters were actually printed several weeks ago - just in case. But, we believe she’s armed and dangerous and if her poll numbers hold our agents will act accordingly.” The Clinton campaign has yet to address this stunning, extrajudicial move, but a spokesman did say, “At least we’re number 1.” 

Comey Comes Clean

WASHINGTON  FBI Director James Comey explained his rational for announcing that the agency was re-opening it's investigation  of Hillary Clinton's emails less than 2 weeks before the presidential election. "When additional emails that may be relevant showed up on a computer used by disgrace generation system  and former congressman Anthony Weiner, we thought it was important enough to drop it into the closing days of the presidential campaign. I have a duty to perform and besides, this election isn't going to rig itself.
Trump 2016!!!"

Weiner Probe Exposes Emails

Jury OJ's Bundy Brothers

PORTLAND  Jurors deliberate the fate of the Bundy brothers (left). Federal prosecutors have expressed some concerns about the jury’s ability to grasp the complex case, but feel confident that "virtually anyone with a sliver of common sense" would see that the Bundy’s takeover of a federal wildlife refuge was a crime. The Bundy’s attorney, Colt Buckshot, had a different take, “The Bundy’s are patriots and I’m betting the jury is made up of patriots, so I’ve got enough mason jars in the trunk of my car for my clients and the jury once the verdict’s in. 

Cubs Even Series

Taco Trump

WASHINGTON  Stung by criticism over his decision to take a valuable day off during the campaign homestretch to open his new hotel, Donald Trump signaled that he is not about to change strategy. "I will be in Akron tomorrow, in the crucial state of Ohio - the great state of Ohio, to open my new Taco Bell, the greatest Taco Bell in history." When it was pointed out that this was not actually campaigning, Trump disagreed. "This is hispanic outreach. We've got a special menu item that will be free to all my hispanic friends at the opening, it's a pure beef taco, with melty cheese and special sauce - it's called The Rapist."

Biden vs Trump - Fight Date Set

WASHINGTON   It's on. "The Rumble", "The Thrilla', 'The Oh Please Would You Two Just Shut Up': fight of the septuagenarians, Biden vs Trump. 'Behind the Gym' was booked, so the fight is scheduled for the recently shuttered Trump Taj Mahal in Atlantic City.  And... on the undercard, in a mixed weight class bout, Megyn Kelly vs Newt Gingrich.
   The bout is tentatively scheduled for late November pending Kelly's schedule, "because by that point she's the only one who will be doing anything."

Dylan - Nobel - Resolved

NARNIA   Music icon Bob Dylan has belatedly responded to being awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature by writing a song that captures his feelings on receiving the iconic honor.  The ballad, called, 'I Don't Give a Flying Fuck' does not have a firm release date. A spokesman for Dylan said, "Bob will release the song when the muse strikes him, when the song fits perfectly in time, when the world has proven it's worthy...."  Journalists, then left en masse before the spokesman finished. A record company exec spoke off the record, "It's a really good Dylan tune, catchy, touching and about 27% intelligible."

First 100 Days

NEW YorkDonald Trump today outlined his plans for the first 100 days of his administration. He also acknowledged that he has plans for the 100 days following the election if he should lose. "I will be very busy, very busy - there's a very long list of women to sue and charity dinners to ruin.

Blutarski Backs Trump

LAS VEGAS  A campaign staffer credited former senator Bluto Blutarski as the inspiration for Donald Trump's stance on final election results. "Like Donald, Bluto's greatest asset is his tempermant. He is the embodiment of the Trump campaign." Blutarski has said that while there may not be a decision on the outcome on election night, there will damn well be a toga party.

Trump Lights It Up

LAS VEGAS  Trump on his performance in the third presidential debate, "It was flawless, I think it went very well."

Melania's World

NEW YORK   Melania Trump explained The Truth in regard to her husband's behavior to Anderson Cooper and the nation.
To recap:
- All of the women accusing Donald of a variety of sexual assaults are lying.
- All of the women accusing Bill Clinton of a variety of sexual assaults are telling the truth.
- Melania is proud of her nude and topless work in the 80's.
- Bill Clinton's past is fair game because "they started it" when republican primary opponents and the New York Post published the nude/topless photos - that Melanoma states she is proud of.
- Billy Bush is a ventriloquist, hypnotist or something along those lines.

Glad it's all straightened out.

