Pope Performs Miracle in Washington

WASHINGTON   Pope Francis has climbed the first step towards sainthood by performing his first confirmed miracle while on his historic trip to the United States. His simple, heartfelt words on the importance of family, on working together, on global warming - miraculously convinced Speaker John Boehner to resign his leadership post and his seat in congress "for the good of America." The pope downplayed the event saying, "Now you know why Trump won't meet with me."

Stating the Obvious

NEW YORK   Following his appearance on the premier episode of 'The Late Show with Steven Colbert', the Secret Service has taken the unusual step of determining the code name they will use if and when Jeb! Bush becomes eligible for Secret Service protection. Secret Service code names strive to sum up the character of the person succinctly; for Mr. Bush they plan to go with: "Al Gore."

Iran Deal Passes the Cheney Test

LARAMIE   Former Vice President Dick Cheney's vehement opposition to the President's Iran nuclear plan has undercut the rest of the Republican party's plan to derail the deal. "History tells us that Dick Cheney never met a bad idea he didn't like. Almost no one bats .1000, but he's done it." said Republican strategy Snip Diddler. "Domestic policy: Katrina, foreign policy: 'we'll be greeted as liberators', economic policy: derivatives and destroying manufacturing. It's actually uncanny, it's like Cheney has a magnetic attraction to awful ideas. The man couldn't recognize sound policy if it were giving him a lap dance."

Republican candidates are clearly uncomfortable when Cheney's name is brought into the Iran deal discussion. A top Republican aide commented off the record, "We really think it's a bad deal, but Dick Cheney's opposition instantly makes it look like it's good for America. It's a tough position."

God Speaks About Kentucky Clerk

LEXINGTON   Rowan County clerk Kim Davis is citing "God's authority" as her reason for refusing to issue same sex marriage licenses even after losing her supreme court appeal. In a rare move, God has issued a statement distancing himself from Ms Davis, "Kim Davis appears to be a confused soul, a frumpy county employee who somehow got a cross stuck up her butt. Perhaps demons are causing her to blame me for her lack of job performance, but the truth is I did not lend my authority to her or Rowan County Kentucky and I've got to say her claim is absolutely not kosher. I suggest that she get to work issuing marriage licenses to whoever wants one, lest she face some biblical style wrath from me. And really, she needs to do something with that hair, it's not 1963."

Basic Instinct

CLEVELAND  Polling from the first Republican debate showed one thing: even dogs hate Ted Cruz. Mitzy Bonobo from Harrisburg, owner of a mixed breed named Fritz said, "Fritz never growls at anyone, but when he hears Ted Cruz, he foams at the mouth, I have to lock him in my bedroom and put on smooth jazz to calm him down." It appears that this is not an unusual sentiment. Across breeds, almost all dogs appear to hate Senator Cruz - as do babies, toddlers, nuns and interestingly - pandas. Docile Pandas react placidly to almost any stimulus, but writhe, hold their ears and roll on the ground when exposed to Ted Cruz rhetoric.  Polling even worse among dogs was former senator Santorum's performance in the earlier 'Kids Table Debate.' When exposed to his debate audio, dogs shook, whined and in some cases even vomited. Reportedly, the Humane Society of America spokesman Rick Shed said, "Dogs are excellent judges of character, we will not play audio from future republican debates in our facilities on humanitarian grounds."

Palmer Sets Sights on Shamu

1.  MINNEAPOLIS  Big game serial killer and fugitive dentist Walter Palmer is reportedly making good use of his time in hiding.  While his practice remains shuttered due to the firestorm of outrage following his killing of beloved Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe, rumors swirl regarding Palmer's plans to add an Orca to his trophy room. Palmer reportedly told friends he'd purchased permits to hunt an Orca killer whale in the San Diego area. Associates say that Palmer told them "It's all perfectly legal. I got the permits from the a Nigerian prince; it's game on. I'm very excited?" As a result of the rumors, SeaWorld is stepping up security. Spokesman Mike Nelson said, "We're on high alert. While it would be extremely difficult to lure Shamu off the property, orcas will do just about anything for a couple of fresh mackerel. We can't be too careful." Meanwhile, the grieving continues for Cecil the lion in Zimbabwe, one Wildlife Parks official, dejectedly noted, "It's very sad, hunters without testicles are always the cruelest." 

