No Contest

Time Magazine names Christmas Eve killer Bruce Pardo 'Asshole of the Year'. Pardo easily beat the odds-on favorite: Tom Cruise.

Big (White) Tent

NASHVILLE -- Candidate for the leadership of the Republican National Committee, Representative Chip Saltsman (R-TN), appears at fundraiser titled 'It's Not Racism, It's Satire'. Asked about the apparent insensitivity of the event, Saltsman said, "I think most people recognize political satire when they see it. I think RNC members understand that."

All I Want

WASHINGTON -- White House Spokeswoman Dana Perino confirmed today that President Bush received coal in his stocking, but insisted, "that's what he asked for."

Face Off

CLEVELAND -- Doctors at the Cleveland Clinic released details of the near total face transplant performed earlier this week, explaining, "This educated professional woman was seriously handicapped and humiliated by her appearance. Doctors called the operation a complete success and said the patient is 'thrilled' at her new looks."

Oz Has Spoken

NEW YORK - Investors react as Bernard Madoff's investment empire is exposed as a massive fraud

Famous Footwear

GREEN ZONE - In a surprise move, the Detroit Lions have signed the Iraqi Journalist who threw shoes at President Bush in Baghdad on Sunday. Excited team owner William Clay Ford said, "Now that's the kind of arm we've been looking for."

Cleaning House

WASHINGTON -- Homeland Security Secretary Michael Chertoff is pictured with members of the crew from a Washington DC cleaning company that has cleaned his house for the past three years. Chertoff says that he was stunned to learn that there were illegal aliens on the crew.

Final Frontier

Obama appoints Chief Science Officer. Critics call the selection, "fascinating."

Energy Boost

WASHINGTON - President-elect Obama has chosen a Nobel Prize-winning physicist, Dr. Hermann Strangelove, to be the next Energy Secretary. Strangelove vows to bring a unique approach to the nation's energy problems and is "very honored to serve mien fuehrer."

Home of the Blues

SPRINGFIELD -- Illinois Gov. Rod Blagojevich appears with staff members Jake and Ellwood Blues to offer his side of the story following his arrest for allegedly scheming to sell Barack Obama's vacant Senate seat for cash or a plum job for himself. Blagojevich explained that he was working with the Blues brothers to raise cash to save the orphanage where they were raised saying "It was for The Penguin." Sister Mary Stigmata of The Sisters of Perpetual Flatulence, which runs the orphanage, confirmed the story, but in light of the arrests said "Well I guess we're fucked now."

Guilty In Gitmo

GUANTANAMO -- A drawing by courtroom artist Hanna Barberra, shows Khalid Sheikh Mohammed and his attorney Charlie Little Feather, as Mohammed and four co-defendants, all members of the Water Buffalo Lodge terrorist group, plead guilty to planning the Sept. 11, 2001, attacks. The court declined to hear character testimony from two former Mohammed associates: Mr. Barney Rubble and Mr. Slate.

Holy Bankruptcy!

WASHINGTON -- Increasingly desperate automakers today offered "Industry Executive Pricing", which translates to free cars, to all members of the Senate Banking Committee debating the fate of the auto industry bail out package. All other legislators would be offered the infamous "I Know a Guy...Pricing" which translates to implausibly good deals on cars in inventory. GM & Chrysler also offered to throw in mats and pinstriping, while Ford offered one year of satellite radio. All three said that their offers were contingent on passage of the bailout bill and would apply only to qualified legislators (those voting yes). Lawmakers voting against the bailout package would not be excluded, they would be eligible for a free tire rotation at any dealership in Hawaii.

No Regrets

NEW YORK -- In a wide ranging interview with ABC's Charlie Gibson, President Bush cited "faulty intelligence" as the biggest regret of his presidency; effectively blaming his parents for all his administration's troubles. The president followed up with, "Hey Charlie, pull my finger."

Water, Wine, Cabinet Positions

CHICAGO -- Obama and his inner circle finalized cabinet positions this week at a raucous dinner. Staffers marveled that in spite of the length of the festivities Obama always seemed to be able to miraculously produce a bottle of wine just when one was needed. In regard to the selection process, a top aide said, "Lo and it was good."

All Thai'd Up

BANGKOK - The prime minister of Thailand was ousted today after a long standoff by protesters who had shut down the country's airports. When four plucky tourists from Kansas, sick and tired of being stuck in the Bangkok airport, doused the Prime Minister with water, she promptly and unexpectedly melted while crying "my world, my world". Immediately surrounded by the Prime minister's security forces the four Americans stammered, "we didn't mean to kill her." But the elated troops treated the four like heroes and promised to take them to someone who could get them back to Kansas. Asked to comment on the prospect of finally getting a flight home the leader of the four, Dorothy Gale said, "there' no place like home."

It's a Recession!

