Wall to Wall to Mexico

HOUSTON   Republican Front Runner Donald Trump claimed that the plans for his Border Wall with Mexico, "Are really coming together. I'm signing up contractors left and right and let me tell you, I will only work with contractors who have a history with minorities and I can say that some these folks truly are wizards."

Jeb Unveils New Logo

Donald Trumps Pope

LAS VEGAS  Reacting swiftly to Pope Francis' position that he is "not a Christian" because of his position on immigration, Donald Trump took the offensive, "Pope Francis is going to be soooo sorry he questioned my faith. You know what, nothing says I can't be both President and Pope; so as of right now, I'm also running or Pope. Look the Catholics love me, I have a great relationship with them. Frankly, many Catholics tell me they would kill to have a pope like me." Asked how he could run for an office that was not vacant, Trump stated, "My people assure me that it's no problem. We're already printing the 'Make the Vatican Great Again' hats.

Cam Nails It

SAN FRANCISCO   Following his post Super Bowl news conference, Cam Newton has shot to the top of the Republican presidential field just one day before the New Hampshire primary. Newton answered only seven questions, giving mostly one word answers. His performance clearly outstripped all participants in Saturday's Republican debate for thoughtfullness, clarity and detailed policy proposals. Also surging in Republican polls are political outsiders: Beyonce, Johnny Manziel and The Cohen Brothers who Chris Christie dismissed as, "Booty, batty and technically brilliant."  

Jesus Endorses Trump

DES MOINES  Donald Trump scored a surprise endorsement just in time for the Iowa caucus vote on Monday when Jesus Christ appeared at a rally to offer his endorsement to the business magnate.  Jesus appeared on stage, healed a blind man and said what separated Trump from the other candidates is, "Donald Trump doesn't even pretend to be likable or socially aware. He doesn't care that he's creepy. Frankly it's a miracle that anyone likes him."  When asked if he could help Trump with his hair, Jesus said "There's no reason to, it's a miracle as it is. And you know what? That makes him one miracle shy of sainthood! What other candidate can say that?" A humble Trump joked with the Savior saying, "Us kings of kings have to stick together."

Trump Claims Immunity

NEW YORK   Donald Trump expressed confidence on Saturday that he could "Stand on New York's fifth Avenue and shoot people" and not lose voters. "This is not an idle threat" said Trump aide Lonnie Stickler, "you know he's packing." Trump reportedly has tried out this theme in campaign strategy sessions, 'I could drown puppies in french dressing and not lose voters', 'I could hurl kittens off Trump Tower into a bubbling cauldron and not lose support', "I could run with scissors through Times Square in my panda-fur coat, groping pregnant women - and not lose votes.' One concerned staffer noted, "Maybe he's getting a little carried away with this theme." Asked if Trump really does have a panda-fur coat, the staffer said,"Absolutely not, but I think Chris Christi does."

Palin Falls Flat

LAS VEGAS  Sarah Palin's endorsement of Donald Trump's presidential campaign is drawing mixed reviews from the conservative base. Registered voters at Sunrise Farms Sanatorium had been evenly split between between Trump and Ted Cruz, and that didn't change. "I love slam poetry so her speech was cool," said long time inmate Billy Sneegle, "but she sounds just like the voice that keeps telling me to kill people, so it was a little off-putting." Many residents say that their vote is medication dependent, "If I don't take 'em, Cruz starts to make sense" said Sneegle.

Pope Performs Miracle in Washington

WASHINGTON   Pope Francis has climbed the first step towards sainthood by performing his first confirmed miracle while on his historic trip to the United States. His simple, heartfelt words on the importance of family, on working together, on global warming - miraculously convinced Speaker John Boehner to resign his leadership post and his seat in congress "for the good of America." The pope downplayed the event saying, "Now you know why Trump won't meet with me."

Stating the Obvious

NEW YORK   Following his appearance on the premier episode of 'The Late Show with Steven Colbert', the Secret Service has taken the unusual step of determining the code name they will use if and when Jeb! Bush becomes eligible for Secret Service protection. Secret Service code names strive to sum up the character of the person succinctly; for Mr. Bush they plan to go with: "Al Gore."

Iran Deal Passes the Cheney Test

LARAMIE   Former Vice President Dick Cheney's vehement opposition to the President's Iran nuclear plan has undercut the rest of the Republican party's plan to derail the deal. "History tells us that Dick Cheney never met a bad idea he didn't like. Almost no one bats .1000, but he's done it." said Republican strategy Snip Diddler. "Domestic policy: Katrina, foreign policy: 'we'll be greeted as liberators', economic policy: derivatives and destroying manufacturing. It's actually uncanny, it's like Cheney has a magnetic attraction to awful ideas. The man couldn't recognize sound policy if it were giving him a lap dance."

Republican candidates are clearly uncomfortable when Cheney's name is brought into the Iran deal discussion. A top Republican aide commented off the record, "We really think it's a bad deal, but Dick Cheney's opposition instantly makes it look like it's good for America. It's a tough position."

God Speaks About Kentucky Clerk

LEXINGTON   Rowan County clerk Kim Davis is citing "God's authority" as her reason for refusing to issue same sex marriage licenses even after losing her supreme court appeal. In a rare move, God has issued a statement distancing himself from Ms Davis, "Kim Davis appears to be a confused soul, a frumpy county employee who somehow got a cross stuck up her butt. Perhaps demons are causing her to blame me for her lack of job performance, but the truth is I did not lend my authority to her or Rowan County Kentucky and I've got to say her claim is absolutely not kosher. I suggest that she get to work issuing marriage licenses to whoever wants one, lest she face some biblical style wrath from me. And really, she needs to do something with that hair, it's not 1963."

