Big Shoes

TOPEKA - Rumors are swirling that fired Kansas coach Mark Mangino may be heading to Notre Dame to replace the recently departed Charlie Weis. An un-named source at Notre Dame said, "It's a good fit. We are already set up for a morbidly obese coach; you know big sturdy furniture, over sized fridge, the whole works." Mangino did not comment on the Notre Dame situation directly but said, "if there's a program with big shoes to fill, I could definitely fill them, noooooo problem."

Freedom Crashers

WASHINGTON - News photos reveal that additional crashers may have breached security at the recent White House state dinner.

Fore

PALM BEACH - Police have determined that injuries sustained by Tiger Woods are consistent with being struck by a golf club. They plan to question a Judge Smails who played 18 holes at Bushwood Country Club with Woods earlier that day.

Belly Up

SOUTH BEND - Football fans everywhere lamented the firing of Notre Dame football coach Charlie Weiss amid concerns that the school might hire someone "good." Analysts however expect the school to follow recent trends and pick a coach that will not only disappoint alumni, but may bring down the wrath of God. Weis meanwhile did not stay unemployed for long, accepting the head coaching position at Hamburger U before the afternoon was out.

Trouble With Tiger

ATLANTA - Tiger Woods gets in a little practice while waiting for an ambulance after driving into a tree and fire hydrant hazard just outside his driveway.

Breast In Show

WASHINGTON - A U.S. government group's recommendation that women delay getting regular mammograms from 40 until age 50, has stirred controversy. The U.S. Preventive Services Task Force (USPSTF) is releasing more detail in an attempt to lessen objections to the new guidelines. This clarification points out that mammography should not be completely abandoned for women in their 40's but may be largely replaced by a procedure currently in use called 'Cougar Screening'. In a Cougar Examination, women in their 40's recruit young men to thoroughly examine their breasts. Studies have shown that on average, young men do an painstaking job of examining breasts of older women, often studying areas that have been long neglected. The data shows that breasts are typically examined so thoroughly that it would almost be impossible to miss any abnormalities.

The USPSTF expects this new information will generate strong support for the new guidelines among women in their 40's and believe that younger men will enthusiastically take up the challenge.

The Son Also Rises

TOKYO - Conservative pundits are cheering President Obama's near beheading when he bowed deeply upon meeting Japanese Emperor Akihito, as per tradition. A Japanese government spokesman apologized for the sneak attack saying, "Sorry, force of habit."

Hard Road Ahead

NEW YORK - Researchers at NYU claim that they have been able to grow new penis cells (pictured here under high magnification) in the lab. While it's hoped that the cells can someday be implanted to restore sexual function, Dr. Andrew McCallough says, "These cells are unusually cranky and mean tempered. It will take much more testing to determine if they can be of any use to humans." Dr. McCallough feels that he should also be able to use these cells to clone sphincter cells saying, "they just have that look about them."

Extreme Makeover - Berlin Edition

BERLIN - On the 20th anniversary of the fall of the Berlin Wall, a crack crew from ABC's renovation show 'Extreme Makeover' has rebuilt the hated symbol of communist tyranny overnight. 'We didn't recreate a section, we did the whole thing, guard towers, barbed wire, everything." said clearly proud crew leader Ty Pennington. "We don't just change lives, we recreate history." The crew however has been detained by German authorities who are reportedly "pissed as hell". The crew could be set free as early as tomorrow, but a government spokesman said "they'll have to make it through the mine field, avoid the crossfire, clear the concertina wire and get over the wall to leave the country."

Phillies Celebrate

NEW YORK - Philadelphia Phillies celebrate the end of the World Series saying, "It was really cold, the games went way too late & the Yankees pay A-Rod more than our entire team."

No Tricks, Just Treats

ISLAMABAD - Sources in Pakistan report that the Taliban is gearing up for Halloween, saying "They have their costumes ready and plan to be out from 6 to 9 PM in force." Taliban leaders have reportedly warned villagers to provide, "good treats, nothing fun-size."