Drive Angry 2: BridgeGate to Hell

(HOLLYWOOD)  Joisey Films has reportedly green lighted Drive Angry 2: BridgeGate to Hell.  the film will be based on the governor's own million dollar investigation which completely exonerated Christie and blamed the infamous lane closures and traffic problems squarely on Obamacare and Hillary Clinton's actions in Bengazi.
    In the film, undead criminal Nik Cage faces off against  fictional political boss Chris 'Extra' Crispi. The only thing separating them is the terrorist occupied George Washington Bridge and the treatments Cage can now receive for his preexisting undead condition. Release is targeted for just before the mid-term elections.

"Vader" is Ukrainian for Putin

KIEV  Secretary of State John Kerry received an urgent message from the acting Ukrainian Prime Minister today appealing for assistance in dealing with Russia's power grab.  For the time being, Kerry has ruled out use of the force.

Disney on Ice

SOCHI   Disney Corporation has filed suit against  gold medal ice dancers Meryl Davis and Charley White today charging that the skaters have infringed on characters from their movies 'Aladdin' and 'Pocahontis.'  Citing the fact that they exist in three dimensions, Davis and White have filed a motion to have the suit dismissed.

Russians Take the Sport Out of Curling

SOCHI  Pandemonium reined today at the Curling competition in Sochi when the Russians ran out of beer mid-competition.  "This is curling isn't it?" fumed Irish curler Brian O'Floozin, "why don't we try it without ice too." Canadian seeker Gordon Stoner echoed the sentiment, "Who understands the importance of drinking to curling - hell, to life - better than Russians." Security personnel at the venue promised to make sure coolers were stocked for the finals and vowed to find the culprits in the beer heist, "after we have a little nap."

Godzilla's Quest for Corvettes

BOWLING GREEN, KY   A state of emergency has been declared in Kentucky after Godzilla's search for classic sports cars led him to erupt from a giant sinkhole under the Corvette Museum.  As cars tumbled and the floor collapsed, Godzilla emerged roaring, then, "He giggled like a little girl," said museum curator Sy Berglas, "as soon as he saw the '63.  He may destroy cities, but that reptile's got good taste" The National Guard hopes to lure Godzilla to a remote area with a '74 AMC Hornet disguised as a rare 1958 Vette ragtop.  Explained the Guard's Captain Ed Spinkle, "Everyone knows those Hornets are the kiss of death."  

Taking Matters Into Their Own Hands

WASHINGTON, DC   House Speaker John Boehner today announced that the Republican congressional delegation plans to, "Retire to our offices and masturbate for the remainder of President Obama's term."  He explained his strategy, "It is literally the only thing we can agree on.  Immigration, debt ceiling, unemployment benefits - there is absolutely no consensus there.  But three years of me-time alone in our offices, everyone's on board with that."   When he was asked if this could be the last straw for their constituents, Boehner shrugged and said, "I don't think so, it's basically what we've been doing for the last 5 years."

Groundhog Picks Seahawks

(PUNXSUTAWNEY, PA)  Weather seer and Al Roker impersonator Punxsutawney Phil did double duty yesterday, predicting what everyone already knew about this winter and correctly calling the Seahawks Super Bowl blowout of the Denver Broncos.  "The Seahawks are going to roll the Broncos," said Phil, "I see a safety early, a kickoff return to open the second half and a scowl that never leaves Peyton's face.  I have no idea why you clowns only ask me about the weather, you should try holding me up in front of a March Madness Bracket."  The confident ground hog then whipped out a wad of cash and started placing his Super Bowl bets, "First I'm taking the over on the national anthem, then I'll run the table from there.  I hope to rake in enough to move to Florida; Punxsutawney sucks in the winter."

