Gadhafi's Mom Defects

TRIPOLI - Col. Moammar Gadhafi's mother defected to Great Britain today, the third high level defection in 24 hours. Ma Gadhafi stated her main reason for leaving, "He's an asshole. Mo-Mo was a selfish little prick when he was a kid and he's just gotten worse." Reached for comment Gadhafi's father said, "She's in London?!"

Obama Steps Up

WASHINGTON - In an about face, President Obama has promised to provide the Libyan rebels with everything they'll need - Snake Plisskin. White House press secretary Jay Carney said, "We asked Stallone too but he said no. At least we think he said no. Frankly, I can't understand a word he says. "

Itty-Bitty Barry

SAN FRANCISCO - Barry Bonds former mistress Kimberly Bell testified at his perjury trial on Monday that the former slugger was not playing with regulation balls. 

Who You Gonna Call

WASHINGTON - President Obama explained the developments in Libya to the American people in a nationwide address Monday night saying "We came, we saw, we kicked his ass!" Obama repeated his promise keep American ground troops out of Libya, wary that we could end up in something "Like that clusterfuck we've got in Iraq." While rejecting regime change as a policy, the president did not rule out sending contractors with unlicensed nuclear accelerators to capture and place the dictator in an Ecto-Containment Unit. 

Jedi Snub Gadhafi

TRIPOLI - After a rebel advance recaptured the key towns of Dagobah and Tatooine, Libyan leader Moammar Gadhafi sent an urgent message for assistance, "Help me Obi Wan Kenobi, you're our only hope." Kenobi quickly arrived from Alderaan to access the situation, but declined to bring the Jedi into the conflict saying, "The force is not strong with this one, this guy sure can dress like a Jedi, but that's about it." A Libyan general who spoke off the record said, "After this, we're just about out of people who will even talk to us, it looks like we're down to the John Birch Society and the Oakland Raiders.

Just Shoot Me

GENEVA- In an effort to garner support among arab nations, the IOC has voted to add a new sport to the Summer Olympics: Randomly Shooting Guns in the Air. According to IOC governing board member Lars Snootgren, "There might be style points, we might have a synchronized component - this is still a work in progress. Our Arab members are going to have to lead us on what is important in this sport." Announcement of the new sport was enthusiastically greeted in the Arab world - by randomly shooting guns in the air.

50 Million Hispanics

WASHINGTON - Hispanic population has topped 50 million in the US, reaching virtually every part of the nation.  Their economic power is staggering in virtually every segment of the american economy, yet many complain that siestas and sombreros are still hard to come by. Hispanic's number one complaint about the country? George Lopez. "He's a one-man hispanic pro-defamation league" says community leader Juan Rodriguez, "he really needs to find a new line of work." The census data show that not only are hispanics happier than most americans, they have much nicer landscaping. 

Elizabeth Taylor - Exit Stage Right

HOLLYWOOD - Coalition forces participating in the Libyan operation Odyssey Dawn, accidentally bombed famed Cedars-Sinai Medical Center in Los Angeles today, killing screen legend Elizabeth Taylor. Army General Carter B. Hamm, commander of the operation, issued a statement saying, "Our bad." A spokesman for Taylor commented, "I have no idea what they were doing in Los Angeles; this is obviously a terrible tragedy. Fortunately they got the bombing on film and the footage is spectacular."

Barry Bonds Perjuroids Trial

SAN FRANCISCO -- Barry Bonds has a heated discussion with former friend and business associate Steve Hoskins after Hoskins testified at Bonds' perjury trial. 

Good and Pawlenty

MINNETONKA - Former Minnesota governor and TV actor Tim Pawlenty announced on Monday that he had formed an exploratory committee, effectively calling "dibs" on the 2012 Republican presidential nomination. While many Republican voters don't know Pawlenty they do know Gomer Pyle, the character he played on the The Andy Griffith Show and on Gomer Pyle, U.S.M.C..  Pawlenty cites his faux Mayberry roots and pretend military experience as evidence of grassroots credentials. He often emphasizes his support for the military by saying "I'm not a marine, but I played one on TV."