Ailes Well

NEW YORK - As momentum builds concerning a possible presidential run by Roger Ailes, speculation rises that acting stints from early in his career could damage an Ailes campaign. His behind the scenes political and news careers are well documented back to the 80's when he helped Reagan and the first Bush gain the White House, followed by his stints at CNBC and Fox. Ailes role as the unpredictable Uncle Fester on the Addams Family is reportedly close to the man that employees of Fox News know. "He loves blowing things up and that light bulb thing - he really does that" said Sean Hannity. The impulsiveness and ability to defy common sense displayed by Fester should help him with conservative voters, said one Republican official. More troubling is Ailes' role as the sensitive, caring Charlie Brown. Polls show that conservatives consider Charlie Brown to be "a tree-hugging wimp not fit to be an American, let alone president". Analysts have dismissed Ailes short lived role as Curly Joe with the Three Stooges calling it a "sad, but harmless" chapter in his long career.

We're All Counting On You

DETROIT - The Northwest Airlines crew that overshot the Minneapolis airport by 180 miles maintains that they were merely distracted, but remained completely professional during the incident.

Belly Up

Steelers deliver victory. Vikings return home to regroup and shave their stomach

Reality Bites

FORT COLLINS, Colo. – Investigators in Colorado are speculating that the runaway balloon at the center of a publicity stunt gone awry may have taken off with Richard Heene's brain. Larimer County Sheriff Jim Alderden said, "From what we can determine, it appears that Mr. Heene does not have a brain in his head. We cannot at this time verify that he had any brains whatsoever before the balloon incident, but we do know that what is in Richard Heene's head is definitely not brains. It could be pudding, sand, poop, whatever. the fact remains that that man has no brains." Authorities do not plan to mount a search for the missing brain, Sheriff Alderden explained, "It would be like looking for Bigfoot; there just isn't a lot of evidence that the brain exists."

The Heene's stayed out of the media spotlight today, locked inside their house where they are reported working on an entirely new reality show proposal which they've titled: 'I'm In Deep Shit'.

Rush to Judgment

ST. LOUIS – Conservative radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has been dropped from a group seeking to buy the St. Louis Rams for reportedly being, "too liberal." The group, led by St. Louis Blues chairman Dave Checkets, is in negotiations to replace Limbaugh with another well known arch conservative who also has access to vast family money: Osama Bin Laden. Bin Laden has reportedly shifted his focus to football after abandoning a bid to rescue the troubled WNBA once he determined "they can't play that game in burquas."

Swine and Dance

Bizarre symptoms emerge as swine flu spreads.

A Busy Man

Fresh off his surprising Nobel victory, President Obama went 4 for 4 and made a divining catch in center field to power the Yankees past the Twins in the American League Divisional Series. On Friday, Obama is scheduled to donate, then perform the transplant of his own kidney to a critically ill 11 year old girl and does not plan to play in the Yankees opener against the Angels in the ALCS. An administration spokesman says Obama's planned ascent of Everest on Sunday should go on as planned.

Day at the UN

Libyan leader Moamer Kadhafi and his twin brother Chico address the United Nations General Assembly at UN headquarters in New York. presenting his view of the world. Kadhafi defended his views saying, "Who are you going to believe, me or your own eyes?"

Jackson Completes Comeback

While many wept openly, Michael Jackson's brothers managed to remain composed during the emotional,star-studded memorial service for the King of Pop on Monday. As Jackson's body was taken from the memorial, the hearse carrying Jackson's body appeared to be moving backwards & forwards at the same time in apparent homage to Jackson's signature move.

The Evolution of Michael Jackson

Party On

In the wake of the second scandal involving extramarital affairs in a week, which de-railed a potential Republican party leader, RNC chairman Michael Steele has moved to limit damage to the party. Steele said, "The Republican party is a conservative party. Conservatives love family and consider marriage sacred. Second only to a day spent in church, extramarital affairs are clearly the lifeblood of bedrock conservatism. Many consider an enthusiastic extramarital roll in the hay to be a gift from God. The Democrats appalling lack of mistresses highlights their failure to follow the conservative Christian principals that have made this country great. We will continue to be the party that represents conservatives, their wives and their mistresses." Meanwhile, South Carolina Governor Mark Sanford admits to an extramarital affair with an Argentinean woman and apologized to his constituents for "not buying American."

Give Peace a Chance

WEIMAR, Germany – President Barack Obama toured a World War II concentration camp Friday and shared his format for middle east peace saying "all you need is love."

