Always Ready

WASHINGTON -- Following his address to the nation on Tuesday, President Bush has reportedly reached agreement with pharmaceutical giant Pfizer to become "The Voice and Face of Impotence" - as the spokesman for Viagra. Pfizer spokesman Woody Harden announced the deal, "The president's handling of the economic crisis has solidified his position as the most highly visible, yet clearly impotent face in the world. Our message is if Viagra can help someone like Bush, it can help anyone." The president will reportedly donate any proceeds from the endorsement deal to the financial bailout.

For Our Next Trick...

Democratic party leaders and representitives of the house 'fiscal conservatives' meet with the press following the failure of the financial bailout bill in the House Monday.

World of Witchcraft

WASHINGTON -- Sarah Palin and staff members discuss strategy for addressing the controversial videotape of her pastor praying that she be protected from witchcraft. The person who released the tape to the media has reportedly been turned into a newt.

Let's Debate - Not!

NEW YORK -- Citing his problems with using "the email" to keep in contact with fast-moving negotiations regarding the federal financial bailout, Senator John McCain today called for a suspension of both presidential campaigns and a delay of Friday's scheduled debate. McCain explained his rational, "At this critical time I'd just like to get all the parties in one room so they can talk to each other on their Blackberry's - which as you know, I invented." When the senator was reminded that key players could speak to each other anywhere in the world on their Blackberry's McCain said, "Really? Those things are the cat's pajamas." When asked what she thought of the suspension of the campaign, Sarah Palin replied, "I'm not allowed to talk to reporters."

No Pesky Questions

NEW YORK - Sarah Palin banned reporters from her first meetings with world leaders Tuesday, allowing access only to photographers and a television crew. The McCain-Palin campaign blamed "the liberal media" for the ban saying, "When the media stops treating Sarah Palin like she's an idiot, like she can't be trusted to conduct herself in public, and like she doesn't have a clue; the McCain campaign will stop treating her the same way."

During their meeting, Palin reportedly told Afghan President Hamid Karzai, "Hey I have a skirt just like yours!"

Luck of the Bankers

WASHINGTON -- In an effort to calm jittery world financial markets, President Bush today introduced a key component of his market bailout package: Leprechaun Gold. Displaying a firm grasp of the crisis, the president explained, "We've got a saying in Texas - and in Ireland - that good things come in...things that are good come in...pots of gold."

Patched Up

NEW YORK -- Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson directs the frantic efforts of a financial triage team as they feverishly work on the US economy after it was discovered lying unresponsive on Wall Street. The economy was eventually ugraded to serious but stable condition after receiving an infusion of $700 billion, but was then discharged without further treatment when it was discovered that it had no health insurance.

Tech Savvy

To support the claim by McCain campaign adviser, Douglas Holtz-Eakin, that John McCain had a hand in inventing the iconic Blackberry, the campaign released a photo of McCain and Sarah Palin, "Working after hours in his Arizona mountaintop lab, moments before the first Blackberry was brought to life."

McEnomics

Presidential candidate John McCain backs up his assertion that "the fundamentals of the economy are sound" with a home-grown success story. "American products, such as those from Apple, are the backbone of American innovation. Now I don't claim to understand the technological marvels this gentleman is selling, but the young people sure seem to like them."

Pigstick

WASHINGTON -- Sarah Palin's line of pig lipstick: 'Pouty Pork' has seen a huge sales boost following John McCain's repeated denouncement of Obama's use of the phrase. The slop-flavored gloss had seen very slow sales prior to the controversy. Democrats have cried foul, accusing Palin of using her public position for private gain, causing Republicans to call them "sexist pigs". Today, a Palin spokesman has confirmed that the Republican vice presidential candidate plans to rush out a complementary line of hoof polish to be called 'This Little Piggy'.

Up and Atom

GENEVA - Physicists around the world celebrated the first successful test of the worlds largest atom smasher in Switzerland on Wednesday. Scientists hope that with more training a proper diet, the atom smasher- also known as 'Frankie', will be successful in duplicating the "big bang,"

Brady's Leap

Trainers assist Tom Brady off the field following an injury in the first quarter of the season opener. The tight-lipped Patriots have confirmed only that the injury is to Brady's knee.

Baby Daddys Unite

Levi Johnston, boyfriend of Sarah Palin's pregnant daughter arrives
with Kevin Federline to address a meeting of 'Celebrity Inseminators
for McCain', at the Republican national convention.

Cheney Aims to Help

ST PAUL -- In order to deflect the media firestorm surrounding the many negative revelations that have come to light in recent days concerning vice presidential pick Sarah Palin , Vice President Dick Cheney has reportedly volunteered to again accidentally shoot close friend Harry Whittington in the face. "The vice president is willing to do whatever it takes to support the Republican ticket" said Cheney spokesman Fritz Drebin. An unnamed campaign source claimed that Cheney initially proposed shooting Palin's pregnant 17-year old daughter, "Women love tragedy- we'll get the sympathy - and the votes." This strategy was reportedly shot down by McCain himself who told Cheney, "stick with people you know, people you've shot."

Pointing Out the Obvious

Republican presidential candidate John McCain asks running mate Sarah Palin, "Hey, isn't that your pregnant, unmarried, 17-year-old daughter up there?"

Palin Gets Her Feet In the Stirrups

MINNEAPOLIS -- Republicans today defended their choice of a little known governor as John McCain's running mate, "Sarah Palin brings a gynecological element to the campaign that the other contenders couldn't match. Romney, Ridge and even Joe Lieberman all suffered from a vaginal deficit." said senior McCain adviser Tucker Askew. Reporters pointed out that Christie Todd Whitman, who was also reportedly under consideration, would also have brought "vag-cred' to the ticket, Askew explained "Whitman was ready and willing to lend her vagina to John McCain, however she's a tad homely and that tends to scare the base." When asked if they felt that adding Palin to the ticket would appeal to women Askew did not hesitate, "We believe that Sarah Palin will definitely help John McCain pick up chicks."

It's a Wrap

Barak Obama wraps up the Democratic convention by promising to be the candidate who can part the red states.