Bye Bye Bieber

(LOS ANGELES) Justin Beiber made the world's Christmas dreams come true when he announced via twitter that he is retiring. Jews and Palestinians flooded the streets and embraced, the Syrian conflict all but evaporated, the US congress resigned en-masse saying, "We're sorry for letting you down and being total douchebags - you deserve better", as people worldwide realized what a post-Beiber era might mean. UN General Secretary Ban Ki-moon said, "Obviously we're ecstatic, I mean, everyone is - but the worst thing, I mean the worst thing that could happen to the entire planet is if this retirement thing is a hoax."

Dick Dynasty

Remarks by Duck Dynasty's Phil Robertson where he denounced gays for their "excellent design sense, attention to hygiene, literacy and damned niceness" has left the A&E network trying to appease both critics and fans of the hit show.  A&E has reached what they feel is an acceptable compromise. They plan to air new episodes, however the name of the show will be changed to 'Dick Dynasty.'

Romney Takes Mega Millions

SAN DIEGO  Former presidential candidate Mitt Romney was informed during a round of golf at Bushwood Country Club that he had won the MegaMillions jackpot worth over $600 million. After noting, "well, that's awkward," Romney vowed to use the money to help people in the 98th, 97th and even the 96th percentile reach the 99th. Following an uncomfortable pause, Romney's golfing partner, Judge Smails, turned to him and asked, "Top notch Mitt, top notch! How about double or nothing?"

Mandela Interpreter Signs Up

(PRETORIA) The sign language interpreter at Nelson Mandela's funeral service provided his own interpretation of remarks including appearing to be trapped in a box and engaging in a mock tug of war with an unseen opponent. A spokesman for South Africa's president, Jacob Zuma said the interpreter might not have gotten the gist of the remarks but, "he made it a hell of a lot more interesting for everyone." Lefty Sweezle of the Association of Sign Language Interpreters said the government has ignored them, "as usual our complaints have fallen on…. well you know."

Roman Boneyard

Pope Francis announcement that sacred Bones would be placed on display at the vatican has been greeted with great enthusiasm by the faithful.  

US and Canada Line Up

Toronto mayor Rob Ford and Congressman Trey Radel (R- Florida) announce their newly formed trade initiative: 'Blow For the Holidays.' Ford explained the organization's goals, "We plan to set up a multi-national network to discretely provide lawmakers - who don't have a problem - with what they need to effectively represent our constituents." Echoed Radel, "Amen to that brother, amen."

Weiner Vows to Give New York, "Everything I've Got"

Former congressman Anthony Weiner has thrown his hat, a condom and a sweaty thong in the ring, announcing his candidacy for the upcoming New York Mayoral race.  

Limbaugh Advertisers Line Up

ATLANTA - Conservative commentator Rush Limbaugh's use of "inappropriate words" to describe women, has created an advertising void on his radio program as many major sponsors have abandoned the show.  Waiting in the wings are several organizations who feel a close kinship to Rush's philosophies. The Klu Klux Klan and NAMBLA are reportedly eager to reach out to Rush's audience, "We believe we'll find a good match with Rush's demographics", said Grand Wizard Floyd Wiley. NAMBLA's Jasper Spanks said, "We certainly expect to feel the love from our advertising dollars, if you get my drift." Nevada's Wet Spot Gentlemen's Ranch feels advertising with Rush may be "the quickest way to reach folks interested in sluts and prostitutes." A Limbaugh spokesman reflected, "when god gives you lemons, you make lemonade."

Limbaugh Goes Celibate

LITTLE ROCK - Rush Limbaugh brushes off outrage from women over his birth control "slut" comments and his demand that women using birth control post sex videos for the rotund commentator's viewing pleasure . Limbaugh claims he's unconcerned about the controversy, saying, "look, I don't plan on ever, ever, in my wildest dreams, getting laid again anyway. This pretty much ought to guarantee I achieve that goal."