Money Well Spent

NEW YORK -- Jacob Frenkel, vice chairman of American International Group vows to go forward with the company's plan to "make it rain" to the tune of $165 million at, AIG's corporate offices, after receiving billions in taxpayer dollars. "Our people are kind of down right now", said Frenkel, "you know, almost bringing world's the financial system to it's knees and all has really taken it's toll. No one dreamed we had the cajones to do something like this, so I think it's really going to go over big with our employees." Acknowledging the fact that the American public is outraged at the prospect of hefty bonuses paid with taxpayer dollars to managers who, by any reasonable standard, have been utter failures, a spokesman referred to the company's new, post-bailout slogan "AIG: The Company You Hate."

Wall Street Beating

NEW YORK -- Many feared it was all over for CNBC's Jim Cramer after he was the totally dismembered on The Daily Show Thursday by host Jon Stewart . CNBC quickly dispatched Rick Santelli to Comedy Central's studio where he was able to "more of less" reassemble Cramer, although there is some question as to what brain Santelli used during the procedure.

Let's All Hug

NEW YORK - Radio host Rush Limbaugh today offered to meet with RNC chairman Michael Steele and former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich to settle their public squabbles. "We can meet in my sauna. I'll accept their apologies mano-a-mano."

Stem the Tide

WASHINGTON -- President Obama urged researchers "to follow science, not ideology" prior to abolishing contentious Bush-era restraints on stem-cell research.

No Appeal

WASHINGTON -- Radio talk show host Rush Limbaugh has called for the summary execution of RNC chairman Michael Steele following Steele's critical remarks during an interview. Senate Minority leader Mitch McConnell (R-KY) expressed shock and outrage at Limbaugh's "orders", before expressing regret that, "we'll just have to shoot Michael tomorrow." There is no word as to who will carry out the execution, but former Vice President Cheney has reportedly offered has services.

Calming the Markets

WASHINGTON -- Key Obama economic advisor reports, "things are going just fine."

Truth In Lending

NEW YORK – The government has announced that it plans to increase it's stake in Citigroup Inc. to approximately 40%. In keeping with President Obama's pledge of transparency in the financial bailout, the name will be changed to Shitigroup.

Octodaddy

LOS ANGELES -- The man who may be the sperm donor that octuplet mom Nadia Sulaiman used to create embryos, has demanded that paternity tests not be conducted to determine if he is the father of her 14 children. "What good can come of that?!" said Otto Gunther Octavius. "When I filled that little cup I didn't intend to field a team and fill the bench for the Crazytown Cubs. If I had known she planed to produce kids in Costco quantities, I'd have used a smaller cup."

Slumdog Squarepants

HOLLYWOOD -- The cast of the Indian film 'Slumdog Squarepants' celebrate their stunning success at the 81st Academy Awards on Sunday Night.

Heap Big Headache

HARTFORD – Geronimo's descendants have sued the secret Yale University society, Skull and Bones, which has had presidents, senators and other powerful figures as members, demanding the society return Geronimo's remains that were taken decades ago. Skull and Bones members admit to having Geronimo's skull and bones, his spurs that jingle jangle jingle and possibly his wallet but deny any wrongdoing. The secret society claims that Geronimo's last wish was that his remains be kept by rich white kids for use in demeaning rituals and pranks, and to remove the artifacts would be a disservice to the legend of the great Apache leader. Unofficially, the society believes that it may have to return Geronimo's bones to his family and has started searching for replacements. An official of Skull and Bones confirmed that talks are underway to obtain "the empty skull of George W. Bush, because it's clear he hasn't used it in years."

Kick the Can

PITTSBURGH -- Continuing what has become a public and abusive relationship, Steeler kicker Jeff Reed was arrested for assaulting his longtime companion, Towely, in the men's room of a Sheetz gas station Saturday night. Reportedly, Towely's refusal to, "Do the Larry Craig shuffle" angered Reed who proceeded in the words of one store employee to, "mop the floor with his buddy" until police were called.

