Final Frontier

Obama appoints Chief Science Officer. Critics call the selection, "fascinating."

Energy Boost

WASHINGTON - President-elect Obama has chosen a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Dr. Hermann Strangelove, to be the next Energy Secretary. Strangelove vows to bring a unique approach to the nation's energy problems and is "very honored to serve mien fuehrer."

Home of the Blues

SPRINGFIELD -- Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich appears with staff members Jake and Ellwood Blues to offer his side of the story following his arrest for allegedly scheming to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat for cash or a plum job for himself. Blagojevich explained that he was working with the Blues brothers to raise cash to save the orphanage where they were raised saying "It was for The Penguin." Sister Mary Stigmata of The Sisters of Perpetual Flatulence, which runs the orphanage, confirmed the story, but in light of the arrests said "Well I guess we're fucked now."

Guilty In Gitmo

GUANTANAMO -- A drawing by courtroom artist Hanna Barberra, shows Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his attorney Charlie Little Feather, as Mohammed and four co-defendants, all members of the Water Buffalo Lodge terrorist group, plead guilty to planning the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. The court declined to hear character testimony from two former Mohammed associates: Mr. Barney Rubble and Mr. Slate.

Holy Bankruptcy!

WASHINGTON -- Increasingly desperate automakers today offered "Industry Executive Pricing", which translates to free cars, to all members of the Senate Banking Committee debating the fate of the auto industry bail out package. All other legislators would be offered the infamous "I Know a Guy...Pricing" which translates to implausibly good deals on cars in inventory. GM & Chrysler also offered to throw in mats and pinstriping, while Ford offered one year of satellite radio. All three said that their offers were contingent on passage of the bailout bill and would apply only to qualified legislators (those voting yes). Lawmakers voting against the bailout package would not be excluded, they would be eligible for a free tire rotation at any dealership in Hawaii.

No Regrets

NEW YORK -- In a wide ranging interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson, President Bush cited "faulty intelligence" as the biggest regret of his presidency; effectively blaming his parents for all his administration's troubles. The president followed up with, "Hey Charlie, pull my finger."

Water, Wine, Cabinet Positions

CHICAGO -- Obama and his inner circle finalized cabinet positions this week at a raucous dinner. Staffers marveled that in spite of the length of the festivities Obama always seemed to be able to miraculously produce a bottle of wine just when one was needed. In regard to the selection process, a top aide said, "Lo and it was good."

All Thai'd Up

BANGKOK - The prime minister of Thailand was ousted today after a long standoff by protesters who had shut down the country's airports. When four plucky tourists from Kansas, sick and tired of being stuck in the Bangkok airport, doused the Prime Minister with water, she promptly and unexpectedly melted while crying "my world, my world". Immediately surrounded by the Prime minister's security forces the four Americans stammered, "we didn't mean to kill her." But the elated troops treated the four like heroes and promised to take them to someone who could get them back to Kansas. Asked to comment on the prospect of finally getting a flight home the leader of the four, Dorothy Gale said, "there' no place like home."

It's a Recession!

WASHINGTON -- Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson reacts as he is presented with a healthy baby recession. Clearly uncomfortable with the prospect of providing the intense care demanded by the young recession, aides for Paulson say the Treasury Secretary plans to let his wife take care of it until he can arrange to have the recession adopted by his successor.

Ready, Fire, Aim

NEW YORK – New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress (pictured at the team's Meadowlands facility) accidentally shot himself in the leg at a Manhattan nightclub on Friday night. Burress was reportedly was trying to shoot himself in the foot, as he has done repeatedly this season. An attorney for Burress says he plans to turn himself in to police Monday morning in New York City and will plead not guilty to criminal possession of a weapon. Burress is not expected to make a statement to the media due to a jaw injury suffered the last time Burress stuck his foot in his mouth.

Let's All Bail Out

WASHINGTON - Citing "health concerns", reporters keep a safe distance from President Bush & Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson as they discuss the details of the Citibank bailout. The press corps has become concerned that the virulent strain of Incompetence carried by Bush, which has clearly infected Paulson, could be extremely contagious. NIH spokesman Benjamin Casey confirmed that President-elect Obama & his wife were inoculated prior to their White House meeting with the Bush's with an experimental vaccine. The drug was made following Vice President Cheney's last medical procedure; a tune up of his Cardio-impersonator. "Cheney has a very aggressive and potent strain of Incompetence - there is no hope for him. However, immunization based on that particular strain of Incompetence should be very effective." Casey noted that the vaccine was made without Cheney's knowledge explaining, "he doesn't like to help humans."

Auto Immune

DETROIT -- In an effort to boost the chances of a government funded bailout of the auto industry, GM Chairman Rick Wagoner trotted out a prototype of a new, cutting edge, eco-friendly car: the Chevy Batstard, a flex-fuel vehicle that can run either on dark matter or bat guano.

Welcome To Blair House

WASHINGTON -- Vice President Dick Cheney welcomes his successor, Joe Biden, to the vice president's official residence Thursday.

Transition 2

WASHINGTON -- After "substantive meetings and some Guitar Hero" at the White House today with President Bush, President elect Obama said, "I now have a much better understanding of why things are so fucked up."

Transition 1

President elect Barak Obama met with President Bush for the first time today. Much of Washington was destroyed.

Ho Down

NEW YORK – Federal prosecutors said Thursday that they will not bring criminal charges against former New York governor Eliot Spitzer for his role in a prostitution scandal. A relieved Spitzer said, "This certainly is good news, for me - and of course for the ladies. Client 9 is back in business baby." Spitzer's wife Silda has reportedly asked prosecutors to reconsider their decision.

Cabinet Maker

CHICAGO - President elect Barak Obama is wasting no time filling key administration positions, naming Illinois Rep. Rahm Emanuel as White House chief of staff and rapper Snoop Dogg as Secretary of Spleef.

Fight Club

BUSHWOOD -- Country clubs across the country are expecting the worst as conservative whites come to grips with their candidate's loss in the presidential election. Clubs feel it could be worse than the 'Green Jacket' riots of 2005 that left Men's Grills across the country in ashes following Tiger Woods victory in The Masters. One club pro said, "You've got a cranky white guy, a rich white guy, that they feel should continue the unbroken string of cranky, rich, white presidents that stretches back to our nation's founding." Angry club members threw drinks across verandas and punched holes in walls with long irons as the returns came in. Caddies and kitchen staff kept a low profile, fearful that outraged members could turn into a designer-clad mob at any moment.

Public courses across the country have stockpiled brie, scotch and imported beer and are prepared to accept refugees from private clubs.

Bowl Eligible

The Electoral College has convened and is prepared to bring a steady hand to Tuesday's election.

Voter Drive

With time fast running out, Republicans are "pulling out all the stops" to motivate reluctant voters to get to the polls.