Hey, Hey, Hey

NEW YORK   Embattled comedian Bill Cosby stopped short of endorsing Donald Trump, but said, "I've been searching for a candidate who's never assaulted women but has described it in detail.  Who then was accused of doing exactly what he described over and over and over again by women who clearly must be lying. That really resonates with me for some reason." 
Cosby was also impressed by Trump's women-first advisors - Bannon, Guliani, Gingrich, Ailes - who would never dream of abusing, assaulting, cheating on women or divorcing their wives when they have cancer.      

Constitution, Baby

CHICAGO   Large numbers of crying babies waving pocket constitutions are showing up at Donald Trump rallies across the country. In order to handle the disruption, campaign staff has started setting up giant ball pits to hurl the babies into.  When questioned about the practice, a security official would only say, "Donald Trump loves babies." A staffer added, "and babies love ball pits," then both walked away.

Noted child psychologist Milo Rash proposed a theory as to why so many babies cry at Trump rallies, "Babies hate clowns."

Meet John Miller

NEW YORK    In an unexpected move, Donald Trump introduced former spokesman John Miller as his running mate for the upcoming campaign, "I know him pretty well, I like him and we definitely see eye to eye. I think you'll be very impressed."

Quayle Takes Sides

SARASOTA    Immediately following former Vice President Dan Quayle’s endorsement of Donald Trump, Flip Yippler, spokesman for The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College addressed the press: “Every time former vice President Dan Quayle surfaces in the news, we are inundated with inquiries. People, frankly millions of people, just assume he’s our spokesperson - and as annoying as it is, I can see their point. However, Quayle's comments on Donald Trump or for that matter on any other subject do not reflect the opinions of The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College.”

Donald Trump was thrilled with the Quayle endorsement saying, “I for one am more than pleased to have the backing of The Ringling Brothers and Barnum and Bailey Clown College."

It's All Good

WASHINGTON   House Speaker Paul Ryan reported that he and presumptive Republican nominee Donald Trump "had a very productive meeting on a side street in Brooklyn" this morning. Ryan said that the two now have a much better understanding of each others positions and look forward to working together on the campaign. It does appear however that some tensions remain between the two as Ryan added, "If he touches my sister again, I'll kill him."

Ready, Aim, Bid

SANFORD   Vigilante triggerman George Zimmerman plans to auction the pistol he used to kill black teenager Trayvon Martinto raise money "for my own damn self." In order to drive up the bidding, Zimmerman may bundle several items with the weapon. These could include his soul, "Not using it, in fact never have," as well as a meet and greet with Lucifer, The Prince of Darkness, "I really think I can pull that one off."

In order to soften the expected backlash, Zimmerman indicated he plans to donate a portion of the proceeds to, "crazy right-wing causes you won't even believe exist."

Carolina In My Bathroom

RALEIGH   North Carolina lawmakers are sticking to their guns on the principals of their controversial 'bathroom law' in the face of federal declarations that it is unconstitutional. However, they have proposed a change to the legislation. In the proposal, "persons with lady parts" must use the Women's restroom, "those persons with weiners" are required to use the Men's restroom, unless they happen to be "persons who actually are dicks," like North Carolina lawmakers, who will use a new "just for dicks" restroom. "Does this solve the issue? Hell no!" said Senator Floyd Spanker, "but we get us some fancy new bathrooms, don't we?" An LGBT activist noted, "this does make some sense, nobody wants those dicks in their bathrooms."

Rubio Retreats

MIAMI  After losing  Florida to Donald Trump, Marco Rubio sees no way forward and suspends his presidential campaign.

Shooting Down Gun Sense

JACKSONVILLE   Police theorize that a 4-year-old shot his gun-advocate mother in the back out of frustration after she mis-spelled "2nd Ammendment" on her 'Jamie Gilt for Gun Sense' Facebook page. A police spokesman said that the child told them, 'Maybe I got a little too jacked up about it, but I'm 4 and I can spell 2nd Amendment. Mommy just doesn't take gun rights seriously enough.' One gun rights advocate took the shooting as a cautionary tale saying, "If there's one thing we always stress in the gun community it's that spelling is important."