Shakin' All Over

WASHINGTON -- In a slap to the congressional women's delegation, conservatives have removed a provision in the stimulus package that provided $17 million for vibrators for unemployed women. Disgruntled congresswoman Jan Schablowsky (D-IL) expressed her disappointment, "The public is already skeptical that this stimulus program will be effective. That portion of the package - called it the 'Happy Gal Provision' - was a stimulus that was absolutely guaranteed to work. This leaves women in congress very, very frustrated." In spite of Congresswoman Schablowsky's objections, the money was shifted to a provision subsidizing beer and pizza delivery during March Madness.

Innovative Solutions

WASHINGTON - Unable to reach a compromise on using tax cuts or spending as the proper way to stimulate the economy, congress opted instead to award a trillion dollar, no-bid contract to Halliburton to revive the economy. "As they have shown in Iraq, they can take taxpayer billions and sprinkle them like confetti all across the country", said house minority leader John Boehner, "we all know that Democrats can spend money with the best of them what we need in times like this are professionals. these guys can teach Wall Street a thing or two about making cash evaporate."
Democratic congressional leaders Nancy Pelosi, Steny Hoyer and chief Democratic negotiator Dr. Hugo Z. Hackenbush (pictured) expressed satisfaction with the compromise however President Obama has reportedly invited them to the White House to discuss the bill "over a couple cans of whup-ass."

High Degree of Difficulty

WASHINGTON -- Bankers react to the senate's version of the economic rescue package.

Motivator In Chief

WASHINGTON -- In his first prime time news conference, President Obama urged congress to "hurry up and pass that motherfucking economic stimulus bill."

Voice of Reason

WASHINGTON -- Rush Limbaugh addresses the Republican congressional delegation, stressing unity and referring to Democrats as "dogs" saying, "We must crush them, take their women, burn their crops and drive their children into the sea." Senate Minority Leader Mitch McConnell, (R-KY), was quoted as saying "That seems like a reasonable approach to doing what's right for the country."

Blame It On Little Debbie

NEW YORK -- Yankees slugger Alex Rodriguez is sticking by his claim that he has never used any performance enhancing drugs and attributes any changes in his appearance to an increased consumption of "little powdered sugar donuts."

Loyal Opposition

WASHINGTON -- Republican senators appear to be unified in their opposition to any economic bailout package that doesn't reinstate Ronald Regan as president.

Bipartisanship

WASHINGTON -- Senators fail to reach agreement on the contentious economic bailout package.

Exit Stage Right

WASHINGTON -- Former Sen. Tom Daschle, President Barack Obama's choice to head the Health and Human Services, leaves the capital in a car and driver supplied by a lobbying firm after withdrawing his name from consideration for the cabinet post.

Six More Months

PUNXSUTAWNEY -- A stunned Punxsutawney Phil reacts after emerging from his lair and taking a good look at his financial statements. The plucky groundhog called for "6 more months of economic nuclear winter."

Taxiderby

WASHINGTON -- Health and Human Services secretary-designate Tom Daschle pays all back taxes owed in cash, and throws in a little something for the IRS agents, prior to beginning confirmation hearings. Economists say that if all Obama cabinet appointees pay off their back taxes, the national deficit could be erased.

Six!

TAMPA -- The Arizona Cardinals bow to the Pittsburgh Steelers 27-23 in Super Bowl XLIII.

Seeing Red

TAMPA -- The Arizona Cardinals exude confidence as they study their playbooks in preparation for Sunday's Super Bowl.

Eight's Not Enough

WHITTIER - Only 4 months pregnant, the un-named woman who gave birth to octuplets poses with her existing children - who wear numbered jerseys for easier identification.

Bye Bye Blago

SPRINGFIELD -- Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich makes a last minute appeal to state legislators considering his impeachment with a presentation he called 'The Price Is Right'. Blagojevich offered luggage, appliances, vacations and "brand new cars" to state senators who appeared to be genuinely interested, but eventually voted to impeach the governor after receiving a substantial cash offer to appear on Larry King Live. Blagojevich clearly saw the writing on the wall and issued an eleventh hour order to the senate stating "I'm rubber and you're glue". The state supreme court has ruled the order unconstitutional.

Steelers Begin Final Super Bowl Preparations

Ben Rothlisberger performs the Steelers infamous 'That Tiger Will Eat You' drill as coach Mike Tomlin supervises.