Altered State of the Union

(WASHINGTON DC)  In his State of the Union Address, President Obama embraced a legislative agenda item near and dear to Republicans in an attempt to jumpstart bipartisan cooperation. "I call on Republicans to quit stalling and just impeach me," said Obama to thunderous applause from the Republican side of the aisle. "The American people know you don't need a real reason, so just go with because I'm black or left handed or taller than all you tight-ass crackers. But it's time to show America that Republicans can actually be for something and not just against things." Speaker Boehner was somewhat restrained following the speech, "The president has some very good ideas, immigration reform and that impeachment thing both sound very promising." Harry Reid was very enthusiastic, "I believe this will work out better than the shutdown."

Are You Daft, Punk?

(LOS ANGELES) At a raucous post grammy party celebrating their win for Album of the Year, electronic duo Daft Punk took the iconic masks off and revealed their true identities: Bill Gates and Stephen Hawking. "I can't believe the media bought the 'French Pop Duo' persona for so long," said a beaming Gates. Hawking added, "Our next project, 'Black Hole Theory' will change how people think about electronic music, hip hop and the relationship of matter to time and space." Gates was quick to add, "It's not going to be available on iTunes."

Hucka-V

(LITTLE ROCK) Standing in front of a biological clock and a middle school diagram of "Lady Parts," Fox News host Mike Huckabee claimed that Obamacare has "Escalated the Democrats War on Women by giving them control of their vaginas." Huckabee explained, "Vaginas are fickle, complex, maddening and require maintenance -  a lot of maintenance. If women are permitted to maintain their own vaginas the same way, for example,  they maintain their cars, many good men will suffer." He noted that under Republicans women will be free to, "put their butts in the kitchen and their vaginas in our hands."

Pepe Le Pope

(VATICAN CITY)  The meeting between Pope Francis and French President Francois Hollande got off to a rocky start Friday when Hollande's social secretary, Pepe LePew, interjected himself between the two leaders, reportedly to stop Hollande from repeatedly asking for "just 10 minutes with the nuns - only the hot ones." The pope handled the situation deftly, whispering, "Look pal, don't you think we've both got enough scandals to deal with." Afterwards, LePew noted, "The President, he has a lot to learn about women."

Heist Solved

(NEWARK)  Today, the FBI arrested four crime figures for their part in the legendary Lufthansa Heist in 1978. Ray Liotta, Robert DeNiro, Paul Sorvino and Joe Pecsi were rounded up in predawn raids after an FBI investigation revealed that, "there was some pretty good film of these guys - it's pretty irrefutable" according to FBI agent Rip Snoot. "We don't usually come across evidence like this, academy award quality stuff," gushed Snoot, "but we're still looking for a guy named Scorsese, he seems to know everything." DeNiro's attorney, Tom Hagen, said, "If these clowns see the rest of his film catalog, Bobby's going away for a long time."

Rodman Thanks Sherman

(MALIBU) Dennis Rodman issued a statement today thanking Seattle Seahawks cornerback Richard Sherman for his post-game rant Sunday. Rodman said, "Just when everyone thought I was the most abrasive, self-involved and clueless athlete on the planet, Richard Sherman stepped in and snatched that title from me. Thank you Richard, thank you." Rodman's spokesman, Bo Needles, added, "Dennis would love to sing Happy Birthday to Richard, but he's pretty sure Richard sings it to himself - in the third person."

Christie Calls on Rodman

(NEWARK) Facing a public relations disaster of biblical proportions, New Jersey governor Chris Christie has executed a prisoner exchange with North Korean dictator Kim Jung Un. Christie sent his former chief of staff, Bridget Anne Kelly, to the gulags of North Korea in exchange for international basketball ambassador Dennis Rodman, who assumed the Director of Public Relations position for the governor's office. Rodman deftly handled questions concerning the politically motivated lane closings on the George Washington Bridge during a 2 hour press conference, blaming "stupid motherfuckers" on Christie's staff and encouraging reporters to "shut your fucking pie-holes" as he defused the crisis. Christie seemed pleased with Rodman's efforts saying"Hey, that guy can still kowtow."