Pitt Makes History

Pitt's Nasir Robinson fouls Butler's Matt Howard with 0.9 seconds left in their NCAA second round tournament game. In spite of the unusually hard foul, Howard's game winning free throws sent Pitt home early from the tournament. Officials have been unable to determine a motive for the foul but are confident that Robinson acted alone.

Monster's Ball

TOKYO - At the urgent request of Godzilla, a coalition of city-destroying Japanese monsters have held a rare summit to discuss ways to aid the Japanese people as they recover from the earthquake, tsunami and nuclear disasters. Japanese Monster Association (JMA) spokesman Icho Facto said' "We're looking at earthquakes, fissures in the earth, tsunami, radiation - frankly, that's our best case scenario - you'd think we be giddy. But the JMA realizes that there is no benefit to terrorizing already terrified people or destroying already wiped out cities." All JMA members, led by Mothra, Ghidora (all 3 heads), Rodan and Godzilla "vow to do everything we can to help restore the calm, placid Japanese way of life, so we can unexpectedly shatter it at some point in the future."

A spokesman for the Prime Minister's office welcomed the monsters support, "sort of."

Takin' Care of Business

PROVO - Until this week, Utah had only 24 state symbols, from tree (the blue spruce) to insect (the honeybee) to sexual position (missionary). Now the state has addressed a crucial legislative oversight by adding an official state firearm -- the John M. Browning-designed M1911 pistol, becoming the first state in the nation to have one. According to Republican State Rep. Carl Wymner who sponsored the law."People are saying it's ignorant, a waste of legislative time and money and deeply insensitive in light of the recent shootings in Arizona" said Wymner "what I say to them is, it's a hell of a lot more fun than budgets or education." Wymner then announced his next legislative priority, getting the official state birth control method (rhythm) through the legislature.

Walker - Cheesehead Ranger

MADISON - Wisconsin Gov. Scott Walker on Thursday stated that he is done waiting for the 14 fugitive state lawmakers to return and signed an executive order declaring "Demoquat Season" officially open. "Shoot 'em, run 'em down, bowhunters - this is a chance of a lifetime," a smiling Walker told stunned media and cheering Republican lawmakers. The second provision of the order allows the governor to appoint replacement senators once the Democrats have been declared "really most sincerely dead."

Running of the Foxes

NEW YORK - The entire staff of Fox News resigned en-masse today to run for the Republican nomination for president. Newt Gingrich, Sarah Palin, Mike Huckabee, John Bolton and Rick Santorum (as shown from left) not only spin their views and criticism at large, they are the production staff as well. "We run pretty lean around here" said production manager Fritz Nisbett, "When Newt's pontificating, Sarah's on the camera, Bolton's on the lights and Huckabee is working the board. Santorum does make-up but frankly we're not going to miss him that much because that 'man on dog sex' quote of his didn't come out of nowhere if you know what I'm saying.

A Fox spokesman acknowledged that is scrambling to fill the pundit void "that homeless guy with the voice looks pretty good, Charlie Sheen's a pretty angry dude and he can talk on a wide variety of topics, we're even thinking about rolling Dick Cheney out in a Captain Pike style chair - anything's possible.

3-way Cage Match

NEW YORK - A fierce three-way legal battle has broken out over the rights to the term "Batshit Crazy" between unhinged pundit Glenn Beck, pharmaceutical mixmaster Charlie Sheen and ruthless dictator / fashion icon Moammar Gaddafi. Legal scholars are stymied, as all three appear to have unshakeable claims to the term. With each plaintiff's daily, brilliant and convincing attempts to bolster their positions, it appears that Batshit Crazy may well be destined to remain in the public domain. This can only lessen the impact as it applied to far more sane people like Lindsay Lohan, the hosts of 'The View' and Brett Favre.

Beck's back-up plan to trademark "whack job" failed when it was discovered that the term was already owned by fresh meat aficionado Ted Nugent.