WASHINGTON -- Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson reacts as he is presented with a healthy baby recession. Clearly uncomfortable with the prospect of providing the intense care demanded by the young recession, aides for Paulson say the Treasury Secretary plans to let his wife take care of it until he can arrange to have the recession adopted by his successor.

Ready, Fire, Aim

NEW YORK – New York Giants wide receiver Plaxico Burress (pictured at the team's Meadowlands facility) accidentally shot himself in the leg at a Manhattan nightclub on Friday night. Burress was reportedly was trying to shoot himself in the foot, as he has done repeatedly this season. An attorney for Burress says he plans to turn himself in to police Monday morning in New York City and will plead not guilty to criminal possession of a weapon. Burress is not expected to make a statement to the media due to a jaw injury suffered the last time Burress stuck his foot in his mouth.

Let's All Bail Out

WASHINGTON - Citing "health concerns", reporters keep a safe distance from President Bush & Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson as they discuss the details of the Citibank bailout. The press corps has become concerned that the virulent strain of Incompetence carried by Bush, which has clearly infected Paulson, could be extremely contagious. NIH spokesman Benjamin Casey confirmed that President-elect Obama & his wife were inoculated prior to their White House meeting with the Bush's with an experimental vaccine. The drug was made following Vice President Cheney's last medical procedure; a tune up of his Cardio-impersonator. "Cheney has a very aggressive and potent strain of Incompetence - there is no hope for him. However, immunization based on that particular strain of Incompetence should be very effective." Casey noted that the vaccine was made without Cheney's knowledge explaining, "he doesn't like to help humans."

Auto Immune

DETROIT -- In an effort to boost the chances of a government funded bailout of the auto industry, GM Chairman Rick Wagoner trotted out a prototype of a new, cutting edge, eco-friendly car: the Chevy Batstard, a flex-fuel vehicle that can run either on dark matter or bat guano.

Welcome To Blair House

WASHINGTON -- Vice President Dick Cheney welcomes his successor, Joe Biden, to the vice president's official residence Thursday.

Transition 2

WASHINGTON -- After "substantive meetings and some Guitar Hero" at the White House today with President Bush, President elect Obama said, "I now have a much better understanding of why things are so fucked up."

Transition 1

President elect Barak Obama met with President Bush for the first time today. Much of Washington was destroyed.

Ho Down

NEW YORK – Federal prosecutors said Thursday that they will not bring criminal charges against former New York governor Eliot Spitzer for his role in a prostitution scandal. A relieved Spitzer said, "This certainly is good news, for me - and of course for the ladies. Client 9 is back in business baby." Spitzer's wife Silda has reportedly asked prosecutors to reconsider their decision.

Cabinet Maker

CHICAGO - President elect Barak Obama is wasting no time filling key administration positions, naming Illinois Rep. Rahm Emanuel as White House chief of staff and rapper Snoop Dogg as Secretary of Spleef.

Fight Club

BUSHWOOD -- Country clubs across the country are expecting the worst as conservative whites come to grips with their candidate's loss in the presidential election. Clubs feel it could be worse than the 'Green Jacket' riots of 2005 that left Men's Grills across the country in ashes following Tiger Woods victory in The Masters. One club pro said, "You've got a cranky white guy, a rich white guy, that they feel should continue the unbroken string of cranky, rich, white presidents that stretches back to our nation's founding." Angry club members threw drinks across verandas and punched holes in walls with long irons as the returns came in. Caddies and kitchen staff kept a low profile, fearful that outraged members could turn into a designer-clad mob at any moment.

Public courses across the country have stockpiled brie, scotch and imported beer and are prepared to accept refugees from private clubs.

Bowl Eligible

The Electoral College has convened and is prepared to bring a steady hand to Tuesday's election.

Voter Drive

With time fast running out, Republicans are "pulling out all the stops" to motivate reluctant voters to get to the polls.

Race Tightens

With just days to go, polls show the presidential race is tightening.

Obamercial

Barak Obama will explain his plan to rescue the economy with three easy payments of $13.33 plus shipping and handling in a pre-paid address tonight on 4 major TV networks.

Legal Precedent

WASHINGTON -- Clearly devastated by the first loss of his distinguished career, attorney Perry Mason accompanies a grim Alaska Senator Ted Stevens following the guilty verdict in his corruption trial.

Greenspannng the Globe

WASHINGTON -- Testifying before congress Thursday, former Fed chairman Alan Greenspan did not accept blame for the current economic crisis but did say, "My bad."

Bold Moves

WASHINGTON -- President Bush urges banks to incerase the pace at which they are loosening credit "or I will kill the kitty."

Open Season

John McCain and Barak Obama find little common ground in their contentious third presidential debate.

Treasury Scores Big

WASHINGTON -- Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson looks on as the government's plan to intervene directly in the nation's banking system gets underway.