Holy Puerto Rico

MIAMI   Hoping to shake the tag of "Youthful Ward" in the Republican presidential race, Marco Rubio coasted to victory in the Puerto Rico 'not-a-state' primary and vowed to fight on. Most voters cited Rubio's "tiny hands" as the reason they voted for him. Ernesto Bobobo of San Juan explained."Trump's got the itty bitty hands too, but they're attached to Trump so they're creepy. Now, Rubio's hands fit his whole Latino Leprechaun persona like a glove so to speak. Is that presidential? Hell no, but we're grasping at straws here."  When asked how Rubio planned to fight a staffer replied, "You know how he fights, - POW!, BIFF!, WHAM!"

Linguini with Klan Sauce

CHARLESTON  Donald Trump continues to claim that he has no idea about who David Duke  could be or what white supremacists are. "Look, I see some guys with tall white hats on their heads, I assume they're chefs - chefs. Are chefs racist, I don't think so. And that Duke guy. I hear he's a Duke, I hear he's a wizard, the media can't get it straight."  Asked for a comment former KKK Grand Wizard David Duke said, "Of course Trump's right, we're  chefs."

Wall to Wall to Mexico

HOUSTON   Republican Front Runner Donald Trump claimed that the plans for his Border Wall with Mexico, "Are really coming together. I'm signing up contractors left and right and let me tell you, I will only work with contractors who have a history with minorities and I can say that some these folks truly are wizards."

Jeb Unveils New Logo

Donald Trumps Pope

LAS VEGAS  Reacting swiftly to Pope Francis' position that he is "not a Christian" because of his position on immigration, Donald Trump took the offensive, "Pope Francis is going to be soooo sorry he questioned my faith. You know what, nothing says I can't be both President and Pope; so as of right now, I'm also running or Pope. Look the Catholics love me, I have a great relationship with them. Frankly, many Catholics tell me they would kill to have a pope like me." Asked how he could run for an office that was not vacant, Trump stated, "My people assure me that it's no problem. We're already printing the 'Make the Vatican Great Again' hats.

Cam Nails It

SAN FRANCISCO   Following his post Super Bowl news conference, Cam Newton has shot to the top of the Republican presidential field just one day before the New Hampshire primary. Newton answered only seven questions, giving mostly one word answers. His performance clearly outstripped all participants in Saturday's Republican debate for thoughtfullness, clarity and detailed policy proposals. Also surging in Republican polls are political outsiders: Beyonce, Johnny Manziel and The Cohen Brothers who Chris Christie dismissed as, "Booty, batty and technically brilliant."  

Jesus Endorses Trump

DES MOINES  Donald Trump scored a surprise endorsement just in time for the Iowa caucus vote on Monday when Jesus Christ appeared at a rally to offer his endorsement to the business magnate.  Jesus appeared on stage, healed a blind man and said what separated Trump from the other candidates is, "Donald Trump doesn't even pretend to be likable or socially aware. He doesn't care that he's creepy. Frankly it's a miracle that anyone likes him."  When asked if he could help Trump with his hair, Jesus said "There's no reason to, it's a miracle as it is. And you know what? That makes him one miracle shy of sainthood! What other candidate can say that?" A humble Trump joked with the Savior saying, "Us kings of kings have to stick together."

Trump Claims Immunity

NEW YORK   Donald Trump expressed confidence on Saturday that he could "Stand on New York's fifth Avenue and shoot people" and not lose voters. "This is not an idle threat" said Trump aide Lonnie Stickler, "you know he's packing." Trump reportedly has tried out this theme in campaign strategy sessions, 'I could drown puppies in french dressing and not lose voters', 'I could hurl kittens off Trump Tower into a bubbling cauldron and not lose support', "I could run with scissors through Times Square in my panda-fur coat, groping pregnant women - and not lose votes.' One concerned staffer noted, "Maybe he's getting a little carried away with this theme." Asked if Trump really does have a panda-fur coat, the staffer said,"Absolutely not, but I think Chris Christi does."

Palin Falls Flat

LAS VEGAS  Sarah Palin's endorsement of Donald Trump's presidential campaign is drawing mixed reviews from the conservative base. Registered voters at Sunrise Farms Sanatorium had been evenly split between between Trump and Ted Cruz, and that didn't change. "I love slam poetry so her speech was cool," said long time inmate Billy Sneegle, "but she sounds just like the voice that keeps telling me to kill people, so it was a little off-putting." Many residents say that their vote is medication dependent, "If I don't take 'em, Cruz starts to make sense" said Sneegle.