Romney, Santorum Vie for Title

ATLANTA - In yet another position reversal, Republican contender Mitt Romney has assured voters that he is indeed "just as crazy" as primary foe Rick Santorum and stating that he is "campaigning as a severely crazy conservative" after earlier characterizing Santorum as "a whackjob, lunatic who wouldn't recognize a sane policy if it were giving him a lap dance." Romney's newly confessed mental issues may do little to convince conservatives who continue to question his commitment to their Flat Earth and Ancient Aliens policies. Romney hopes that this week's expected Bigfoot endorsement will bring some of these skeptics into his camp. 

Comedians Mourn Weiner Announcement

LONDON - Comedians worldwide reacted with shock and horror to the news that Rep. Anthony Weiner had resigned. "It's as though millions of jokes were snuffed out before they even had a chance," noted a shaken Arlene Frisbane, moments before taking the stage at the Funny Bone in Pittsburgh. "Thank God we still have Joe Biden and Newt Gingrich." The comedy world will have to adjust to the loss of a punchline-rich motherlode, the likes of which hadn't been seen since Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face over 4 years ago. "Can we go on without Weiner jokes?" asked one comedian, "Absolutely. But you'll hear the sadness in our voices each time we pass one up."

White Confirms Unwelcome Weiner

NEW YORK - Actress Betty White confirmed that Congressman Anthony Weiner emailed her pictures of himself wearing nothing but Depends adult diapers. White said Weiner sent the picture during an email exchange concerning senior healthcare. , "Out of the blue he sends me the picture, then asks me if I ever used a walker naked." 

Bachman Turns It Up

NEW HAMPSHIRE - Supporters of congresswoman Michelle Bachman erupt with joy at the official announcement of her presidential campaign. Bachman appears to have narrowly edged out Rick Santorum for support among the Clinically Insane, a key Republican demographic, while both candidates have been strongly encouraged to run by comedians.

Staff Boots Newt

ATLANTA - The entire top level of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff (left) prepares to submit their formal resignations from his campaign yesterday. Campaign manager Skip Nickels cited "concerns over the direction of the campaign" as the reason for the resignations, saying, "Death spiral is a bad direction in just about any circumstance." A feisty Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign saying, "Reality never stopped me before."

Put That Weiner to Work

WASHINGTON - Haines has reportedly inked a lucrative endorsement / modeling deal with Rep Anthony Weiner (D-NY) to promote their new 'CareerWrecker' line of boxer briefs. Available in "a rainbow of photogenic, social-media friendly colors", Haines hopes the product will stand out on your computer as well as national news programs. Weiner initially denied involvement with the product rollout, then reversed his position, admitting, "CareerWrecker seems like a perfect fit for me at this time." 

What a Weiner

WASHINGTON - Rep Anthony Weiner (D-NY) delivers a dissertation on the topic of 'Irony' to media assembled at the Capital on Monday.

Terminator 4: End of Marriage

HOLLYWOOD - Associates have reported increasingly bizarre behavior by Arnold Schwarzenegger as Maria Shriver prepares to file for divorce.

Newtwear

See the complete line of Newt Gingrich signature Coronation-wear at Tiffany & Co.

Santorum Tortures America

PENNSYLTUCKY - Former senator Rick Santorum (Left) said in a recent interview that long-tortured POW John McCain does not "understand how enhanced interrogation works." McCain noted, "Anyone who's heard Rick Santorum speak is familiar with torture." During the interview Santorum also observed: "Stephen Hawking doesn't have a clue about ALS", "B.B. King could learn a lot from white people about the blues" and "Dr. Phil may be the greatest philosopher of our time." The former senator also said, "Barry Bonds probably does understand exactly how steroids work."  

Riddle Me This, Al Qaeda

WAZIZSTAN - Al Qaeda has named The Riddler as interim operational leader to take over day to day operations of the terror organization. Wiley E. Coyote, Al Qaeda's media representative explained, "We've been running really short on 'clever' lately. But I think we really hit a home run with this guy."