Apology Accepted

Sarah Palin demands an apology from the head of the investigation that concluded she abused her power as governor of Alaska

Keating 5

SEDONA -- John McCain opens up about his days with the Keating 5, " I don't know why it was such a big deal, we were just a bunch of kids with a dream. But let me tell you one thing my friends, we were real toe tappers."

That Sinking Feeling

NEW YORK -- Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson and Fed chairman Ben Bernanke admit that following Wednesday's Fed rate cut, they no longer have enough lifeboats to rescue the economy. However both say they can accommodate all the bankers in first class.

Change of Venue

LOS ANGELES -- OJ Simpson says that having completed his search of every golf course in the country, he should now have better luck finding "the real killers" working from the inside of the federal prison system.

Palinocchio

DENVER -- Republican Sarah Palin repeats her claim that Barak Obama is "palling around with terrorists who hate America even more than he does" at a campaign stop in Colorado. The McCain campaign defended the claim saying, "We have all the facts on our website, just click the 'hey look what we just made up' link."

Foreign Policy for $100

ST LOUIS -- The McCain campaign reveals the prep format used by Sarah Palin for the Vice Presidential debate.

Always Ready

WASHINGTON -- Following his address to the nation on Tuesday, President Bush has reportedly reached agreement with pharmaceutical giant Pfizer to become "The Voice and Face of Impotence" - as the spokesman for Viagra. Pfizer spokesman Woody Harden announced the deal, "The president's handling of the economic crisis has solidified his position as the most highly visible, yet clearly impotent face in the world. Our message is if Viagra can help someone like Bush, it can help anyone." The president will reportedly donate any proceeds from the endorsement deal to the financial bailout.

For Our Next Trick...

Democratic party leaders and representitives of the house 'fiscal conservatives' meet with the press following the failure of the financial bailout bill in the House Monday.

World of Witchcraft

WASHINGTON -- Sarah Palin and staff members discuss strategy for addressing the controversial videotape of her pastor praying that she be protected from witchcraft. The person who released the tape to the media has reportedly been turned into a newt.

Let's Debate - Not!

NEW YORK -- Citing his problems with using "the email" to keep in contact with fast-moving negotiations regarding the federal financial bailout, Senator John McCain today called for a suspension of both presidential campaigns and a delay of Friday's scheduled debate. McCain explained his rational, "At this critical time I'd just like to get all the parties in one room so they can talk to each other on their Blackberry's - which as you know, I invented." When the senator was reminded that key players could speak to each other anywhere in the world on their Blackberry's McCain said, "Really? Those things are the cat's pajamas." When asked what she thought of the suspension of the campaign, Sarah Palin replied, "I'm not allowed to talk to reporters."

No Pesky Questions

NEW YORK - Sarah Palin banned reporters from her first meetings with world leaders Tuesday, allowing access only to photographers and a television crew. The McCain-Palin campaign blamed "the liberal media" for the ban saying, "When the media stops treating Sarah Palin like she's an idiot, like she can't be trusted to conduct herself in public, and like she doesn't have a clue; the McCain campaign will stop treating her the same way."

During their meeting, Palin reportedly told Afghan President Hamid Karzai, "Hey I have a skirt just like yours!"

Luck of the Bankers

WASHINGTON -- In an effort to calm jittery world financial markets, President Bush today introduced a key component of his market bailout package: Leprechaun Gold. Displaying a firm grasp of the crisis, the president explained, "We've got a saying in Texas - and in Ireland - that good things come in...things that are good come in...pots of gold."

Patched Up

NEW YORK -- Treasury Secretary Henry Paulson directs the frantic efforts of a financial triage team as they feverishly work on the US economy after it was discovered lying unresponsive on Wall Street. The economy was eventually ugraded to serious but stable condition after receiving an infusion of $700 billion, but was then discharged without further treatment when it was discovered that it had no health insurance.

Tech Savvy

To support the claim by McCain campaign adviser, Douglas Holtz-Eakin, that John McCain had a hand in inventing the iconic Blackberry, the campaign released a photo of McCain and Sarah Palin, "Working after hours in his Arizona mountaintop lab, moments before the first Blackberry was brought to life."

McEnomics

Presidential candidate John McCain backs up his assertion that "the fundamentals of the economy are sound" with a home-grown success story. "American products, such as those from Apple, are the backbone of American innovation. Now I don't claim to understand the technological marvels this gentleman is selling, but the young people sure seem to like them."

Pigstick

WASHINGTON -- Sarah Palin's line of pig lipstick: 'Pouty Pork' has seen a huge sales boost following John McCain's repeated denouncement of Obama's use of the phrase. The slop-flavored gloss had seen very slow sales prior to the controversy. Democrats have cried foul, accusing Palin of using her public position for private gain, causing Republicans to call them "sexist pigs". Today, a Palin spokesman has confirmed that the Republican vice presidential candidate plans to rush out a complementary line of hoof polish to be called 'This Little Piggy'.