Comedians Mourn Weiner Announcement

LONDON - Comedians worldwide reacted with shock and horror to the news that Rep. Anthony Weiner had resigned. "It's as though millions of jokes were snuffed out before they even had a chance," noted a shaken Arlene Frisbane, moments before taking the stage at the Funny Bone in Pittsburgh. "Thank God we still have Joe Biden and Newt Gingrich." The comedy world will have to adjust to the loss of a punchline-rich motherlode, the likes of which hadn't been seen since Dick Cheney shot his friend in the face over 4 years ago. "Can we go on without Weiner jokes?" asked one comedian, "Absolutely. But you'll hear the sadness in our voices each time we pass one up."

White Confirms Unwelcome Weiner

NEW YORK - Actress Betty White confirmed that Congressman Anthony Weiner emailed her pictures of himself wearing nothing but Depends adult diapers. White said Weiner sent the picture during an email exchange concerning senior healthcare. , "Out of the blue he sends me the picture, then asks me if I ever used a walker naked." 

Bachman Turns It Up

NEW HAMPSHIRE - Supporters of congresswoman Michelle Bachman erupt with joy at the official announcement of her presidential campaign. Bachman appears to have narrowly edged out Rick Santorum for support among the Clinically Insane, a key Republican demographic, while both candidates have been strongly encouraged to run by comedians.

Staff Boots Newt

ATLANTA - The entire top level of Newt Gingrich's campaign staff (left) prepares to submit their formal resignations from his campaign yesterday. Campaign manager Skip Nickels cited "concerns over the direction of the campaign" as the reason for the resignations, saying, "Death spiral is a bad direction in just about any circumstance." A feisty Gingrich vowed to continue his campaign saying, "Reality never stopped me before."

Put That Weiner to Work

WASHINGTON - Haines has reportedly inked a lucrative endorsement / modeling deal with Rep Anthony Weiner (D-NY) to promote their new 'CareerWrecker' line of boxer briefs. Available in "a rainbow of photogenic, social-media friendly colors", Haines hopes the product will stand out on your computer as well as national news programs. Weiner initially denied involvement with the product rollout, then reversed his position, admitting, "CareerWrecker seems like a perfect fit for me at this time." 

What a Weiner

WASHINGTON - Rep Anthony Weiner (D-NY) delivers a dissertation on the topic of 'Irony' to media assembled at the Capital on Monday.

Terminator 4: End of Marriage

HOLLYWOOD - Associates have reported increasingly bizarre behavior by Arnold Schwarzenegger as Maria Shriver prepares to file for divorce.

Newtwear

See the complete line of Newt Gingrich signature Coronation-wear at Tiffany & Co.

Santorum Tortures America

PENNSYLTUCKY - Former senator Rick Santorum (Left) said in a recent interview that long-tortured POW John McCain does not "understand how enhanced interrogation works." McCain noted, "Anyone who's heard Rick Santorum speak is familiar with torture." During the interview Santorum also observed: "Stephen Hawking doesn't have a clue about ALS", "B.B. King could learn a lot from white people about the blues" and "Dr. Phil may be the greatest philosopher of our time." The former senator also said, "Barry Bonds probably does understand exactly how steroids work."  

Riddle Me This, Al Qaeda

WAZIZSTAN - Al Qaeda has named The Riddler as interim operational leader to take over day to day operations of the terror organization. Wiley E. Coyote, Al Qaeda's media representative explained, "We've been running really short on 'clever' lately. But I think we really hit a home run with this guy." 

The Govinseminator

HOLLYWOOD - Former California Governor Arnold Schwarzenegger has admitted to fathering a child with a household employee more than a decade ago. Schwarzenegger told an interviewer that he regretted the affair mostly because the woman, "really, really looks like Danny DeVito." 

Trump Says Hairwell

NEW YORK - Donald Trump has decided not to pursue the Republican presidential nomination. The real estate developer cited his desire "to spend more time with my hairstylist" as his main reason for leaving the race.  

Huckabye-bye

NEW YORK - Former Arkansas governor Mike Huckabee announced on his Fox TV show 'Gravy Train' that he will not seek the Republican Presidential nomination. Huckabee explained his decision, "Well, if you have been paying attention you'd know that the rapture is going to happen Saturday and a lot of us good Christians aren't going to be around. There's a very good chance that I may announce on Monday that I'm running for president of heaven." Huckabee said he wishes the best to "those who will remain here to suffer and die" and noted, "Some of us will be gone, but I'm pretty sure Republican voters will still have Gingrich, Trump, Palin and Bachman to work with."

Pakistrategy

ISLAMABAD - Fearing that the US will use it in service of their outrage over Osama Bin Laden's long and comfy residence in their country, the Pakistani government has preemptively trademarked the phrase "How dare you" The Pakistanis' plan to employ it to promote their own outrage over the commando raid that killed Bin Laden. They also plan to roll it out against charges of complicity with Bin Laden at the highest levels of their government. Almost immediately after the Pakistani move, the Obama administration countered by trademarking the phrase "Are you fucking kidding me?" An administration source says that the phrase will be "Incredibly useful in our future dealings with Pakistan."  

Ladies Choice

MOUNT PILOT - Newt Gingrich is confident that voters have moved past his serial philandering, history of divorcing women with cancer, reprehensible personal behavior and are ready to elect him president of the United States. A confident Gingrich said, "The voters know what I can do for the country, they remember the Contract On America. They've forgotten about my personal issues just like I have. In fact, the only time I think about my wives is when I hear the word 'plaintiff.'"

The Empire Strikes Back

WASHINGTON - Early Sunday morning, President Obama authorized use of 'the force' to take out Osama Bin Laden.

Virgin Shortage Reported

AFTERLIFE - Osama Bin Laden is reportedly very disappointed with the quality of the 72 virgins he received after his death. "I know there's been a run on them lately, but c'mon" said the terrorist mastermind, "eternity is really going to seem like eternity." 

Osama Bin Shot

ISLAMABAD- The US confirmed tonight that they have killed Osama Bim Laden relying on a special forces operative who, in the words of the president,  "possessed true grit."
Pakistani officials struggled to explain how Bin Laden could have been openly living less than an hour from their nation's capital, "In our defense, he was wearing an elaborate disguise - as Osama Bin Laden. It's a very popular disguise here. Boy, he really fooled us."

World Sleeps Through Royal Wedding

LONDON - Millions worldwide who have been eagerly anticipating the wedding of Prince William to Katherine Middleton at Westminster Abbey were put quickly to sleep by the inescapable plodding dullness of the proceedings. Even the most excited royal watchers drifted off as though affected by a powerful sedative within minutes after the ceremony began. "Buggers!!! I missed it," said Clarice Rigby who had spent every waking moment for the past six months preparing for the wedding, "but I had a lovely nap."

New Obama Birther Controversy

WASHINGTON - President Obama posted  a copy of his “long-form” birth certificate from the state of Hawaii on Wednesday, which may finally end the long-simmering conspiracy theory among some conservatives that Obama was not born in the United States and was not a legitimate president. White House communications director Dan Pfeiffer noted that an irrefutable birth certificate may not end the controversy, "They'd have to to read it. It involves reading. Birthers aren't particularly good at reading." The certificate itself has immediately created another issue since it lists the birthplace of his father, 'Smokin' Jor-El Obama, as the planet Krypton. Pfeiffer acknowledged that the media would have a field day with the new information and added, "we can't wait to see what Trump does with it."