Basic Instinct

CLEVELAND  Polling from the first Republican debate showed one thing: even dogs hate Ted Cruz. Mitzy Bonobo from Harrisburg, owner of a mixed breed named Fritz said, "Fritz never growls at anyone, but when he hears Ted Cruz, he foams at the mouth, I have to lock him in my bedroom and put on smooth jazz to calm him down." It appears that this is not an unusual sentiment. Across breeds, almost all dogs appear to hate Senator Cruz - as do babies, toddlers, nuns and interestingly - pandas. Docile Pandas react placidly to almost any stimulus, but writhe, hold their ears and roll on the ground when exposed to Ted Cruz rhetoric.  Polling even worse among dogs was former senator Santorum's performance in the earlier 'Kids Table Debate.' When exposed to his debate audio, dogs shook, whined and in some cases even vomited. Reportedly, the Humane Society of America spokesman Rick Shed said, "Dogs are excellent judges of character, we will not play audio from future republican debates in our facilities on humanitarian grounds."

Palmer Sets Sights on Shamu

1.  MINNEAPOLIS  Big game serial killer and fugitive dentist Walter Palmer is reportedly making good use of his time in hiding.  While his practice remains shuttered due to the firestorm of outrage following his killing of beloved Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe, rumors swirl regarding Palmer's plans to add an Orca to his trophy room. Palmer reportedly told friends he'd purchased permits to hunt an Orca killer whale in the San Diego area. Associates say that Palmer told them "It's all perfectly legal. I got the permits from the a Nigerian prince; it's game on. I'm very excited?" As a result of the rumors, SeaWorld is stepping up security. Spokesman Mike Nelson said, "We're on high alert. While it would be extremely difficult to lure Shamu off the property, orcas will do just about anything for a couple of fresh mackerel. We can't be too careful." Meanwhile, the grieving continues for Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe, one Wildlife Parks official, dejectedly noted, "It's very sad, hunters without testicles are always the cruelest." 

Drive Angry 2: BridgeGate to Hell

(HOLLYWOOD)  Joisey Films has reportedly green lighted Drive Angry 2: BridgeGate to Hell.  the film will be based on the governor's own million dollar investigation which completely exonerated Christie and blamed the infamous lane closures and traffic problems squarely on Obamacare and Hillary Clinton's actions in Bengazi.
    In the film, undead criminal Nik Cage faces off against  fictional political boss Chris 'Extra' Crispi. The only thing separating them is the terrorist occupied George Washington Bridge and the treatments Cage can now receive for his preexisting undead condition. Release is targeted for just before the mid-term elections.

"Vader" is Ukrainian for Putin

KIEV  Secretary of State John Kerry received an urgent message from the acting Ukrainian Prime Minister today appealing for assistance in dealing with Russia's power grab.  For the time being, Kerry has ruled out use of the force.

Disney on Ice

SOCHI   Disney Corporation has filed suit against  gold medal ice dancers Meryl Davis and Charley White today charging that the skaters have infringed on characters from their movies 'Aladdin' and 'Pocahontis.'  Citing the fact that they exist in three dimensions, Davis and White have filed a motion to have the suit dismissed.

Russians Take the Sport Out of Curling

SOCHI  Pandemonium reined today at the Curling competition in Sochi when the Russians ran out of beer mid-competition.  "This is curling isn't it?" fumed Irish curler Brian O'Floozin, "why don't we try it without ice too." Canadian seeker Gordon Stoner echoed the sentiment, "Who understands the importance of drinking to curling - hell, to life - better than Russians." Security personnel at the venue promised to make sure coolers were stocked for the finals and vowed to find the culprits in the beer heist, "after we have a little nap."

Godzilla's Quest for Corvettes

BOWLING GREEN, KY   A state of emergency has been declared in Kentucky after Godzilla's search for classic sports cars led him to erupt from a giant sinkhole under the Corvette Museum.  As cars tumbled and the floor collapsed, Godzilla emerged roaring, then, "He giggled like a little girl," said museum curator Sy Berglas, "as soon as he saw the '63.  He may destroy cities, but that reptile's got good taste" The National Guard hopes to lure Godzilla to a remote area with a '74 AMC Hornet disguised as a rare 1958 Vette ragtop.  Explained the Guard's Captain Ed Spinkle, "Everyone knows those Hornets are the kiss of death."  

Taking Matters Into Their Own Hands

WASHINGTON, DC   House Speaker John Boehner today announced that the Republican congressional delegation plans to, "Retire to our offices and masturbate for the remainder of President Obama's term."  He explained his strategy, "It is literally the only thing we can agree on.  Immigration, debt ceiling, unemployment benefits - there is absolutely no consensus there.  But three years of me-time alone in our offices, everyone's on board with that."   When he was asked if this could be the last straw for their constituents, Boehner shrugged and said, "I don't think so, it's basically what we've been doing for the last 5 years."

Groundhog Picks Seahawks

(PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA)  Weather seer and Al Roker impersonator Punxsutawney Phil did double duty yesterday, predicting what everyone already knew about this winter and correctly calling the Seahawks Super Bowl blowout of the Denver Broncos.  "The Seahawks are going to roll the Broncos," said Phil, "I see a safety early, a kickoff return to open the second half and a scowl that never leaves Peyton's face.  I have no idea why you clowns only ask me about the weather, you should try holding me up in front of a March Madness Bracket."  The confident ground hog then whipped out a wad of cash and started placing his Super Bowl bets, "First I'm taking the over on the national anthem, then I'll run the table from there.  I hope to rake in enough to move to Florida; Punxsutawney sucks in the winter."